Trying to please everyone 18 months down the line

[Pleasingeveryone1]

I don't know what to do anymore.
I want to be free I suppose.

I have been split from my exdp for well over a year now, he left me for someone else and as sad as that made me it was his behaviour afterwards that really knocked me.

I feel like I have tried to aim for the perfect separation but instead I think it's just created an imperfect fog around me , myself and I.

The children are happy and unaffected, well I'd like to think so.
I've worked so very hard to ensure this, I utterly dote on them, I work whilst they are at school, cook from scratch, fresh uniforms every day and house is always tidy.

My relationship with their dad is ... Probably overly nice, overly accepting - scared of hurting him, scared of becoming the ex that he hates or bad mouths --- I know I need to be less considerate of him and how he feels, I know that.
I have never used the children as a weapon, he has had the children when he was supposed from the day he left.
I don't make demands for time or money from him other than what he gives.
I just want for an easy life. I send emails and update, or converses when he emails we do get on. We have even managed a fair few dinners out together.

The children see two parents at pick ups who genuinely get on.

I have also remained in contact quite regularly with his mum, she has been good to me and the children but lately I am wondering if I am beginning to lose tolerance with her. I'm also a little disgruntled that nobody has ever really said to my ex what have you done to your family!! She emails every week - she'll then be in touch with the ex and so even if I haven't spoken to him he knows what we've been up to etc.

If I'm honest I feel a bit suffocated - I feel like I am pleasing her when I have no need to have a relationship with her anymore.

I feel like my ex has got this wonderful relationship with his ex and his children but all because I have took the upper ground, he is able to call and chat, we can do parents evenings and school plays together.

He left. He caused someone a lot of pain and maybe just maybe I am not cut out to be this pally anymore.

How do I be free but without hurting him or being seen as an awful ex in the process ? And so that my children are still unscathed.

He just made me seem that my upset was unwarranted and she made me feel like it was he who should be upset about missing his children.
I guess if your told something enough you begin to believe.

I know I did not make him do what he did I just don't want to spin the plates anymore I want to find away to accept that I've done a year of being friendly and it's not worked for me, now I want my freedom.

I just need to find my way to be selfish.

Infidelity is a traumatic event. It sounds like it's still early days. Ignore these selfish twats. They will do and say anything to justify what they've done. They don't get to decide how you should feel or react.

Are you making the most of your child free time when DC are with their dad?

To be honest I get from 5 Saturday evening until 3 Sunday afternoon. I work full time and leave at 8 every morning. Once my child free time comes I've no life left in me I need the sleep to get ready for Monday to start all over again.

And that's twice a month.

Please please please stop!
My ex left 10 weeks ago and I was like you!
I would invite him to put our 2 year old to bed I would try and be friends with him civil and everything emailing him pictures the lot! I then found out about the ow and I flipped my lid!
I couldn't believe how he had ripped apart our family and I was still making an effort for him to see his kids etc (including our now 4 week old)
I blamed myself for my ex not being with his kids not being at the birth everything until recently when It hit me he could have been there is was never stopping. He portrayed me as the evil ex (still does) but his parents have started to see its not me that was stopping him he wasn't making enough effort!
It killed me I have been going to councilling to try and deal with this blame and hatred towards myself for him not being in their life! There is a few ladies on this who have shown me that you need to be selfish you need to do what is best for you because let's be honest they have! If you need a chat inbox me x

Why do you keep using the word 'selfish'?

It's a negative word, you know that yet you keep using it about yourself!

Selfish is when you only consider yourself with no appreciation of how that affects others.

What you need to do is not be selfish, but be more self aware in your behaviour. That means allowing yourself to meet your own needs too. That's not selfish.

Perhaps if you stopped using that word (which I believe you'd not be capable of as that'd make you just as unhappy as being a people pleaser) and actually took a stance of self awareness and balance, you'd be far happier for it.

Another trick I've been doing (as I'm a people pleaser at heart who is resentful for not having my needs met) is to use a mirroring approach in judging if I'm being selfish. This means looking at things as if I were the other party, would I be being as giving? It's been a real eye opener. My beliefs that I was normal and just a nice person have changed. I'd lost my sense of self and am gradually making small changes to find equalibrium, so it's not like I'm suddenly turning into a selfish cow as I'd be just as miserable if that were the case. I'm looking to find the balance.