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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any constructive comments on this 'argument' please?

50 replies

Gobbolino6 · 02/04/2016 21:41

Just that, really.

Wife: Guess what X did today?
Husband makes production of removing headphone, sighs, rolls eyes, glares really nastily.
Wife: Sorry, I didn't see you had headphones in. Never mind.
Husband: What was it?
Wife: It was just about X, I'll tell you later.
Husband: What WAS IT?
Wife: NEVER MIND.
Husband (shouting): FFS, you often don't hear what I say and I repeat it.
Wife: I don't mind about that, it was the nasty look.
Husband: Oh, here we go again with the criticising and making stuff up. There was no look.
Wife: I'm sorry, I don't want to have a fight, but I didn't make it up. It was utterly contemptuous.
Husband: It's all in your head. If you have to pick at every little thing I say, just don't speak to me again.

Well?

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/04/2016 22:18

What were the previous problems that both of you seemed annoyed at each other?
What are the other arguments like, if this was not the worst?

HolgerDanske · 02/04/2016 22:18

Sigh, obviously that's meant to be 'would not take kindly'

Original poster

Gobbolino6 · 02/04/2016 22:18

I normally try to smooth over situations, but there is so much resentment built up now. It was a choice between accepting a reaction from him which he'd have hit the roof about had the shoe been on the other foot, or just going ahead and having the inevitable argument now.

OP posts:

EpoxyResin · 02/04/2016 22:20

I was just about to put money on you having a young child, then you said X is DS. Is he under 5? Or perhaps even still a baby?

You both sound stressed. And tired. It's hard to tell what you're like when you're not.

Me and DP are the same currently; 9 month old. We're both very nice really, promise, but we don't half wind the shit out of each other at the moment!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 02/04/2016 22:20

Constructive comment - they don't seem to like each other very much or have time for each other. I wonder why they got together in the first place?

Original poster

Gobbolino6 · 02/04/2016 22:23

We have two six year olds and a two year old. We've been together 13 years.

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/04/2016 22:23

I think you should have asked him about the look and his reaction immediately instead of apologising for interrupting and then saying never mind.
Make it very clear that you won't go further in the conversation with that attitude from him.
For example: sorry, I didn't realise you had your headphones on, but there's no need for that reaction.

EpoxyResin · 02/04/2016 22:24

We have two six year olds and a two year old

Fair crack to be tired then!

Do you do nice things for each other?

Original poster

Gobbolino6 · 02/04/2016 22:29

You're right Lweji. Epoxy, we work opposite shifts so don't see a huge amount of each other. We do practical things to help each other out. I think he feels I don't bring in enough money, and I feel he doesn't do anything with regard to life admin so I think we both feel hard done by which isn't ideal.
He says he wants to be in the relationship, but all I get from him is a feeling of contempt. I wouldn't be here any more if we didn't have children. I'd like to fix it but God knows how.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 02/04/2016 22:31

Very good advice from Lweji there. Your reaction was a bit passive aggressive (though I do not blame you in the least - this is definitely the sort of thing I would have done). But calling him on his bad behaviour every single time he does it makes it clear that you find that behaviour unacceptable and stops him trying to shift the blame onto you. Well actually, he probably may still try but you can just reiterate how rude his reaction was.

Original poster

Gobbolino6 · 02/04/2016 22:32

Thanks. I will try. It won't go well...

OP posts:

ILikeUranus · 02/04/2016 22:33

Sounds like you don't like each other at all. You should work on improving things or give up altogether imo, why would you want a relationship where you both act like you don't even like each other?

Original poster

Gobbolino6 · 02/04/2016 22:33

I wasn't trying to be PA, I can see how it was though.

OP posts:

LogicalThinking · 02/04/2016 22:34

Both as bad as each other.
You have to start communicating clearly and nicely if you want things to improve.

Original poster

Gobbolino6 · 02/04/2016 22:37

Thanks. I appreciate the help.

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 02/04/2016 22:38

Whoever is most to blame this is no way to live-either walking on eggshells, or feeling constantly attacked, or just low-level sniping going on all the time. I'd hate it and couldn't live like that. If this is one of your better arguments, then you have problems.

is there any way you can meet somewhere and talk openly without allocating blame, acknowledging that having small kids is hard, and deciding to be nice to each other? Or has that ship sailed?

When ours were small, it was hard to be nice to each other consistently but you really do have to prioritise it or you come out of the jungle years and look at your partner and don't like them very much, which is, imo fatal to a marriage. I made a conscious decision to presume my dh was doing his best most of the time (westill had some arguments but it stopped me feeling hard done by when that wasn't his intention). In fairness to him, he always tried to think the best of me. I suppose that is it really, if you get caught in a trap of each thinking the worst of each other in every stressful situation you are not going to have a nice life. and if one of you is always presuming the worst, nothing the other one can do will make up for it.

Original poster

Gobbolino6 · 02/04/2016 22:41

That describes our situation perfectly Canyou. It's sad as we used to be great friends. I don't know if the relationship at this point is worth saving but we can try to have a chat and give each other the benefit of the doubt I am sure.

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/04/2016 22:45

At this point, I think counselling might be useful if it could help you both manage expectations and improve how you relate to each other.
It might be worth having a proper conversation when you are both calm and available about having more quality time and how responsibilities are shared.
Finally, I have found transactional analysis to be useful in directing and maintaining exchanges at an adult level. You could look up a boom about it or seek a counsellor that uses it. It would be better if he was on board too, but it could help even if it's only you who's applying it.

Original poster

Gobbolino6 · 02/04/2016 22:49

Thanks, I'll have a look.

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/04/2016 23:03

My DP has been reading a book about transactional analysis for work and it has really change the way he interacts with people there and with me. It used to be that he would fly off the handle and argue with anyone. Now he is the calm rational one and I end up being the overly emotional one! It really does change your perspective on things

LuluJakey1 · 02/04/2016 23:15

I couldn't be bothered with him.

Silverfoxofwarwick1953 · 02/04/2016 23:24

I would have told him on his second "What was it?" then he could have got back to his passive aggressive attitude and you could think about what things work in the relationship and what does not and then have a frank discussion about it when he has no phones on.

Lovelydiscusfish · 02/04/2016 23:26

I think he was being rude, and that he was in the wrong. But not to an abusive degree. Clearly you are both finding it difficult right now. Still, he shouldn't speak to you like that.
The question I would ask you, if you were my friend telling me this, is, are you in love with him?
If you are, then of course you can work it out, though it might take time, and some improvement on his part.
If not, then why put up with being spoken to like that? Whatever it takes, life is too short to spend it being annoyed by a partner you don't love.

Muldjewangk · 03/04/2016 20:30

He is totally in the wrong, you must be sick of walking on egg shells. Once you realised he was wearing earphones and was reacting by rolling his eyes and carrying on you would have realised he would have reacted badly to whatever you were going to tell him. He is a tosser and you will not want to tell him anything in future.

TheNaze73 · 03/04/2016 22:46

It just sounds like two people that don't like each other very much.

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