divorce help please . . .

[greatscott81]

This is more of a WWYD I suppose, but I really need some opinions on this from people who aren't emotionally invested.

I separated from my husband in October 2014 and received the decree nisi in March 2015. We had a tumultuous and occasionally violent relationship but I have full custody of our DD (3) and he sends maintenance each month. Our consent order was thrown out of court because it made no provision for me. He promised to buy a house to leave in DD's name and that I would have the right to live in it until she reaches 18.

ExH is asset rich - owns three properties (one a 3 bed house in a wealthy London borough, and another a small holding) however, claims to be cash poor. He has purchased a house in a village near the family home for me and DD to live. This house was meant to be put into DD's name for her future but this hasn't happened. My mother invested in the house under the promise the money would be available to her in the future should she need it (ExH claimed he was unable to raise the full deposit and my DM was keen to help push the purchase through for us).

Anyway, fast forward . . . ExH is now threatening he will default on mortgage payments as he has clearly overstretched himself. I have spoken to my solicitor who thinks I need to ask that ExH sells a property and pays off the mortgage on the property which would then be in mine and DD's name. We weren't married very long and I feel guilty about whether or not this is too much and if I really deserve this? I don't want to start world war three and am keen not to enter into a bitter divorce. That said, I need to protect my daughter and I don't feel secure at the moment. The house is also damp and Ex has done nothing to tackle this (despite, in essence him being my landlord). He was extremely controlling throughout our relationship and I feel that he is continuing to do this. I am setting up a small business so don't have a salary or anyway to move into a rented property - which also means I couldn't get a mortgage of my own.

I'm a bit stuck really. Grateful for any advice. Thank you

If he sells another of his properties, and fully pays off the mortgage on the house you're living in, then I'd say you've done very well out of this divorce.

Most people sell the marital home and divide the proceeds.

I'm not sure what your solicitor is suggesting, is very moral, tbh.

You do have my sympathies tho, it sounds like a hard situation to be in.

I wonder what will happen when your DD turns 18? Make sure you are financially secure at that point and can afford to rent/buy - she may wish to sell the house to fund Uni, or something.

There wasn't an owned martial home - we lived in a property that belongs to his parents. Otherwise yes, that would be the norm. I don't want to be seen as 'having done well' out of the divorce, I just want security and I don't know how else to achieve this. The solicitor has suggested he would retain 25% of the house's value to be due to him when DD turns 18.

It's a very tricky position - my parents had a very bitter divorce and it's the last thing I want to put DD through.

Your solicitors suggestion sounds unrealistic to me. I would expect his solicitor to simply laugh at it.

Your ex will rightly be expected to provide for your child but you will be expected to maximise your own earning potential.

How long were you married? Did you give up a job / career to be a SAHP?

Your solicitors suggestion sounds unrealistic to me. I would expect his solicitor to simply laugh at it.

I agree.

I would imagine that a solicitor is more likely to have an accurate sense of what is realistic than people posting on MN who have no idea re. length of relationship, size of marital pot, etc.

The fact that your husband suggested that he simply buy a house in DD's name and that you'd have the right to live in it until she is 18 rings massive alarm bells for me - in that it sounds as though you may be used to feeling as though you don't really deserve much if anything out of this divorce. Clearly the arrangement was seen as being totally unacceptable by the courts.

If you're not happy with your solicitor's advice then I'd go and see another - but essentially if you want this resolved, it sounds as though you need to start financial proceedings, in order to bring this to a close. Ultimately it sounds as though you have a low earning capacity at the moment and the need to house a very young child. The courts will see that as a priority.

His solicitor would dine out on that request for many years. Totally unrealistic request

How on earth can you say that, knowing as little as you do regarding the value of the assets etc?

Actually it isn't an unrealistic request - a friend has just agreed a very similar settlement. I was made redundant and we made a joint decision that I would set up a business and that he would support me (TBH, it was his idea). However, he quickly became frustrated that the business wasn't making an immediate profit and then claimed I was a scrounger etc. He resented paying for me and DD even though I was working through the night to set up a business (which is growing but I'm not yet in a position to take a salary). I work nights and weekends to build it as can't afford childcare outside of the free hours DD has at pre-school.

Teapot - you're exactly right. I have been made to feel like a golddigger and that I don't deserve anything. I want to be fair and do this amicably but it has also really scared me that he may default on the mortgage payments, we'd lose the deposit and then DD and I would be homeless. I just want to feel secure and not to be living in a home my ex-husband owns and still pays for (part of our issues were financial abuse so this is additionally tricky).

Our consent order was thrown out of court because it made no provision for me. He promised to buy a house to leave in DD's name and that I would have the right to live in it until she reaches 18

It sounds as if your solicitor is on the ball if not the money, but I very much doubt that a letter from you will persuade your ex to make good on his promise.

To whom was his promise made? Was it given in court?

I note that the Nisi was granted in May of last year. Has the Absolute been pronounced and, if so, when?

No, the absolute hasn't been granted - I want to get this consent order/financial in place before we take that step.

It was a verbal agreement. I was very naive and possibly a little bullied and I trusted that he would do as he said. Sadly that hasn't been the case. No, we haven't been in court yet. We'd hoped to do this as cheaply as possible, but the more he lies and makes things difficult, the more expensive it's going to be!

The absolute can't be granted until the consent order has been agreed.

You and your solicitor presumably have received financial disclosure from your ex and know the size of the marital pot and what's realistic, which varies case by case, everyone's financial situation is different.

Even in a short marriage, assuming you are young and can work, with a child involved you should be looking at least 50/50 if not 55/45 so the equivalent of one of the three properties doesn't sound unrealistic to me, but without knowing the details it's impossible to say.

I would say though if your solicitor advised you to sign a consent order that was thrown out by a judge because it didn't make adequate provision for your needs, you might want to think about finding a new solicitor.

No - my solicitor categorically advised me NOT to sign. However, I was keen to divorce my H so I went against the solicitor's advice. In the end it didn't matter because the order was thrown out but I admit it was pretty stupid. My ex lied on the financial disclosure form so it's a whole bundle of crap to be honest.

Thank you for all replies x

That was really silly .

If your ex lied on the disclosure form you sent in with the consent order (D81), then he was technically in contempt of court as you sign a statement of truth on that form.

I don't think him buying a house in your dds name is good enough, your dd should be provided for directly in your wills, and in the maintenance he's paying and your earning. You need your share of the marital assets personally, it doesn't sound like you are getting anything.

You can resolve this without going to court, but the consent order has to reflect a reasonable division of assets, between the two of you, if you can't agree that through negotiation via solicitors then you need to go to formal mediation and then if necessary court, but it sounds like there isn't a lot of cash to fund court proceedings so I can see why you're trying to avoid that. You need to go back to your solicitor and listen to his advise.

I really don't understand most of the comments on this thread, your solicitor has the facts and it's his job to advise you based on those facts.

MrsLindor I think it's the brigade of those who think a woman in the OP's position should just get on with it and should be grateful to receive crumbs during a divorce.

I am as baffled as you are that people are scoffing with great authority at the verdict of the only person in possession of all the facts and working in the legal profession - namely; the OP's solicitor.

TeapotDictator And the judge who looked at the consent order and the financial disclosure (normally nodded through) and decided the OP wasn't receiving her fair share.

The OP is being bullied by her ex and doesn't need people on here reinforcing his behaviour.