Want to split but partner will go nuts

[Monkeybrain10]

I've been in a relationship for 6 years and we have a toddler. He is a good dad but I don't want to be with him. He has a foul temper, victim mentality, depression (mild) and weed smoking which makes me miserable. I have tried to split with him repeatedly but he goes nuts and I get scared. By nuts I mean scary shouty, smashing up inanimate objects and he even once tried to take the baby off my back when it was in a baby carrier . He usually then drives off and phones 25 000 times to shout at me. I can be a total bitch but sadly that is because I want him to leave.
He is a good guy with a few issues. He is a really good dad but he's not a good match for me. I am financially independent and he is in debt - i think this makes him more insecure but also means he would have nowhere to go. I feel like maybe that's the only reason he's with me.
It seems so ridiculous as I am what most people would consider a confident bright and self sufficient person but basically I may have it on my head if he does something stupid to himself (or me or someone else) if I split up with him.
So what do I do? Do I change the locks one day and get people to stay with me til he calms down? Any suggestions ?!

I take it you have a home independent of him and he shares it?

I think your plan is good to change the locks and have company.

I think you need to take a step before and maybe in a joint counselling session tell him it's over and why. You have to maintain co-parenting so try to not just kick him out.

Please ask for this to be moved to relationships. You will get advice there from others who have been through similar.

Your partner is abusive and I suggest you:

• Call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 (if you do just one thing please make it this!)
• Read the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft
• Get support from family and/or friends

Doing those things will help you to leave him and STAY SAFE while doing so.

PS He is not a "good guy" or a "good dad" in any way, shape or form. Good guys and dads don't have foul tempers, snatch their baby away from its mother (!) and terrify her by smashing things (that's domestic violence) and verbal abuse.

No, it would not be on your head if something bad happened to him. He is an adult. It is on his head and his alone.

Yes, change the locks.

Yes, have people round while you tell him, ideally the police.

Wait for him to calm down? No. That might never happen.

Call the police if he smashes anything. Call the police if he sends 25000 texts. Call the police if he tries to rip the baby from you again. Call the police and ambulance if he says he is going to kill himself.

Afraid he will hurt you? Call the police before you kick him out, speak to a dv officer, tell them about the weed, the smashing, the baby pulling, your fears. They will take you seriously.

From your description, I think you have very very low standard for what makes a good dad. I'd be going for supervised contact in a contact centre if I were you. No way would I allow unsupervised contact with a violent, broke, paranoid, weed taker who tried to rip his baby from you in a rage. Nor would I be going to joint counselling.

We went to counselling for months on end - a total waste of time. Even the counsellor looked exasperated by the whole relationship. I feel stupid for staying with him and getting pregnant, although the baby is the best thing that has ever happened to me (and I have had some pretty cool stuff happen in life so that's not me being all sad!) We live together with a shared mortgage although I own the majority share of the house.

I have no idea how to ask to move this to the relationships section btw (I searched for "relationships" in Talk over and over but couldn't see it - probably cause I'm stressed at even writing this!)

I do dispute what you guys are saying about him - he is a great dad - he mucks in and helps (I know plenty of hands off dads and are pretty shit with their children - he is good), and quite honestly being a dad has done him the world of good in terms of his outlook. But obviously because you are just hearing my moany part of the relationship problems it all sounds terrible, when the day to day is ok-but I feel as if we simply coexist rather than have a decent loving relationship.

If I was advising a friend I would have said "get out get out get out" - but the cycle goes like this: I tell him I want to split, he goes nuts and gets angry (he may or may not break things), I get scared, he leaves (or I do), he sends constant texts makes constant phonecalls, I switch off phone, we have time out, things calm down, we talk it through, he persuades me things will change blah blah and I am usually so tired that I just go with the calm after the storm as I can't face any more arguing.

What can I do - it's part his house? He seriously has no where to go and no money (except to spend on weed of course!)

Get legal advice about the house. You could ask Women's Aid whether you'd be entitled to legal aid (not sure you would be it's worth asking) and/or call the free Rights of Women family law helpline. You could also ask CAB for a list of local solicitors.

No amount of "mucking in" (otherwise known as parenting) compensates for the fact that he is abusive towards the mother of his child. He may not be abusive all the time but the acceptable level of abuse is none.

but it's worth asking

You need to be absolutely adamant you want it to end and I think you need a plan. I don't think it's good advice to just change the locks suddenly one day. Get legal advice before you do because it's his home too.

If you change the locks or kick him out with no notice and he literally has nowhere to go, It will kick off the anger and you might not be safe. Leaving is a dangerous time.

Women's Aid can help you plan or do you have a good friend or family member you can confide in who can support you?

Is there a reasonable side to him at all? If so can you firmly but calmly tell him the relationship is over and plan what to do together?

Is there any way you can move out? I know you have a child but I am still in the family home 3 years after ex left, I'm divorced but I still can't move on because we joint own the home. Looking back I wish I had left myself. Beware: get legal advice before you do as you do lose rights. Could you buy him out of the house to get him off the mortgage?

Just thinking aloud really. It sounds like you really need to end it.

Just because he's not as bad as someone else's partner doesn't make him a good dad. If he were good, he would be sharing the responsibility of raising your child, providing a secure home life and supporting you. It sounds as if he's letting you do all the hard work while looking after him too.

Since you are supporting your child and taking parental responsibility, he should leave and find somewhere else to live. That will be his problem, not yours. This is a situation he has created. Tell him so and make sure this time you have either the police or strong backup with you.

Thanks everyone - I know this probably sounds a bit lame but I can be a total bitch - and the reason for that is because I am bright and independent. So I guess what I'm saying is that whilst I read about what is abuse in terms of men abusing women, I think to myself well, yes, but I do it too - I do belittle him, I do tell him how shit he is etc etc. I think this is reactive and because I get so frustrated with his "poor me" mentality, but obviously it escalates the problem and means that I am actually mentally abusive towards him too (takes two to tango and all that)

Life is never simple eh. I know people's facebook profiles are all "hey look how great my life is" between the washing up and the cleaning the toilet, but when I see people talking about getting married or their anniversaries (best day of my life etc) I think, that ain't never happening to me :-( Do people really get all gooey and find their soul mate or is it just a myth?

'Do people really get all gooey and find their soul mate or is it just a myth?'

It's not a myth, but many of us that have found a loving partner who is our soul mate had to work through a lot of dross before we found each other.
Being intelligent, rich, beautiful and the rest is no protection against falling into an abusive relationship and getting trapped. So yes, you need to be apart based on what you have said here.

"Do people really get all gooey and find their soul mate or is it just a myth?"
The short answer is yes. The long answer is on this thread:
Right, listen up everybody

You were very young when you met him and got together, OP. That's not necessarily a bad thing in itself, but you don't have any other relationships to compare it to, and given that he is abusive, it puts you in a very vulnerable position.

It sounds like you are unsure about whether he's actually abusive, or whether you're "as bad as" him. I think it's very unlikely that you are, btw. Being "bright and independent" is a good thing, not a bad thing! But of course an abusive man won't like it because it means you stand up to him.

Here are some links which should help you decide whether he is abusive and identify the abuse:
Signs of emotional abuse
Am I in an abusive relationship?
The Abuser Profiles

Hello OP, I have reported your thread so MNHQ will move to relationships.
There are lots on that board who will help you.

I would also see a solicitor about the house and to plan the end of the relationship. Do you have enough money to buy him out of the house?

I've "reported" your part to mn with the comment that you might want this thread to be moved to relationships. So mn will move it if you want. Relationships it's under body and soul in the talk list. If you want to ask mn to move thread yourself, just click on the report this post button and ask for it to be moved in the comments. There's lots you v will found you can identify with there I think.

You seem very focussed on whose fault it is - who is to blame.

It doesn't matter does it? Your relationship isn't working, you must see that?

See a solicitor, many will give 30 mins free advice. They will be able to advise you on the best way of getting him out of the house. With regards to the abusive behaviour, yes, you have to report it to the police.

He sounds quite dangerous to me - I don't think you see that clearly. If he thinks you really mean it and there is no going back, he may escalate his behaviour. Is there somewhere safe you can go?

Great dads don't do drugs.

Thanks all - appreciate the advice. Yes I agree that great dad's don't do drugs - he did a good job of hiding his daily smoking habit from me til we were in a serious relationship and tells me literally every week that he's giving up - haha! (but quite frankly he is much nicer when he is stoned - now there's a dilemma in itself!)
Yes - I know that this is a sh*t relationship and I don't want to be in it, and I feel embarrassed about how hard it is to extract myself from it. (this is my life lesson I guess). I am not young and have ditched plenty of losers to the kerb prior to this one. I think I probably panicked about my age, hence getting into the realms of having a child with him. Not a great excuse, but no regrets there - my baby is wonderful (isn't everyone's!!)
I've spoken to Women's Aid today - they were lovely and really helpful - so thanks for that tip.
If he understood the idea that it takes two people wanting to be in a relationship to have a happy one we wouldn't be in this situation. I have said exactly that to him numerous times over the years but he seems to think that I am all he has got so he is going to fight to keep it, even though I have told him I don't want it. That is really sad I think, and makes me feel like a terrible person for not wanting him.
Right - off to get on with work, life etc.
Many thanks again, and I will try to put the plan of action into action.

Separate properly. Do NOT change the locks on a property that is half his. That is a sure fire way to yoad him into justifyably going apeshit!

You don't owe him a relationship. A man who doesn't respect your right to end a relationship and bullies you into staying is not a good man, he is an abuser.
He screams and smashes things in front of the baby? He's not a good dad either.
I made the decision to have a baby with a man who with hindsight was a poor choice. It's done now and I don't regret it but I'm trying to say I Understand. You'll have to deal with him the best you can but you shouldn't stay with him.

It may just be your wording, but he's not a great Dad because he 'mucks in and helps'. A great friend mucks in and helps. A parent isn't 'helping' with their child's care, they are jointly responsible for it. My DP doesn't get any special appreciation for getting up at night or changing nappies, just as I don't. Don't go giving him gold stars for his parenting unless he's going above and beyond what you do!

"You were very young when you met him and got together, OP. That's not necessarily a bad thing in itself, but you don't have any other relationships to compare it to, and given that he is abusive, it puts you in a very vulnerable position."

Sorry OP, I must have got confused with another thread - please ignore that bit!

Anyway glad you spoke to Women's Aid and have a plan of action. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Thank you all!