Can we come out about our relationship without hurting everyone we love?

[dreamingcity]

Since last year I have been romatically and sexually involved with my friends father. It sounds bad and I don't think this can ever come out into the open in a positive way but it really isn't so awful as it sounds. I am 24 and he is 43 his daughter was my best friend in high school and he divorced from his wife when we were about 16. It was never a good marriage as they only married because they got pregnant.

He got a flat in town and my friend would go up and weekends and sometimes I would tag a long. We liked it because it was in town where the excitement was and because her dad was nice.

Even when my friend moved away to uni and I attended a local uni I use to drop in on him now and again. When I started work I got a room in a shared flat in town near to where he was because the area was affordable and I saw him even more. If I wasn't going out or home for the weekend I would just go round to his and we'd get takeaway and watch a film or tv. It made me feel less lonely to spend time with him.

In the past year though things have changed between us we started spending more and more time together and last year after a few to many he kissed me. I should say we tried to cool it off but if I am honest we just fell into it. I did keep thinking we'd get it out our system but if anything it is getting more intense between us and I don't want to stop seeing him and I hate hiding it, I love him and he loves me.

I know we haven't met in the most conventional way but we are both adults so why should it be so wrong? I don't think it is but I know that being open about us would horrify my parents and upset my friend very much. She still lives in another part of the country but I still see her a few times a year the last time at christmas was really awful because I knew what I was hiding from her. He wants us to be open to but he is worried about how it will affect his daughter and his ex wife.

Is there anyway we can do this and not hurt people?

I asked myself that too. What is your relationship like with your own father? it sounds like you admired this man, like a child admires her father.

A friend's mother died and her father started seeing her (his daughter's) best friend. It was in the 1970s and caused an absolute scandal, everyone very upset and she was vilified (she was about your age he might have been a little older.)

They adored each other, she made him happy and he looked after her. It wasn't the most conventional relationship but they were kind and honest and appreciated that not everyone would understand. They laid low for a while and listened when people were upset, which can't have been easy.

But she was still right there beside him when he died a few years ago after they had grown old and happy together and his funeral was chock full with people eating their words very happily (and enjoying his wonderful single malt collection - she was teetotal.)

Good luck to you both. In the final analysis, it's nobody;s business but your own. Don't expect everyone to be delighted and you won't be disappointed.

How typical that a man in his 40's would hurt everyone he is sopposed to care about just to get a young women in his bed. OP I doubt he can see beyond your body and face to any sort of future.

We love who we love. Good luck to you both X

We love who we love is all a bit of bollocks isn't it?

He should have not allowed himself to 'fall in love' with you. You are his daughter's friend and he watched you grow up so he should have nipped it in the bud straight away.

You can help who you love, well you might not be able to help the initial attraction but love happens when you spend time with someone and nurture the relationship and that didn't have to happen.

NWIH would I be allowing my son's friend around watching films without my son being there.

So no OP, I don't think you can avoid hurting your friend. I also don't think he is a great person as you think he is. I would never date my child's friend or allow myself to be in a position where feelings develop because I have decent boundaries; something he seems to lack.

My advice to you is to try to widen your social circle with your own age group, not necessarily to find a partner of your own age but to stop yourself becoming over reliant on this relationship and missing out on what should be the age at which you have fun, meet lots of people and find out who you really are.

Great advice.

We love who we love is all a bit of bollocks isn't it?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Can I just add my "we love who we love" comment was aimed at the OP.. As in she can't help loving him.
No.. I don't think an adult can or should fall in love with a child he watched grow up.
I'm 32 years old and the youngest of my siblings, they still call me 'the baby'. I'm still introduced as 'My Little sister'

I don't have a problem with age gaps, but I have a massive problem with someone (adult) watching a child grow up then having a sexual relationship with them. 'predatory' seemed about right.
However, we love who we love.
OP will never see it that way because 'it wasn't like that'

If my sons (or daughters) friends knocked my door when they weren't here wanting to watch a film with me or whatever, I would be creeped out. It's just not appropriate.

Dd1 is 24 and I would be sickened if I thought she was having a sexual relationship like this. Rightly or wrongly I would assume that it was the man's intention since those early visits. I would have questioned her reasoning for visiting so often. Why not stay in with flat mates?
Envisage a social life brimming with friends, laughter, exciting experiences etc. would you still choose him? Your wanting a quiet life this young sounds like a safety net for insecurities to me.
I hope you get to live the life you deserve op, sorry if I sound so negative.

Firstly if people know you've maintained a friendship and spent time together they might not be surprised.

The first person to tell is his daughter, explain how it's happened slowly and let her be upset or angry etc and talk about it together.

The same with your parents and his ex.

After that I really wouldn't care too much, hopefully in time your families will accept the situation and see that you are both happy.

I don't see a problem with the relationship, you are both adults and can do whatever you want.

I think if you want to continue seeing each other you do really need to tell people you are together, you can't see each other in secret forever. As a pp said if people know you've had a friendship and spent time together people may not be too shocked anyway.
Could you have his daughter over one night, explain that you are together, it may take some time but she will come round. Then tell your parents.

You do need to think if you see this relationship long term? I say this because if you want children for example this might not happen in your future with a much older man.

I think if he is more important to you than you friend is, and if you are more important to him than his daughter is, then go for it.

Otherwise, think carefully about what you will lose.

And the 'never wanted kids' thing? Neither did I at 24. Biological urges are an odd thing, and I went from not bothered to completely desperate in about 6 weeks once I hit 30.

Sorry, missed the bit about medical issues

The age gap isn't what they'll be concerned about - if you introduced them to a middle-aged man you'd met at a club or at work, they'd be wary but eventually they'd accept him, and rightly so, because you're not a teenager, but an adult. This is different. He knew you from the age of 11 and he encouraged you to spend time in his flat when you were a student, a time when you should've been out having fun with young men and women of your own age. You could forgive them for finding it sleazy and weird, surely because not many people would be sexually attracted to someone they watched grow up, to be honest. If my son did this at 24 I'd be pretty disgusted with the woman and would find it hard to be right-on and philosophical.

"He wants us to be open to but he is worried about how it will affect his daughter and his ex wife" - then he must just get in with it, and so must you. Either you are happy about this relationship or you feel ashamed about it (in which case you should abandon it). Out in the open is the best way I think - if your parents find it hard to start with, then that is only because they see him in a different role at the moment, as your friend's dad - but it sounds as if your Dad likes him. Maybe your partner could take the initiative and have a chat with your Dad.

You cannot pursue a relationship satisfactorily if you are hiding it from those you love - just too stressful I think!

Relationships with an age gap often work fine - no more of a risk than any other relationship, many of which fail.

Go for it - and good luck!

Dd1 who is 21 has a partner who is 33 so not quite as big an age gap but they are entirely compatible. Dd has always been an old head on young shoulders so enjoys his maturity she also likes that he is more financially solid than her peers so they enjoy a better lifestyle I suppose.
Dh isn't terribly enamoured by him but admits there is nothing he can criticise as he treats dd very well and they are both happy (that said dh would probably not be enamoured by any man dating dd1 tbh) Dh is mid fifties so not of the same generation so maybe that makes it easier.
I think you have to be open and ride out the storm if there is one,it will be seeing you happy together which will bring them round eventually.

"(There is a reason why there are internal rules about professors not dating their students, bosses not dating their subordinates... Because it's based on a skewed power play.)"

While they have that power, yes. But dating someone when you've stopped being their teacher or boss is different.

He has no direct power over her, and she is no longer a teenager. That doesn't eliminate the possibility of unfair power dynamics, but that possibility can never be eliminated: personality or money or connections can all be unfair, depending on circumstances. Indeed, new dynamics come into play in older age, when the younger partner can have the advantage.

OP: you have two conflicting pressures here: the longer you wait to tell people, the more sure you will be and the more history you will have with each other to support your compatibility. However, it also means lying to people for longer, and making that lie the issue more than the relationship itself. I can't tell you when the time is right. Your partner has the bigger problem here: while you might be fine if you never see his daughter again, he will not be.

he may end up having to choose you or his daughter.... do you think he would sacrifice his daughter for you ?

You'd be surprised how often they do mix...

When you were going over and spending time with him did you tell your friend?

Tom Selleck?

I'd assume the person who would be most hurt about this would be OP's friend. It wouldn't be surprising if she felt it was a kind of betrayal, she may have told you things about herself/her dad/her family in confidence not knowing you were in a relationship with him sharing everything, maybe question whether you were ever her friend or just after her father. so I think you can say goodbye to your friendship. I personally think it's a creepy basis for a relationship, if he's known you since you were a child. Just makes it seem like he's predatory and you've got serious daddy/self-confidence issues. But then it could turn out to be a happy long term relationship or it might not. You're both adults, you do what you want but yes, there will be people who will be hurt over it.

I don't think many people at 24 want children. You may do later on or you may not but that's just one of the problems. In his life he does not want children, having children is his past, he has done that part of his life, you are yet to come to the part of your life IMO where you seriously consider it.

I also agree with others that a good man would not let his daughter's friend come round for takeaways or describe his relationship with his ex wife and mother of his child as trivial as he has.

He sounds weak and bad minded. Not someone you should spend your precious 20's with.

That said, you will do what you will do. If you are giving this relationship a go you should come clean. The longer it is a secret the more hurt people will be when they find out, which they will. The longer your relationship remains secret the longer it is protected from the real world and I don't think this is a good thing - secret relationships are not real relationships and therefore stand a much greater chance of hurting you as it gives time to get emotionally invested without the pressure of reality to test the strength of commitment

Also describing his relationship with his ex wife and mother of his child as trivial as he has. i.e., never happy, rushed into, nothing in common, never loved, is common in men when they are changing their wives for a new model.