WWYD husband does not make an effort with my family

[olympicsrock]

We have been married for 7 +years together for 10. Two DS youngest 8 months . DH is a good man, works hard, honest, doesn't cheat etc. We used to be very happy with shared goals planned 2 children together but we have been struggling for 5 years now since pregnant with DS1. DH loves ds1 but says he hates the majority of time he spends doing childcare or doing family things as he would prefer to be doing his hobby and is bored. From the outside he is very patient and engaged playing with DS.DS1 adores him. He did not want a second child, and only agreed to make me happy. He would not hold him for months as he could not bare the crying of a baby with reflux. I feel that he sucks the joy out of family life.
The second problem is that he can't stand most of my family and will not make an effort with them. My parents split up so family are precious to me. My brother tried to rip me off financially about 8 years ago at a difficult time in his life but has apologised and made it up to me financially. I have forgiven but not forgotten and we have a good relationship now but dh will not make any effort with my family. He either refuses to come or comes and is foul with a frown on his face. . This weekend there was an extended family party weekend. He came for the minimum of time, refused to drink socialise or join in the party at all. We had a big row about this behaviour at Christmas and I said that I no longer loved him . He has been anxious about our relationship since then and I have reassured him but yet again he has behaved badly. This time I haven't even voiced my upset and anger. I dispair. This doesn't seem bad enough to end a relationship and split up our family but things are not good. Any advice?

Oh Olympics, it's not easy at all, is it?

We are still working things out but I am confident that it is not unreasonable of me to want to see my family once a year, providing I am not putting huge strain on family finances to do so so I am just going to insist. He can be pissed off if he likes but, ultimately, I would end up resenting him massively if I didn't go just for his sake.

With regards to weekends - some trips and outings, he will come on and some he won't . Occasionally, it does frustrate me that it's assumed, if, for example, we are going to see a kids' movie or swimming that I will be the one to take them and he will do his own thing but it helps if

1. if I have plans I want him to join in, I say that specifically on Thursday or Friday that I was thinking of whatever it is for the weekend
2. Make sure you occasionally take a weekend morning or evening for yourself and just stick it in his calendar and tell him (e.g. I am doing a 10k run in a couple of weeks so I put that in his Google calendar and will remind him when the time comes, this weekend I am going out on Saturday evening so he will have to do bedtime - sounds pathetic, perhaps, to those with easily involved OHs but when you are so entrenched of the pattern of doing it all, it takes a deep breath to just get on with your life the way they do with theirs and let them handle it!)

If your OH is like mine, he probably goes off and does his hobby whenever and however he likes with barely a mention to you of when he is doing it. That is annoying when you know that you would double check that it was ok if you were heading off to do anything. I now don't double check - if I am planning something a few weeks in advance then I go ahead and book it in and so be it. It's rare that he doesn't just accept that then .

Could your kids get involved in his hobby at all? recently, we have begun to have an hour or so - as I mentioned earlier - where he will do football with them and I go off and do my thing. Sometimes my DS will not want to do football or OH thinks he won't pay attention so me and DS spend time together but that's actually quite nice - one on one with him.

However, every family, child, parent is different and it may be making you too miserable to have to get on with things in this way in the hope that when they are older, things will be easier.
If you feel you are not enjoying their childhood under this shadow, there may be big decisions to be made. It is not unreasonable to ask a father to spend time with his children and, as has been mentioned, if there was a divorce, he'd most likely have them for full days at a time all on his ownio so perhaps joining in with family time will be worth it after all.....

I hope you are happy with him as a spouse, companion etc. overall (despite times when this sort of stuff makes you resentful!).

Thanks for coming back Magnifimad and duck it does help to have a sounding board. Your post Duck made me think that if DH cares about me he has a funny way of showing it ....everything on his terms.

Mm it sounds like your model was what we were doing previously, when we only had one child we each had time for socialising I went out for drinks once a week with friends and he went to the pub or did sport. Weekend day time were divided between us with little time together and ideas for family time such as outings were generally met with sulking as he perceived it to be a waste of time. We did have nice couple time in the evening and the odd meal out. At the moment my resentment at his behaviour and lack of interest in his job means that we do not really talk much. I am fed up of listening to him moaning.
At the moment he could not involve the boys in his hobby as he wants to do it competitively not for participation. I think you have hit the nail on the head when you talked about a shadow over the boys' childhood.

This evening has gone badly. Dh came back early ish to help with bedtime. He tried to kiss me at the door but I kissed his cheek instead. The house smelled of curry rotten rubbish and there were dead flowers. He has been home 3 nights without me. I had not noticed that he had spent a few hours tidying the garden as a peace offering. He also was very affectionate to ds2 which is not usual and seemed to be him making an effort. I made myself a separate dinner put what i wanted on TV. He asked me if I wanted to shout at him and I replied what's the point? I said it all at Christmas. .. I later said that in future he need not visit my family with me and he replied ok. He then offered to make himself scarce, went to the pub and said he would sleep on the sofa. I said not necessary as I would sleep in the baby's room. I heard him laughing on the phone to mates.
So we are at stalemate. I am truly pissed off and not in the mood to accept a temporary peace offering of gardening and feigned interest in the baby with no apology. I also realise I had fucked up by planning a weekend away with girlfriends and my family on his birthday and written it on the calendar. He saw it and was upset. What is worrying is that the date had not even registered with me as his birthday.

It really does sound bad olympics. Not remembering your birthday, wanting praise for a bit of basic gardening when the house was a mess!

I don't think it's fair to you or the DC for him to opt out at weekends and of all extended family stuff. To pursue his own interests! What's the point of a partner like that? Who is a shadow in your DCs' childhood? Even if you do still love him there are othet essentials in a relationship, like mutual respect and sharing adult responsibilities for the home, being a good parent, that seem to have been missing from him for a long time.

Would you consider counselling (alone) to help you work through your options?

Maybe counselling is the solution or perhaps a trial separation l. He slept on the sofa last night. It was me that forgot his birthday when I was planning a weekend away in a few months time. He makes a big fuss of my birthday usually. This year was crap. I said I didn't need a present. He did not buy one. We were going out for a meal but I was ill and he sulked because it was a crap weekend. I don't feel like celebrating anything at the moment. We are supposed to be having a christening for ds2 in 8 weeks time I have not confirmed it as it would be hypocritical to play happy families together and he would be such an arse with my family. He even said that we should not worry if our siblings could not make it... just grandparents and godparents. My brother would need to stay the night before to attend and I don't see why I should not be able to give my family hospitality. I think forget a christening at the moment.....

OP, your dh sounds an almost exact copy of my best friend's husband. They were fine pre kids although I later learned he stopped wanting sex as soon as they got married. Some sort of Madonna/ whore thing.

Then two DC came along ( again reluctantly for him), he was very into the first and much less the second but not at all a hands on dad. Baby no two was difficult, had reflux etc and dh just carried on his usual hobbies leaving her and the DC alone a lot. Interestingly, it's his own family he can't be bothered with and has been openly rude to when they visit.

Much later dc2 had lots of problems and was diagnosed with Aspergers. This led to a lot of discussion between us and suddenly it seemed pretty obvious that her dh was exactly the same but had a lot of strategies for dealing with life. However, he point blank refused to go to so many social occasions and insisted on carrying on with his time consuming hobbies come what may.

Now, here's the good news...he has vastly improved. As the DC grew older he became a much better father to them albeit somewhat on his own terms. He has very much encouraged his ds to follow the same interests. They now have a far better family life ( partly because he works away a lot) and although my bf does do the lions share of all household stuff he is much better. He also used to be really quite mean. He still likes value for money but is way better.

I'm not sure if any of this even helps you. It's just that out of any person I know he has changed the most. He even goes to social occasions and enjoys them. I do think my friend was very close to leaving at times but she's glad she stayed.

You don't say much about the lack of sex, clearly right now it's not on your agenda but does it bother you and do you know why?

Stop trying to diagnose or fix him. What I find perplexing is that despite all evidence to the contrary, you still expect him to be a different person. This is who he is and you, the children and family life hasn't changed him. It sounds like both of you stay in an unhappy relationship because you're scared, better the devil you know and all that.

Is this the relationship model you really want your children to follow? Right now you're complicit in making it easier for him to check out of being a parent. Time and experience has exposed your incompatabilities as major, rather than minor and maintaining the status quo won't change that.

Matilda. He is not particularly bothered about spending time with his own family either although he lives his parents and will go out of his way to stop them being upset about anything. We haven't had sex much in the last 5 years. No sex at all during either pregnancy or while I am breastfeeding. I suggested that we restart to regain intimacy when we felt very apart at the end of last year. He is a fit guy but is small build and muscle is all lower body. Upper body very skinny now and he refuses to shave at weekends is fairly scruffy always frowns. I am not really attracted to him at the moment. I am a bit out of shape post baby and a size 16. He was always quite anti fat being such a fitness fan and premarriage we argued about his attempts to change me into someone more into fitness. His mother is a size 6 who does daily yoga by comparison. I was size 14 to 16 when we met so not that different . Writing all this I wish I had not married him

ISatan yes I think we are both scared. I really don't want to go through the shit of a divorce and I worry about the impact on DS1 .

I am going to ask him tonight what he wants for himself and listen. Best case scenario for a future together is that he is a happier person who wants to spend more time with his family but he says his happiness and self esteem is linked to sport as his career is faltering.
He definitely will not change his attitude towards my family and he resents my job with out of hours shifts and tough demands on my time and energy. Ideally I would have spent 12 months overseas but dh refused to come with me. Pre second pregnancy I was quite angry about this. Essentially I have always had to balance my career and marriage and not succeeded be a use of this.

If anyone is still there the chat went well dh wants to work things out and change. Work a bit of work as there is hope. Thanks all.

Wow! Well that wasn't an update I was expecting! I hope it goes well... because it sounds pretty painful so far.

btw you didn't reply to my suggestion you go to counselling together. What do you think of that idea? If you had a bad back would you go to the back doctor - a bad marriage is no different.

Thanks Springy. I did reply upstream. DH has agreed to go and have some concealing and I am having it too individually. That is a good start I think and maybe couples councellist afterwards.