Cheating, alcoholism and a right proper mess...

[Needhelp101]

This could be long. I don't even know where to start really.

Been married 6 years, together for 12. I mention this because over the past 3 years, things have been difficult and I've felt particularly unsupported, unloved and at times very lonely. I've tried to talk to DH about this but he has not particularly listened.

I went on a work trip recently and something bad happened, bad enough for me to finally confront the fact that I have a significant drink problem and need to stop once and for all. I went out with a group and got literally staggering drunk. Don't remember leaving the venue, vaguely remember falling over, don't remember getting back to my hotel room. Basically thought what I had was a ONS with one of the men from the group, who I knew slightly and was slightly attracted to. I don't remember much from the first half of the evening and we carried on drinking until dawn. I do remember saying that we weren't going to have sex and I don't believe we did although we did pretty much anything but. At some point, we went back to his hotel room (in a different hotel) and I fell asleep.

Felt absolutely terrible, remorseful and guilty not to mention an appalling hangover. Told the OM that I was going to tell DH - to be honest, there was no way I wasn't going to. It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for my drinking as I realised there was no way I would have done it sober.

Came home and told DH. He knew something had happened anyway. He was obviously extremely angry and upset. As I told him more (and I tried to be honest with the best of my blurry memories and not fudge things or minimise) he's come to the conclusion that I didn't actually give consent as I was too drunk and have in fact been sexually assaulted. He tracked OM down on Facebook and I had to literally beg him on bended knees not to post something to that effect on his wall. He eventually gave in but told me that was the last bargaining chip that I had and I couldn't ask for anything else.

Things have been just awful since, unsurprisingly. I know I deserve to be punished and I'm trying to answer DH's questions as best I could. DH has just sent me an email telling me I have to write out a written statement telling him exactly what happened over that night and day. This is apparently so he can stop asking me questions and so he can appreciate the depths of my drinking problem, 'before he takes it further'.

My trouble is that despite him saying that it's the principled thing to do, he wants to take this further (ie. report to the police) because it's a way of punishing me and the OM. I emphatically do NOT want to report it. Selfishly because I couldn't stand the shame and honestly because I don't know whether it was assault or not and in no time during the day/night I spent with OM did I feel at risk, or threatened or forced into anything.

I realise that due to my behaviour I don't deserve any sympathy but I'm determined not to drink anymore and I could do with DH's support in this (most particularly as he's always been massively critical of my drinking). He can't FORCE me to go to the police, can he? Is he able to just make a report on his own?

It's making me dislike him, very much. He told me, after I told him, that he wasn't going to divorce me and he would rather live in a loveless marriage than have his children with parents living apart. I disagree entirely, not least because I grew up in this type of household.

So many questions to answer...

I've always been a drinker so I'm not going to blame DH for that. But it has definitely escalated over the past few years. And I've been staggeringly drunk on occasions before and not done anything, despite there being several occasions when I could have. So why did it happen now?

I've been unhappy in this marriage for some time but nothing so bad as to actually make me leave. We've had a tough few years with DH pursing one career, which is in an industry where there are no guarantees of a job. That didn't work out, although it nearly did. So he retrained which meant a very intensive course for a year and now he's in a job, the workload is ridiculous. He works from 8 - 8 most nights, later sometimes and works over the weekend too. So I am essentially responsible for everything. I am also the main breadwinner by some margin. I have built a career in a competitive industry over the past few years and am doing very well. He's recently mentioned doing a Masters next year which would mean another insane year with me picking up the slack of everything.

Basically the weight of responsibility is on my shoulders. I do almost all the childcare, the wifework, organising everything, paying for almost everything. It gets hard sometimes, a lot of the time actually. One of our children is quite difficult, almost to the point of investigation of special needs.

None of this would matter so much if I felt as if I were loved and valued. I don't and haven't done for years. Whole evenings pass with DH saying nothing more to me than the bare minimum. He is plugged into his headphones almost all the time he's at home. We do nothing as a couple and haven't done for years unless I organise it (and pay for it). We do nothing as a family unless I organise it (and pay for it). We have nothing in common apart from the children.

If it wasn't for the children to be honest, I don't think I would stay. I have come close to leaving in the past but I couldn't disrupt my children's lives like that just because I'm unhappy. It would just about kill my MIL of whom I'm very fond.

I'm not going to write the statement but I'm dreading telling him. I'm still terrified of him posting something on social media which could result in a libel case at the very least. I don't think this was assault. In fact, in some ways, it's made me realise quite how desolate I've been feeling. It felt good to be wanted and admired again, as shitty as that makes me sound.

Oh and I told him because I knew he would know and he would want to know, as hard as it would be.

Time to leave your marriage, doesn't sound like there's anything there to stay for.

Everything you have said, it now makes total sense to me why you did what you did with the OM.

There is no shame, in calling time on this marriage. None! And it's not as hard to do as you think. In fact, once you have decided to leave, it can be exciting and you feel like a weight has been lifted.

If I was you, I'd start to look at the logistics of separating. Work out the financial side of things.

I left a long marriage and do not regret it. Ok, I am not as well off financially as I was, but, I have a lovely DH now and wouldn't change anything for the world. He is everything first H was not. Honest, faithful, reliable and much more handsome

Your MIL would cope. People divorce every day, I've never heard of a parent of said divorcee, spontaneously combusting!

I agree op sorry it's time to leave and heal yourself

I couldn't disrupt my children's lives like that just because I'm unhappy.

But what are you teaching them about relationships? That they are loveless, dispassionate living arrangements by two people who don't like each other, have nothing in common, and don't speak to each other? Do you really want your children to grow up and replicate that in their own marriages, because they will?

The fact that you told your husband straight away suggests to me that there is a part of you that wants your marriage to be over or for him to realise how unhappy you are/have been. It sounds like an awful marriage without your drinking and cheating, if that's what it was.

Perhaps you're right. It's not ALL bad (but it never is, is it?). We still have a laugh and good chats (occasionally). He's a fabulous dad. He does a bit here and there to help out. He's faithful. And God knows, I am not the easiest person to live with. I've been pretty damn awful to him on occasion (not counting this last incident).

It's been slightly better so far tonight although we haven't yet talked. Thanks for all your responses, they have helped me feel a lot more calm and less stressed.