Illness in parents recalling awful childhood.

[AreTheyTheBreaks]

My mother had to have intensive surgery (12hr) to hopefully remove a cancer. I stayed in the hospital for the surgery and visited everyday while she was in residence; this I could handle as I was going back and forth from home.

It was agreed that I along with my 18 month old child (sahp) would stay with her, to look after her as she had at least a 6 week period of strenuous activity incubation and obviously the massive surgery! My mother is married to my father, they live together, there is a 11 year age difference both fairly recently retired.

I went into it knowing it wouldn't be easy. I arrived two hours before my mum to her house to find it manky and with a pile of my of my father's ironing, I tidied it all up as my mother is particular.

The next 2/3 weeks quickly proved to be difficult, my father suddenly became ill at first flu then his back, always very nondescript. I suddenly had two patients on top of my toddler. Except my dad always managed to rouse himself for a gin at 5pm.

Trying to be succinct, I ran about after then while trying to keep my child's routine to a degree,it got to the point where I couldn't cope and the baby went home at the weekends to be with his dad, because if my dad wasn't going on about immigration and muslins he was telling me how awful I was and that he didn't need to here my opinion, my mother was being institutionalised, doing nothing at all and criticising my work.

My dad started to pick on my child creating the emotional instability I knew as I child and I couldn't go on. I can home to my darling DH. This came after a massive blow out where my dad tried to pack my bags because he hated my presence.

I begged my mother to come with me but she wouldn't. When I got home I called her and suddenly the narrative had changed they were fine, having been unable to do anything, I had left because being away from my husband was too much and that m toddler was hard going.

I am lost, so much from my adolescence makes sense but I am at a loss, I feel hysterical, I know something is wrong but I feel it is me.

It isn't you.

Jesus Christ, no. It's not you darling!

What a horrendous experience. I'm not surprised you are feeling extremely shaken and thrown off balance. I can see how being catapulted back into those hugely dysfunctional family dynamics would be trigger overwhelming emotions and make you doubt yourself. But your post screams THEY ARE FUCKED UP, IT IS NOT YOU.
You were trying - so, so hard - to do the best for your mum. I've been in the situation of trying to encourage my mum out of an abusive situation. It's so sad when there is nothing more you can do. But then for them to change the 'story' after you left is massive gaslighting, no wonder you feel hysterical.
How are you now? Can you reassure yourself that you are safe back with your own family, and that you did your very best for your mum in impossible circumstances?

The good thing about this is that you can now see their behaviour from fresh, adult eyes.

As children we can't really "see" parental dysfunction for what it is and so we internalize a lot of the total bollocks that is thrust upon us as our shit, when really it is theirs.

Allow yourself some time to process this experience and allow the feelings that want to arise to bubble up - they are the link to the unhealed aspects of yourself from the abuse you suffered as a child.

And then cut the arseholes out of your life. You can't help/change them and they will keep being abusive to you and you don't deserve it.