What's the point of anything?

[GinandSin]

I beg you all to tell me, please.

I'm not an immediate danger to myself, and am (unfortunately) not irrational or stupid.

I hate my, well everything. Always have. I'm in an EA, always been dysfunctional, marriage. I've just finished the (pointless) Freedom programme everyone raves about that has been utterly useless for me. I have no friends, no family AT ALL (except the father who abused me, woo, lucky me). Neglected, isolated, abusive childhood. No job, no prospects, ill health, no point to living.

The end is nigh of my rape counselling with no resolution (been raped multiple times) and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I wish so hard I could end it all, but I love my kids. They don't deserve a fuck up like me for a mother (though they worship the ground I walk on) what am I supposed to do?

I know everyone will say equivalent to 'suck it up, your kids need you'. But.

But to live the other half of my life in the same misery I've had so far is more than I can bear. I've spent the past few days imagining what I would write in a note to them, first time I've ever done that despite how I've felt. I'm so very unhappy, but there's no way for me to ever be, I haven't been so far. Other people on the courses etc have friends, family, to help them through, every single day is a reminder I don't. I feel guilty for having kids cos I knew always I could never provide what they need, then hate myself for being talked into having them anyway.

Not sure what I expect from this, but please be kind, not sure I can handle very much more horribleness

Gin, I know it's the middle of the night over there, and when the UK Mumsnetters wake up they will give you advice about additional services or support you can access. I'm in Australia, happy to chat until the Poms arise and do the heavy lifting.

Two things jump out at me in your story: "I love my kids" and "They worship the ground I walk on". Your lovely DCs are a huge positive in your life. They are the foundation for you to go on and up. OK, maybe other areas of your life have been fucked up, but not this one. Your kids adore you. You are clearly a great mother. Use it! Be proud of it!

What are your health probs, if you don't mind my asking? Are you disabled, or chronically ill?

hi Gin - another wakeful pom here (kept awake by sore throat and wriggling DD).

First. for you. It sounds as though you have been through some truly traumatic experiences. I can't fully understand what your childhood must have been like but it sounds as though it was very, very difficult.

Second, I would echo what groove girl has said. It sounds as though you are doing mothering extremely well. There's nothing in your post that suggests that you are a doing a poor job and you can take pride in this. Doubly so when you doing so against your own personal experiences. Your kids obviously value you every single day - which is amazing.

I am sorry to hear that you have no support system in real life. Is there anyway you could reach out to people who might become friends? And where is your husband in this picture? you mention he is EA. Is ending the marriage an option you would consider?

An EA relationship is a total drain on your energy OP. It sounds like you have been going through the mill recently. Rape counselling is difficult enough, I can't imagine how hard it is whilst in an EA relationship where all you are doing is surviving each day with the least amount of damage to yourself and your DC.

You say that your counseling is ending soon. Do you think you could use continuing help OP? Because you can ask your counsellor for a referal to WA or another agency where you can discuss your present life.

You have done so well to survive up to now and bring up great DCs who know you and love you OP. You know what's going on. And the sooner you get to terms with this EA and get rid of him the sooner you start enjoying your life and your DCs.

And life will have so many points that it pokes Newsnight journalists.

Gin
What's stopping you leaving your husband?
Not in a goady way but I think other posters could guide you through the process and help you see what life would be like the other side.

Hi Gin,

so sorry you feel so very bad about everything...what l heard from your post was that you only need to do one thing to improve every aspect of your life...

LEAVE your H If you really do feel that bad about your life and love your kids as you say you do just GO.... it has to feel better than it does now.

you may be surprised how much better you feel. l wish you luck

Right, first thing: if you have any more thoughts of suicide, even as a theoretical, phone the Samaritans immediately (assuming you are in UK or ROI). www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

116 123 (UK)
116 123 (ROI)

If you're somewhere else I'm sure there is an equivalent. I'm sure they will know far better than me what to say and what to suggest.

Your life is worthwhile.

When I'm down I can only remember other times I've felt down, and I can only imagine a future of feeling down. I literally cannot connect meaningfully with a happy memory, or imagine what happy might feel like.

You have had so much tragedy and pain in your life, I'm so very sorry. And it sounds like your daily life is grinding you down.

I sometimes feel huge guilt too for having children. They are my world, yet I think I was selfish and irresponsible given my issues, family traits etc.

I think depression is like a cancer of the soul. I had a serious health scare a year ago and I thought I would never see my kids grow up and I was so angry, so determined to do everything and anything to wring every moment I could. Yet there have been times where I have nearly destroyed their lives in the horrific belief that they would be better off without me.

That scare made me aware ( slowly, not all at once) that I have to fight back as hard against the darkness as other people battle physical ailments, disability and disease.

You're not alone. We might only be in cyber space but we're here. And we care about you.

Amy,

sounds like you have had a really horrible time and really struggle daily....you are really brave ...your kids need you so much, please hang on to that regardless of anything else, to them you are irreplaceable. the same applies to you Op.

To you Op, from someone who has (luckily) never been stuck in an abusive relationship, the thing that makes me REALLY ANGRY is the person who should be looking after you ie your husband, abuses you, to the point you see no choices ahead of you.

How DARE he bully you ...l wish you could have my fury to give you the momentum to break free and live a much better life with your DCs.

I wish you strength and peace

oh Gin

I'm alone, too. That is - alone. Nobody. A few friends but no family (to speak of - I've cut off most of the toxic brood, thank goodness). So that leaves me. Just been through a horrible health thing and realised yep, alone. So you're not the only one.

Plus I've also had some horrific stuff in my life. A lot of it. I'm not comparing - pain is pain. You're at the peak of things being horrible: still within striking distance of the putrid stench of your EA marriage; just finishing counselling for repeated rape. Darling, you're in a horrible place at the mo.

But this too shall pass - it really does. It just does. Keep grinding on going and things change. Day/hour/5 mintues at a time. As pp are saying, you have some positives in your life, even though it's hard for you to see that at the mo - but that's depression talking. It is possible to have, and see, a life without depression and pain.

Come back, gin