Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Regret

18 replies

Vickip123 · 30/03/2016 16:59

Hi everyone, I just wanted to no if anyone had any advice! I was dating a guy (A) for a few months and fell pregnant, he was lovely but I was only young and didn't appreciate how nice he was, thort he was a bit over protective. Anyway we broke up and we never spoke again. I met someone else guy (b) and said he wanted to bring the child up as his own. I contacted guy (a) when I had the baby and he asked if I wanted him to be in the child's life, I said no but wouldn't stop him. He asked if I wanted money, I said not if he's not being involved, so he said have a nice life. That's the last time I heard from him. So I left it and made a go of things with guy (b) fell pregnant soon after giving birth. I now have 2 children with guy (b) as well as guy (a's) biological child. Me and guy (b) split over a year ago and I can't help regretting the way I did things. My first child now things guy (b) is his dad and has no idea otherwise. It was never (great) with guy (b) and we always were just kind of trying to make it work, it sounds silly I no but time past far to fast and before I knew it was too late to change anything. How do I move on from this?

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 30/03/2016 17:03

You learn from the past and refuse to settle for 'never great' ever again.

Original poster

Vickip123 · 30/03/2016 17:17

I keep hoping he will one day get in touch and it will all be ok, I could of been so happy with him I can see that now 😔

OP posts:

sunshinesummer · 30/03/2016 17:24

What are the time frames here and ages of the kids?

goddessofsmallthings · 30/03/2016 17:34

You move on by looking forward rather than backwards. The past is done and gone and it's up to you to create the best possible future for your 3 dc and yourself.

How old are they and is it your intention to continue raising your eldest in the mistaken belief that he is the son of his half-siblings' df?

Drinkstoomuchcoffee · 30/03/2016 17:40

It's very easy to idealise someone with whom one had a short relationship in the past. But you really do not know whether things would have gone well in the longer term. The concerns you had about this man in the past may well have been very well founded.
You need now to look forward not back.

TheBakeryQueen · 30/03/2016 17:40

I don't think guy a could be that amazing if he was happy to have nothing to do with his child, do you?
It sounds like you didn't know him that well anyway and are just creating some fantasy of what could've been.
It doesn't sound realistic.
I'd concentrate on being happy single and prioritising your children.
How old is your first child?

Original poster

Vickip123 · 30/03/2016 17:42

My oldest is 4 and a half, then 3 and a half and youngest is 18 months

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 30/03/2016 17:48

Oh bless you.
The thing is the past is the past, who knows how things would of worked out if you and guy A had stayed together it is easy to build up a ideal life in your mind.
You can't change the past but you can choose your future!
You need to look to the future and what is best for the 3 Dc you have.

You say child 1 thinks guy b is there dad, do you feel that isn't the right decision? How old is child 1? Would it be appropriate to tell child 1 they have a different dad? I think every child has the right to know who there biological dad is.

Original poster

Vickip123 · 30/03/2016 17:55

He is 4 and a half, yes he thinks guy (b) is his dad and I have regretted letting him think this for the past 4 years. I don't no what to do for the best, I don't want to confuse him and have so many times nearly told him but I don't want to cause trouble between guy (b) and his mum who is the one that has the boys once a week so guy (b) can see them. He only pays for the youngest 2 through csa and he and his family know that he's not the eldest ones dad

OP posts:

TheBakeryQueen · 30/03/2016 18:02

Well I think, considering he is still very young, that the subject could be broached carefully. Guy B can still be his 'dad' as he has raised him but maybe discuss types of dads with him, explaining biological dad but in simple terms.
I think it could be really shocking and upsetting for him to find out when he is much older.

Pinkheart5915 · 30/03/2016 18:03

Would it cause trouble with guy b mum as she knows he isn't the dad and has looked after him all this time.
Could you say to ds that some people have a daddy that made them and a daddy that chose them and he is very special as his 'daddy' chose him, or something along those lines. you might even be able to buy a story book to help you tell him.
As guy b family all know he isn't the dad your ds will find out one day and I think telling a 4 year old is easier than telling a teenager.
Take your time and think it over.

Original poster

Vickip123 · 30/03/2016 19:40

I think it would, I have spoke to my mum about it all but she thinks I should just leave it and doesn't think he will ever find out. It's hard knowing what to do for the best

OP posts:

Original poster

Vickip123 · 30/03/2016 20:27

If I did tell him, what if he wanted to no where his real daddy is and why he doesn't see him. I wouldn't no how to deal with it

OP posts:

britmodgirl · 30/03/2016 21:51

Keep rolling forward. Raise your standards (said in the nicest possible way)
Concentrate on you and the kids don't keep looking backwards with rose tinted specs x

TresDesolee · 30/03/2016 21:57

Your Ds1 will definitely find out one day, OP.

I know people who've been horribly traumatised by finding out something like this in their 20s or 30s

This stuff always comes out in the end

Big girl pants on. Deal with it now (lovely idea from pp about 'daddy who made you and daddy who chose you')

And guy 1 isn't that great if he didn't want to be involved with his son, I'm afraid.

Choceeclair123 · 30/03/2016 22:11

I'm with the other ladies, I think everyone has a right to know who their biological parents are.

I can't offer any advice on how or when you would talk to your child about this but I think you should think about it

janaus · 31/03/2016 01:08

Remember, he might need to know, or find out, down the track, for medical reasons.

Cabrinha · 31/03/2016 08:29

You say you don't know how to handle his potential questions... Then you need to step up. Get some advice from an adoption charity perhaps, post on relevant boards on here.

You should tell him - you're lucky you have the chance whilst he is so young, the longer you leave this the harder it is for both of you. Screw what your XMIL thinks. This boy should know.

Your XBF doesn't see him as his own child, as he doesn't pay maintenance. There's a possibility when he's older (especially if he is ever difficult to manage, as children sometimes are) that your XBF might not want to include him. I know that's a bit doom and gloom but it's possible. Definitely better to manage it now.

I actually don't like the made/choose distinction in this case. You cannot guarantee that he will continue to choose your oldest. Could be worse to explain being unchosen! I think you should be factual. Introduce a few sex ed low key chats - visiting petting farms for lambing season right now for example, where do baby animals come from... then tell him "sometimes people live with a daddy who isn't their bio dad, all families have different shapes" - catch his interest that it's something interesting but every day rather than dramatic. Tell the truth.

Flip