Mum troubles, advice needed on how to contact her

[ClarkL]

Im not sure if this is a long story or not, I'll try and keep the background short.
I have one sister who has a daughter, My Mum lives nearby and regularly babysits, my Mum has a new ish BF who is a giant knob, but they often look after his GC also. My Mum does lie about how often this happens because I make comments like 'again' 'gosh does niece even know who her Mum is' Mums bf let slip last time my sister was on holiday and Mum was having her again. I should say I don't talk to my sister so this all comes direct from Mum and her bf.
I do not live nearby, my kids don't see their Dad much due to his mental health issues, but he is getting help slowly.
My son has got massive behavioral problems, counselor believes possible Asperger, school think its just me and whilst 'helping' its very much because the counselor is forcing them.
We had a family get together a few weeks ago and my son kicked off, My Mum saw, said hes unreasonable if hes like that all the time its no wonder I'm exhausted anything she can do to help blah blah
So we had a session at the counselor son said he hates me, doesn't respect me and refused to take part in the session. I was exhausted and this was the final straw as it were, we were supposed to be going away for the bank holiday weekend on a boat with friends about 20 minutes from where my Mum lives. I know she was free that weekend because she said so...that was until I said, if you really want to help please let me have a break and have him for me overnight. Suddenly she had loads to do, could possibly have him for half the day (no good when your on the river in the middle of nowhere!!). I told her not to bother I'd cancel the weekend, daughter would be upset and friends we were meeting with but couldn't risk him kicking off again, especially on the river. she was super dismissive - I said 'fine' At which point she changed her tune, said it isn't fine. I was in tears so stopped messaging. husband called my sons grandad and asked him to have him so I could have a break, he agreed in a heartbeat.

I know my Mum would be annoyed at him seeing his Grandad because his Grandad would (and did) take him to see his Dad, yet she wouldn't help me.
My Mum is supposed to be visiting with my Nan in a few weeks but hasn't spoken to me since, she is staying at my friends b&b which she has not paid for. (so I also want to know shes definitely coming so they don't lose potential business)

I want to tell my Mum not to bother if she cant be there when I need her, but I do want to see my Nan, what on earth can I say to my Mum that makes her realise she either steps up and helps or stops making pathetic noises about 'wanting to help' and 'anything she can do' when she doesn't mean it, without sounding like I'm massively jealous of my sister. I'm so sick of her opinion on what I should be doing, and when I'm doing it wrong and yet when I ask for help she wont.
What can I say??

Your mum provides childcare for your dsis dc. That's her decision.

You making snippy remarks is uncalled for.

Your son is not a straightforward child to care for, and her boyf is a massive knob. This situation is very far from being a good idea. What if MassiveKnob kicks off too?

Having a child overnight is a big deal if the child has SN and if she's not experienced enough to handle it, your mum does not have to say yes to you if she feels out of her depth.

Seeing your ds kick off may very well have scared her, showing her that there's no way she'd have been able to manage that. Who knows, perhaps she may respect you a bit more.

I don't understand the BnB comment, your DM has not paid your friend for it? That's between your DM and your friend.

I think you're seeking to be more involved that you should be. I understand, but it's only going to cause grief in the long run,

Bottom line, nobody has any obligation to help. It'd be nice if people could, but they really don't have to.

I know that's crap, and you're tired, worn down etc, and I don't have any practical suggestions other than to say that it will be ok in the end.

A bloody good rant here tho should help you, so please rant away and burn up as much of these feelings as possible. You most definitely have earned that right.

I don't know how you do what you do, I don't have any experience in sn and I know I'd struggle.

Any negative remarks from others come from lack of knowledge. Smile sweetly and say, well... This is the way we do X y or z and it usually works.

You don't have to listen to ill informed comments, you can ask unsupportive family members to keep their advice to themselves if need be.

Hi Hissy,
Thanks for the response. I guess theres lots of compounding issues and times Ive felt let down by my Mum. So when I'm in tears at total breaking point with my son that I cannot understand why she persists to say anything she can do, she'd love to help more then when I ask for help refuses.
Her FB is full of being tagged on days out with my sister and with her BF GC

I dont like her bf because she massively changed when she got with him, when I lived closer she'd come to mine every week for tea, started when my Dad left and she was lonely and continued even when I was dating my husband he didnt come over those nights because it was 'her time'. She hates her job, moans continually yet cant quit because he cant hold down a job. My sister and most my family have met his children and often have days out together, I have never been invited, but my Mum will happily slag them off to me saying they only call their Dad for money.

My 30th last year my Mum refused to come see me, insisting if I wanted a meal with family I must go to her
I was driving nearby for work, had my daughter with me so said I'd call in but couldn't guarantee the time, she was fine with it. When I arrived she had my niece, apparently my sister was sick, yet my sister turned up, said she was feeling better and could I hurry up and leave because they were going shopping at the boots Chirstmas event, my daughter certainly felt unwanted at that.
My sons birthday last year she started saying she couldn't come, turns out she was babysitting for my sister again so after I told her what I thought she brought my niece with her
She didnt even call, let alone suggest visiting my daughter for her birthday this year

These are just the big things that I think of, so now shes coming to visit next month and I have to be nice to her, when frankly I want to tell her to treat me the same or piss off...shes my Mum, I acknowledge I probably shouldn't be telling her to piss off, but it hurts seeing her do everything for my sister, continually offering to help but then refusing.

wow I can see how much this is bothering me, I cant even finish explaining something, so Mum coming for tea over those nights because it was 'her time'. when he arrived she kept cancelling, rearranging then cancelling tot he point it just didnt happen, which would be fine if it wasnt always because BF said so, BF not working so she must run to him, I always made it clear our nights stood regardless of who I was dating because she was my Mum and came first, she clearly doesnt see things the same way

My mum dropped everything and flew to another continent to help my dsis out.

Didn't even drive 90mins to see me or offer to help with mine... Not even when I was on my own for 2 months. This is the tip of the iceberg in my case, ditto the revolting h, and now I am blissfully no contact with them.

While she isn't obligated to help, there is clearly a mismatch here and you can see (as can Your dd) that this is unfair.

My only advice to you, to preserve your sanity is to distance yourself and stop waiting for her to care.

Don't base your self worth on her feelings towards you (easier said than done and shitloads of therapy... :) )

Could you arrange some therapy for yourself? I think it would be enormously beneficial for you to have an outlet like that. It's such a great thing to have an hour of time where the only person you focus on is yourself.

I do also think you would benefit from the Stately Homes thread in relationships. You are the scapegoat here in a golden child scenario, understanding that dynamic would help you feel a lot better somehow

In your shoes....

I'd lower my expectations of her completely (so you don't feel disappointed), create some space between you both and let her do all the running contact wise. Make a new support network. There will be ASD groups and parents about.

She's obviously got her favourites. Use your negative experience to motivate positive changes.

Also the B&B. Because she's always letting you down and she's unreliable, don't set that sort of thing up for her.

Tell her she needs to pay a deposit this week for the B&B. talk to your friend

Also your obviously the family's choice of scapegoat and black sheep. Some families create these poor dynamics because it pulls everyone together and makes them feel better about themselves

Thank you both, currently we're paying £40 a week with a private counselor for my sons issues so no way I could afford therapy for myself...my son kicked off at the GP last week who has finally agreed to refer us to CAHMs (as we've no idea if he has something like aspergers or a mental health issue...) so whilst eventually we should get help and not have to pay for the counselor in the mean time she is great and keeping us motivated to push for help and he really does take priority over me.
I think the best thing I can do is get the visit over and done with so I can see my Nan, try and convince my Nan to visit more often as I'll happily pick her up...since my Grandad died last year she hasn't been great with travel, my wedding was a huge thing for her but luckily since shes made a few family things.
As I said I don't want to cancel the visit because I really want my Nan to come and stay, Its this thing with my Mum that is making the trip difficult...until I can afford therapy of my own perhaps I need to rely on Mumsnet!
Thank you Hissy and Spandex...I'm not pleased you have had similar things but it is nice to know I'm not alone