Gaslighting

[SoUnsureMaybe]

How do you know when it's happening to you??
I've never been more confused, depressed and lost in my life. I'm sure I'm losing my mind. X

Do get some advice and get rid of him - you do not need proof that he cheated whatever he might say. The fact you don't believe his denials is enough. You don't need proof of anything. The fact he is making you unhappy is enough.

As for the sexual stuff that sounds like the "r" word to me. It was sex that you did not consent to. Look up the "cup of tea" definition of consent.

For once it is a great thing you are not married, if the house is yours.

The r word is rape, by the way. You deserve better.

I'm glad that you feel you can talk to your grandma. You took a big step in posting here and acknowledging what is going on, and talking to people in RL is another big step. The more people that know, the more support you will have and the less it will feel like a dirty secret. You have nothing to be ashamed of, ALL the blame and shame belongs to your 'partner'.

I'm so glad that the house is yours, and that you can talk to your grandma. Your children deserve and need better, but very importantly so do you. x

Have you spoken to Womens Aid in the past?
If not then please give them a call.
They can help you to see this for what it is.
Then you take action.
If you have the strength then just get the locks changed.
Pack his stuff up while he is out and send him a text telling him his stuff in the front garden and he's not welcome back into your home again.
That's a radical and massive step but at least start with Womens Aid.
Hopefully your grandmother can help you as well.
Do you have any men in the family that can help you and be there when he does kick off?

for you.

You deserve so much more and so do your DC.

This man (and there is no dear partner in this case) sexually and emotionally abuses you.

You really need to leave the relationship. As you own the house and are not married....when you do have the courage to end this (and no you do not need his permission), change the locks etc.

Have you contacted WA? Or a rape helpline? I would kindly suggest that you do, as you will need the support when things are finished.

If you don't have any men in the family, what about friends DP/DH's?

If you think it may get physical, I would also call the police and have it logged. This way if he gets aggressive etc and you call them they will quickly come to your aide.

Personally I think a good strong grandma will be as much help to the OP as several strong men.

I just heard someone from Women's Aid on the radio talking about how they can help you make a plan to end an abusive relationship that focuses on your safety.

Lots of posters advocating WA and I agree - they are the frontrunners for domestic violence. So glad you are going to talk to your grandma OP and I assume you are closer to her than your parents. Phew pregnant within a month, not judging at all but it does mean that you didn't know this man at all - what do you know of his family/background/friends. I have a hunch that he has had a deprived (possibly abusive) background, although that is nothing to do with you and I really hope you can "nail your courage to the sticking post" and break away from this man and you CAN - you'll need support and hope you have RL family/friends to support you.

I agree with others that he has the potential to become violent when he knows the games up, so do be prepared for that. On the other hand he might just move on to the next unsuspecting woman. I imagine he has charisma as you fell for him so quickly, so the same thing is likely to happen again.

That would be 'screw your courage to the sticking-place'.

OK but I'm sure the OP knew what I meant.

Sorry, didn't mean my pedantry to detract from the thread.

Hi everyone...I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I've found it very hard to concentrate on anything with how my mood has been the last few days.
I spoke to my grandma (she is my best friend). I went out the other day and she looked after my kids, P was out, and when he came back he did the usual bashing everything I do, so she gave it back tenfold. I'm doubt anything is going to change ever.
Yeah Nina he was very charismatic when we met, that's changed very quickly. I also know very little about background and family, he's from a different country so of course different cultures too.
I don't even know what else to say, my brain literally won't cooperate. x

PLEASE DO NOT MARRY HIM. It is NOT in your interests, but it is in his. You'll loose your house for starters.

Honesty he sounds like an abusive arsehole. Poor you.

Time to look at splitting and how to protect yourself while you put it into place. Read why does he do that by Lundy. It will open your eyes.

The stuff about the sleeping with the ex he 100% did. I'd bet me home on it.

Realising the truth of the situation you are in is bound to scramble your brain and make you feel overwhelmed. But you can find your way out of this. Keep reading on here and talk to Women's Aid. Gradually you can find your way out.

You need to get away from this man sooner rather than later. You have no idea about his past and he sounds like a con man who by definition are charismatic, to suck in their prey. I'd like to bet there are a string of women and children that he's left behind or have managed to get away from him. He could even have a criminal record.

Get him out - get some support but he needs to go.

I never really realised till my ex wife left me and the kids for another man. Only after about 5 months of being apart did I really start to dig into all the things that niggling little voice in the back of my head had been doubting over the year. Its only now i have uncovered the years of lies and manipulation. All throughout our relationship she told me things and put spin on things that deep down I was never sure of but I trusted her far more than my gut. The truth has blown me away. I feel I have come out the Matrix and can finally reality. It's hard to get over but I am finding my self again and building bridges with old friends.

From my experience only space away from the spin gives that oppertunity to really explore what is real and fake. I would say if things don't feel right in your gut then there is probably something wrong. Remember if you as being gaslighted you are being conditioned to question your judgement.

Oh OP another who has been where you are. At least you are now aware, and I think you know what to do? Do not marry him with ku some good legal advice. Your home will become a marital asset.

When I ended my marriage XH didn't put up a fight at all. It was a relief, but also I couldn't, and still can't, understand how all this meant so little to him that he could let it slip away. He cheated on me which was my get out, it have me something tangible hang it on which everyone understood.

I started reading up about narcissism and an awful lot fell into place. Like you I didn't want to teach my DCs that this was how relationships work. Like you, I had my first DC with a man I didn't know.

It went on for years for me. I didn't leave when I found out about the cheating. I didn't leave when he told me about the other cheating. But when I did leave I felt nothing. He had stripped it bare and there was nothing left. I knew that if I didn't leave then there would be nothing of me left and quite frankly with so little self-respect left, I didn't deserve any better if I didn't go then.

I have my 4 DCs, I have a new man who treats me with the utmost kindness. I had no idea what it was like to be cared for. I am finding out now.

Good luck OP with what you do. If you don't do it now, you will one day when you are strong enough.

How are you doing, SoUnsure?