Is there a way to live happily without sex?

[MagentaSpunkTrumpet]

Following on from past threads, I really think this could be a possibility for DH and I :(

Problems with ED, lack of privacy, opposing shifts and wildly mismatched libidos has culminated in a situation where actually, I would rather not try than try and be rejected or have to "abort mission" as it were.

I'm worried we've got to a stage where the recriminations are too great now, and yet I have no desire to break up. I love DH with all my heart, and the idea of leaving due to a lack of sex is almost absurd. We have so much more going for us.

It's not like we're detached in every other sense because we're not. We hold hands, we kiss, cuddle etc, it's just the final act that has become a sticking point.

I figure that my choices are to either leave, or to stay but acknowledge that sex is just not on our agenda anymore. That way there's no pressure on DH and I won't be disappointed. I just feel that I could cope better if I knew that was how it was going to be, rather than hoping at every opportunity that this would be the time IYSWIM?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

This thread has taken an interesting mansplaining turn...

We haven't had sex for about 15 years! We mention it occasionally but agree that neither of us is bothered and, if anything, love each other more than when we were bonking away three times a day. Lots of cuddles, total trust, holding hands etc and the ability to talk about anything at all mean that we have a warm and close relationship.
It started when dh had a heart attack however it had been tailing off a bit before them.
Mind you I was in my 50s so I guess it mattered less than it might have done 20 years earlier. Our children were grown up and our lives very comfortable. To me sex is just a little part of a relationship and not an essential.

Hi OP
I am in a sexless and affectionless marriage and am still here because of our 3 dc and because like you, leaving because of this seems "absurd".

In your case, since the affection and the potential to communicate is there, I would go down the route of talking / compromising and seeing where that leads rather than ending things at this stage. Being in a sexless relationship is a big deal however and I think a loving partner would be willing to discuss the issues and want to reach a loving compromise.

Orgasms are pleasant but can be achieved through personal or mutual masturbation. I've never fancied any of the more unusual aspects of sex nor has dh. I think we are lucky to both feel the same way.

Think you're right there mouse If either party has to get their rocks off by anything over than the considered norm, that can be as crushing to a relationship as no sex. Think these things need to be discussed as early on in a relationship as possible, as it'll only lead to problems later on.

THe fact that you say you love your DH with all your heart says that it is worth working at this. I was in a virtually sexless marriage with my ExDH because our relationship had deteriorated so much and the lack of sex was a symptom of that. In your case, you want to stay together and are loving and affectionate in other ways. You can have, um, sexy touching sessions (!), without the expectation that it ends in sex - you just need to make it clear there is no expectation and that it is just about enjoying each other in other ways. With my current partner, who I love very much, I could manage without penetrative sex, but not without the closeness of other intimate physical contact.

Not sure why you are having a go at me DWH. I was going to post a bit more on this thread but now i dont think i will bother.

I don't fully understand DWH posts

How old are you Op? I couldn't stay in your shoes.

Well, this thread has taken an unexpected turn

sunshine I'm nearly 40.

DH is away for work tonight and then DS is at his GP's for the weekend. Hopefully we can have a proper talk about it while we have a little privacy

Oh gosh, only 39.....way too young to be ending your sex life. What about Viagra?

But surely my age is irrelevant in this context sunshine? I mean, I wouldn't say I would stay with DH if I was 40 but at 39 that's far too young?

In any case I never imagined myself in this situation during the shagfests of my early years

And DH has been prescribed ED medication but it's not overly successful

mouse your experience sounds lovely and would be the second best option for me :)

I wouldn't say age is irrelevant no. If you're 59 that's a big difference to 39. 39 means up to 20 years before you're post menopausal. It means 20 more years of a sex less marraige than if you were 59.

I couldn't resign myself to a sexless relationship however happy now at mid thirties. And it's been on the cards a few times with various ED and gynea problems in the last three years.

Have you discussed with your H the possibility of you finding a reliable and discreet FWB - since your H doesn't appear very invested in fixing this problem?

If he's unwilling to consider this, then I'd consider that he's ended the marriage. You don't get to unilaterally make a marriage celibate and then demand the other person adhere to that as well

I sympathise with you OP, the other issue is that it's pretty difficult to tell people you broke up your family because your marriage was sexless. Unfortunately i would think some people would judge you for that. Perhaps i am not a great romantic, but I don't see any conflict with your statement that you love him with all your heart and your desire to possibly end the relationship because you like sex, you love people in different ways and this seems like a relationhsip in which it's tough to imagine sex ever becoming a regular thing again. So what to do ? Does he know how unhappy you are ? He must have some idea that not being able to or wanting to have sex with your partner at 40 is not "normal" ?

The problem is OP that 39 is what I was when he decided our marriage would be celibate. I am now 50 and it is no less painful.

Without wanting to be all doom and gloom me and my dh's sex life has dwindled for the last three years since our son was diagnosed as autistic. He works all the time, I'm trying to manage our son plus two other children and keep a house, I was/am always tired and we didn't mean it to happen but our sex life went out of the window. We have, as of last week decided to separate. Don't get me wrong we haven't just decided this on the basis of a non existent sex life but it's certainly impacted everything, we just lost the closeness and we couldn't get it back.

I don't fully understand DWH posts

Ok, try this. When a woman appears in relationships and laments that her lover will not go down on her and ask if thats a deal-breaker for other women, you never see anyone arise to declare 'sex is about more than cunnilingus'. Not even women who dislike the practice do that, because they would not presume to dictate to another woman the personal importance she places on it.

But when PIV is raised in its place with the same concerns people appear to helpfully declare 'sex is more than intercourse', backing one another up cabal-like with versions of 'Yes, I agree with you about that, poster XYZ'. Its a shaming technique. In this climate the OP declares Unfortunately I am one of those few women who do come during PiV. Can you imagine any woman in relationships ever feeling the need to clarify and justify what she enjoys with 'Unfortunately I am one of those women who cum during cunnilingus'?

DWH i didnt say sex is more than intercourse I said many women cant come through PIV. Gaslight much?

I just went riiigghht off cunnilingus.

DWH is stating his views - I get what he's saying, why the agression? OP DID end up aplogising for orgasming through PIV. It does often feel cabal-like on MN especially when men try to talk on sensitive issues - God, it's just his opinion and not a stupid one, you could disagree without attacking .

DWH was doing the attacking. Hence his "So what Helena Dove" in his first post on the thread.

Yeah, yeah, he started it. Well can I end it by saying that women are perfectly entitled to want and enjoy PIV, whether that specific activity leads them to orgasm every time or not. You shouldn't have to apologise to feminists for wanting cock.

OP, I think you need to think long term. I get the impression your children are quite little. I know when we had a young family we had much less sex, everything does get slightly lost in the intensity of caring for children, which is physical and demanding.

However, as our children have got older and left home, we have found the sex has ramped back up. The children leaving home really is a second act in your marriage, when you start to think about a future of just the two of you. I think the lack of sex could really start to bite, then.

What I am saying is, I don't think your marriage is going to make the long haul without sex, judging from how unhappy it makes you, so it may be a better to think in terms of when would be best for you to separate, not if. That may give you the strength to talk it through reasonably and part amicably. Good luck.

I never said that they wernt whatthese I used to enjoy PIV myself back in the past.

Why are ppl insisting that i said something i didnt. Please stop gaslighting.

It's not a massive big deal if you're single but if there's somebody IN THE BED next to you and you're not having sex it's a massive deal. imo.

The loneliest I ever felt was when I was "with" somebody and we weren't sleeping together.

aMag I get what you're saying, but DH and I are together in so many other ways. Also, he can't physically manage to have full sex rather than the fact he just isn't interested or trying.

I have done a little extra reading about this while this thread had turned a bit weird and came across a story of a woman in the same situation, though the DH had undergone some treatment for cancer. She stayed and they compromised as she truly felt that it was unfair to leave him for something he couldn't help.

I think I feel the same way about DH, as he has looked for help. It may not have been hugely successful but he's willing to return to his GP and I know what a massive deal that is for him.