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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

39 weeks pregnant with 3 DC to look after and DH is being a total and utter arse

26 replies

Notimefortossers · 30/03/2016 09:49

Just that really. Sympathy thread. Lol.

Saturday night he came to bed at 1am after spending his last two days off watching stuff on his new tablet with his headphones in, allowing me to continue to run around sorting everything out. I had been in bed since 9pm after pushing myself really hard all day to get things done (just like every day). He decided he very badly needed some gaviscon and that it might be in our bedroom, so I woke up to glaring light and him banging and clashing around.

Pissed me off. Just think it's so inconsiderate waking people up because of your own selfish needs and we've had words about it before - but obviously made worse by the fact that I'm about to drop and upsets me that he doesn't consider that had it happened that night I would have had to do it on no sleep! He knows I struggle with sleep at the moment and that I generally can't get back off if I'm woken.

To make matters worse, he also woke the baby (1) who then woke the poorly 4 year old.

Whilst laying in bed with the baby clambering all over me, crying and obviously needing something, with the realisation dawning that he was not just going to go back off and I was going to have to bloody get up - this conversation took place.

Me: Did you find your Gaviscon?
Him: Yes
Me: Was it worth it?
Him: What you blaming me for this?
Me: Well it is your fault.
Him: Well I disagree with that
Me: So it's just pure coincidence that the baby woke up the same time you were banging and clashing about? It woke me up.
Him: Yeh, it woke you up but you're in the same room (no apology). Anyway it's happened now, so what do you wanna do? Row about it?

Then he got up, taking his pillow and went to sleep in the other room, leaving me with the baby. After a while of me obviously struggling, he came and took the baby off me. But after a long time listening to the baby crying and him doing jack shit about it except for lie next to him, I couldn't listen to it anymore so I got up and took the baby downstairs - followed shortly afterwards by the 4 year old.

Took me 2 hours to settle them and when I took them back upstairs he was snoring his head off.

Since then he has behaved like a right royal arse. I got up Sunday prepared to go on as normal, asked him if he wanted a tea etc. We were supposed to be taking the kids to an Easter party that they go to every year and it became apparent that he was not planning on going, choosing instead to lay his arse in bed, once again leaving me to deal with everything on my own. He finally got up about 6pm after we got back from the party and I went to bed leaving him to deal with bed time. Kids were really tired. He put the baby to bed ok, but about 10pm(!!) I was woken by the noise of DD1 (7) and DD2(4) heading to bed on their own (I usually tuck them in, but he clearly couldn't be arsed to get up) with their tablets on and blaring loudly!! (They are absolutely NOT allowed to take their tablets to bed and have time restrictions on how long they can use them for)

Mon-Thurs he does work 12 hour days so I don't see him much, but he is now completely ignoring me as though it's me that's done something wrong! Literally doesn't say a word to me! Stomps about just generally making a horrible atmosphere. I was trying my best to be strong and think fuck it, I don't need him, let him have his little strop. But it's getting to me today. Keep crying in front of the kids :/ Because the truth is I do need him right now, and how can he possibly not get that?

I mean, am I missing something? Is this not totally fucked up behaviour?

Sorry this is so long and thank you if you made it to the end

OP posts:
Diamogs · 30/03/2016 09:58

OP he sounds awful, I'm sorry that you are going through this right now.

Is he usually like this? I know that now is not the time to think about leaving him, but if he is always like this then in the longer term you would be better on your own than with this horrible man.

Imnotaslimjim · 30/03/2016 10:12

Has he always been like this? It doesn't sound like a new thing! You do need to consider your future with him tbh as he doesn't sound very supporting, if anything he just causes more problems!

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 30/03/2016 10:15

He is not always like it, but he has been known to be like it. Gets in a strop. Selfish. Considers his own needs before anyone else's. Just hurts more, because obviously at this time in our lives my needs ought to take precedence . . . well I think anyway.

Sorry to drip feed, but he's also ill. Nothing major, but heavy cold/man flu. But that always makes him behave like an arse too

OP posts:
Allnamesaretakenffs · 30/03/2016 10:22

Jesus Christ, if my husband behaved like that I'd get rid of the deadweight. If you're already doing everything on your own, what's the point in having him around?

Allnamesaretakenffs · 30/03/2016 10:23

It sounds like you have an extra man-child to have to tiptoe around.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 30/03/2016 10:50

Honestly? I've thought the same myself. The two main reasons I've not gotten rid is that a) He is a good dad in lots of ways, the children adore him and would be devastated and I'm not sure i can handle their devastation and b) I'm not prepared to give up EOW with my children.

I also think trying to co-parent with him separately would be a nightmare.

And finally, for whatever reason I still love him after 9 years. As I said, he's not like this all the time and in between infrequent strops we have a good time together. Sometimes I think maybe he doesn't deal with stress very well and that perhaps IABU expecting him to handle everything as I would

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 30/03/2016 10:51

Are all the children his?
It puzzles me why women have lots of children with men who don't pull their weight (not helpful I know)
I cannot bear moody and it sounds to me like he's more of a hindrance than anything else
You need to be resting at this point not dealing with three kids and a stroppy partner
A big chat is in order or what will happen when you have had the baby? Still no support? Not acceptable and lots of people work long day and are still a good partner and father

Horsemad · 30/03/2016 11:07

Stop right there. Stop saying he's a good dad; he is NOT a good dad.
Good dads don't treat the mother of their children like crap. Good dads work 12 hr days and then come home and pull their weight.
Good dad my arse. I know you won't have the energy to consider this right now, but once your baby is born you need to tell him this is how it's going to be and give him a list of jobs to do. You also need to make sure you get some down time without the DC so make sure he's taking them out and giving you a break.

I am so angry on your behalf. You would be so much better off without him.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 30/03/2016 11:11

Yes they are all his. We have a reverse fertility issue. Two contraceptive failures, one conceived on a two week break (where my pill had finished and was waiting for my implant app) and the other (DD2) planned for with military precision. I asked for sterilization after DC3 and was refused it. I have now been promised it following this pregnancy and he has said he will get the snip as well since there's still a 1% chance of pregnancy following sterilization and I think I could easily develop a genuine sex phobia! I am pro choice, but just don't think that I personally would cope well psychologically with an abortion so once I'm pregnant that's kinda it for me. Although I did make the app with this one, but couldn't go through with it. He wanted me to. Maybe that's his issue?

Plus, obviously my babies are my world and I wouldn't change any of them now

I'm sure DC4 arriving will snap him out of it, if it doesn't happen before! Interestingly he's usually pretty shit in the run up to me having a baby (which is why I think the stress thing), but always good after I've had them

OP posts:
Horsemad · 30/03/2016 11:13

You are making excuses for him, read your last paragraph in your previous post.

If you don't change things, then nothing will change. Do you really want to live with someone like this?

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 30/03/2016 11:14

I do plan on making him do every last little thing on his two weeks paternity leave horsemad, but he lacks initiative so I will have to say do this, do that for every last little thing which becomes exhausting in itself

OP posts:
clearingaspaceforthecat · 30/03/2016 11:15

If he doesn't manage stress well then he needs to take some proactive steps to start learning how to manage it better rather than just expecting you and your children to put up with his moods.
Has he acknowledged that his sulking and stropping about is detrimental to the rest of the family? Has he done anything to address this?

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 30/03/2016 11:17

No I don't, I wish he would stop doing it . . . but I also don't want to live with kids who cry for their Daddy all the time or miss them madly EOW. So what are my options?

OP posts:
Original poster
Notimefortossers · 30/03/2016 11:19

He has acknowledged it before clearingspace and changes for a long while, but slips back into old habits

OP posts:
clearingaspaceforthecat · 30/03/2016 12:56

Your fears may not be realised regarding how you and the children adapt to a change in circumstances. Many parents and children actually can feel much happier and more confident after separation. It doesn't have to be awful, though there will of course be a period or readjustment.
However, it may not need to come to that. But it really depends on how much you are prepared to put up with and how willing he is to acknowledge that he needs to make some changes. It is easy to fall back into old habits - so he needs to think about how to avoid that this time. He has to take responsibility for how his behaviour impacts on all of you and take responsibility for improving things.
If he doesn't then you need to decide what is right for you.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 30/03/2016 13:32

It's just a total minefield. Just sat and had a think about what I would even say to them. 'Yes I still love Daddy, but he treats me really badly sometimes and I can't put up with it anymore' . . . Is that even allowed? I mean, everyone says you shouldn't slate the other parent to the children don't they? But how do I not slate him without making myself look bad or just lying? My brain can't cope with it. My brain knows how to slap on a happy face and make everything look perfect to them

OP posts:
Allnamesaretakenffs · 30/03/2016 14:04

Way back when we were younger, I once spoke to my then fiance (now husband) in a really rude, very disrespectful way (can't recall what about), and he said to me "Would you speak to your boss like that? Your work colleagues? Your friends? No? Then what gives you the right to speak to me like that?" and he was absolutely right. I've never done it since. My point is, he would've left me had I carried on treating him like that, and ESPECIALLY now we have children because they would see that mum was treating dad like shit, so does that mean it's ok? We need to set examples to our children as to how they should expect to be treated in life, and they will respect you far more in the future I think if you don't put up with someone treating you like that (my mum allowed my dad to behave in a similar way - I really resented her for it because it ended up impacting on all of us).

Allnamesaretakenffs · 30/03/2016 14:05

It's up to him what he wants to do, but as pp said he needs to take responsibilty for his behaviour. If he is inacapable of doing this, then I guess you have a choice to make - accept that he will ALWAYS treat you like this from time to time and you'll have to be ok with that, or, if he is unable to change decide if you want to set out on your own.

Allnamesaretakenffs · 30/03/2016 14:08

Your children are old enough to see how he treats you - I was three and still remember my dad doing the same stuff to my mum. Over the years it wore me down as a child, the constant stress of his behaviour, mum allowing it to happen, seeing her just lie down and accept it. I ended up never wanting to be married, and thinking I would never find a decent man because they all seemed to be horrible.

Isetan · 30/03/2016 15:18

My brain knows how to slap on a happy face and make everything look perfect to them

You could have the acting chops of Kate Winslet and you still couldn't "make everything look perfect to them".

If I knew my Ex would be such a crap parent and co-parent post break up, I would have dumped his arse sooner and not wasted more of my life on the twat. Staying is your prerogative but at least be honest about it because 'staying for the kids', is a noble sounding excuse trotted out to kid yourself.

LindyHemming · 30/03/2016 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 30/03/2016 16:10

I honestly do believe that my kids are blissfully happy and totally unaware of our issues. They think Mummy and Daddy love each other and everything is hunky dory.

When he does shit things like skip out on their Easter Party because 'he's tired' I think those are the sort of things that as they get older they'll realise that Dad's a flake and Mum always comes through for them, without me having to slate him.

Isetan if I'd have known at the start of our relationship this is what he would be like I would not have stayed, but I was pregnant with our first DC just under a year into our relationship, so 'the kids' has always been a consideration.

I have been honest about all the reasons I'm staying, the kids are my primary concern, but I also said that I do still love him so a split would be difficult for me on an emotional level too.

Euphemia I know you are right. Trouble is I sooooooooo do not have the energy for it right now. And I don't know how to do it without accusations or blame. Bottom line he IS the reason I feel this way

OP posts:
sunshinesummer · 30/03/2016 16:16

Gosh, this sounds exhausting. Would the family finances stretch to placing DC3 into Nursery one day a week, obviously the older 2 are at school. Could you afford a cleaner? Anything to reduce your workload? I'd give him a list of jobs to do, so there's no ambiguity about what he need to do for you.

Original poster
Notimefortossers · 30/03/2016 18:11

I don't think I could justify it and I would feel guilty too, he's a proper cling on at the mo. Luckily I do have a very supportive Mum who I asked if she could possibly take the girls to their swimming lesson this afternoon, because I didn't think I could handle it. And she said yes and she'd take the baby too so I could have a rest and give them their tea before they come back and to put a bottle and pj's in for the baby and she'd bring him back ready for bed.

God bless that woman's soul.

I have spent my time cleaning, to not much avail, but it REALLY needed doing! I have been considering a cleaner, but need to see what happens with DH's job first. We had one before just for 2 hours a week so I knew the basics were covered. But she constantly messed us about, didn't show etc so I got rid of her and then I honestly thought . . . 2 hours a week? Honestly? Can I not find 2 hours a week to clean my own house?! Turns out I can't. Lol.

OP posts:
Lambbone · 30/03/2016 20:48

The man sounds like a complete tit. Why would any intelligent adult behave like that? Can he not see himself?

Does he have a sister? A female cousin? What would he think of the man who treated them like this? He should be ashamed.