Help me script my ultimatum please

[mikado1]

I have posted a number of times before and though things tend to improve, and are certainly better than they were, my oh's low moods and anger are still a problem that I am not prepared to put up with me, for me or our DC.

I believe he has MH problems-depression, anxiety, maybe OCD-and want him for once and for all to get proper help and not stop getting help until things have changed for the better.

I don't want to barrage him with a long list of criticism but I do plan to sit down tonight and point out my side and let him know he has a week to see his GP and if not I want to separate. I am hoping he will do the right thing and it won't come to that because I believe he is a good man but I cannot put up with the cloud over the house a lot of the time. There is sighing, swearing under his breath, door slamming, things being thrown/banged around when tidying instead of just put away. He is very highly strung. There is shouting at times. He seems properly miserable in himself and it feels like he finds it physically impossible to open his mouth and say how he feels, even 're the smallest thing, so he tends to be PA which drives me bananas. He has no interest in going out though he does take the dc to playgrounds etc. I have been civil but am fed up of being the one to start the conversation every time so this is my last ditch effort to make him see it can't go on.

[goddessofsmallthings]

However you went about it, it was never going to go well as this man sees no reason to change his behaviour because, in his mind, he's perfect and anyone who dares to contradict him is being thoroughly unreasonable.

[OneFoxNoChickens]

As he's so volatile, I think I would just tell him he needs to see a doc. If he doesn't then I agree with PPs that say either move out or get him to. This will get him to really evaluate the situation and realise he and no-one else can sort this. He can't just expect you to put up and shut up, that is unreasonable. Put the ball in his court by telling him he has to change. If he doesn't - split. At least hand on heart you have tried. Wedding vows are all very well and I thoroughly believe in them myself but in the face of your DH breaking them himself and not giving a fuck, what can you do? Become surrendered? I would not give him a list or a load of stuff as in his mind you will seem unreasonable. Just give him one thing one big thing and that is to seek help and advice, follow that advice and become a nicer person or be around or fuck off. I would be really careful not to seem the unreasonable one here OP.
You do get to a point where nothing will ever make you feel the same way about a person though. If you have got there, leave or tell him to and divorce him. Life is short. If you do split take extreme care as he may escalate in his abuse of you and yours.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

I'm with Toffee: you should focus on your own choices, on the changes that only you can make, which is the choice to stay or leave. Ultimatums are a form of threat, and I don't think you should resort to that. You've already told him which are the behaviours you don't like, he's perfectly aware how you feel about these behaviours. If he wanted to change them, he would have.

So rather than "Change x, or else I will leave!", I think your message should be "I am leaving, because x is intolerable to me." Then do it.

Whether he chooses to shape up or not will be his choice. But you need to live by your own standards of what you find acceptable.

[mikado1]

Thanks everyone I really appreciate itI have not spoken about this to anyone IRL, not really. Nothing has been said since apart from the usual child-related stuff. The day started with 'Jesus Christ' and a slam of the door within first 15mins.. I am going to tell my two DSis this week.

[mikado1]

goddess I genuinely feel help will help, I don't see him thinking he's perfect, in fact would say his self esteem is fairly low. He Saud before it is extremely difficult to ask for help-he did 4 sessions previously, free with work and felt that should be enough.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Hmm. It appears that what you said last night fell on deaf ears went down like a lead balloon, abeit that he used an appropriate salutation to start the day on a Sunday.

As low self-esteem can give rise to an inverted superiority complex, and as I have not met the man in rl, I have a diferrent perspective than your own, Mikado, and more particularly as ime those who don't make an effort to modify or change their unacceptable behaviour can be of the opinion that there is no need for them to do so, which may account for the brief duration of his former counselling sessions.

In short, you're seeing "low moods and anger" and have abscribed them to "MH problems-depression, anxiety, maybe OCD", while I'm seeing the behaviour of a self-absorbed and self-entitled man who needs a mahoosive kick up the arse to propel him out of your life.

Time will tell, but it should be remembered that time will also tell on your dc who are having to ensure the toxic atmosphere prevails that in their home; the place where they should feel safe, loved, and nurtured.

[goddessofsmallthings]

doh! final para. should read "time will also tell on your dc who are having to endure not 'ensure.

[mikado1]

Despite it all and your sobering words, I laughed out loud 're. Sunday salutation!

[Whistle73]

I could have posted this myself mikado! In fact I started a thread about my husband this morning. Am due to have a similar chat tonight.