Depressed husband- he wants kids, good idea?

[Butterscotch1989]

Hello everyone, I am new on here, and was hoping to get some advice.

So, I am a 26 year old, who has been married to my husband for 5 years, he is 32. He suffers from Chronic Fatigue, and also expreiences bouts of anxiety/depression. He is currently in a low bout just now, after getting a very bad flu type illness. The depression reached its peak last night, when he couldn't sleep, and said this morning he was feeling suicidal through the night.

He went to the doctor today, who said it was the flu making him feel so ill, and when the flu was gone, he would feel better. However, he is now severly depressed, and experiencing anxiety, etc. His Mum has taken him back to her house for a change of scenery, and to help him. He seems unable to shake the depression/anxiety when he is at home with me.

Anyway, before he got ill this time, we had previously discussed perhaps trying for children later this year. He seems to think this will give him something else to focus on, and will give him a routine each day, which he needs.

However, my argument is that I don't want our children to see their Dad being unwell, and speaking of suicide, having to move out to his Mum's/or hospital to get better. I feel like I don't want children to experience that world, but I don't know if I am being selfish. I can envisage, worst case scenario, my Husband being ill, off work, and I'm left to look after Baby and him. Or, he would move out for a while, and I look after Baby on my own.

I feel like I can't/don't want to risk making him worse by having children, and would rather it just be the two of us, so we can deal with his illness without children complicating things.

My question is, am I being selfish by not wanting children, or should I consider having children if he thinks it would help?

Please help, apologies for the long-winded story.

Many thanks.

[NameChange30]

What contraception do you use, OP? (If you don't mind me asking.)

He wants a child, and he is very used to getting his own way. So a contraceptive failure would suit him nicely. Be careful.

[Frika]

It sounds dangerously close to his illness being used to hold you hostage to what he wants, while you step around on eggshells and he calls the shots, isolates you and makes unilateral decisions about your lives, according to whether he's up or down. Be careful that his condition is not an excuse for you to hide from yourself the reality of how dominating he is -- the 'oh, it's not his fault, it's his depression/ CFS speaking, and I must be nice always, because he's ill and/or suicidal' approach) - and I say that as someone who suffered badly from crippling depression. It would have done me absolutely no good to have my wishes be considered sacrosanct.

I don't like the dynamic that seems to exist between you, where you're the stoical, taken-for-granted nurse figure, and his mother is also at his beck and call, and he's a domineering character who gets his own way a lot and has carte blanche to retreat from life when he sees fit. For instance, would you have told him he needed to make alternative transport arrangements if you weren't afraid he would retreat to his mother and be suicidal again?

[BombadierFritz]

His problem quite possibly is that he uses depression/cfs as an excuse to control those closest to him. He does not sound at all like anyone i know with cfs or depression and he doesnt sound very nice.

[cestlavielife]

Everything seems to revolve around him. You miss out on holidays /using the car / etc.
A baby will demand attention and he won't like that....
If you have a baby with him you will be left holding the baby. That is the only certainty.
Go you alone initially to talk to someone in real life. Maybe someone who knows about depression eg thru MIND or Rethink. Unpick what is depression / cfs and what is being controlling and demanding for the sake of it.

[NameChange30]

4 Ways to Find Out If Your Partner Is Using Their Depression as an Excuse for Controlling Behavior

[NameChange30]

(Hint: I think he is!)

[SolidGoldBrass]

Thought so. Illness, my arse - this is a selfish bellend who wants his own way in everything and will scream until he's sick if he doesn't get it.

I bet he doesn't weep and collapse at work, or in the gym - he just gets all 'poorly' every time he thinks you're not paying him enough attention.

Don't just not get pregnant OP - get rid of this man.

[NameChange30]

SGB think it's a bit soon for that, let's be gentle on the OP.

[NameChange30]

(I mean I agree, but I worry that it's too soon to push it.)

[crazycatdad]

Ok, I have to agree, from your last Doesn't this does sound like he's taking the piss now.

Getting his own way all the time + not in a hurry to get any proper treatment. Doesn't sound good.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You don't have to sit down and have a big chat about your needs being important. You simply start behaving as if they are important. You don't need his permission to do that you know.

You go out with friends. You make more friends. You book a mini break for you and a friend (as a runner, somewhere for a weekend race with your running buddies is a good one). If he says he needs you to work late for car share, and you don't want to, you get a lift or a taxi or he does.

If he scuppers your plans for anything nice by having an episode, do your thing anyway. He can call a professional or his mum. He'll manage for a night or a weekend.

Start making a mental note of all the times he gets his own way, however tiny the thing is, and you start being stubborn yourself to make sure you get your way an equal amount of the time. It is about behaving as an equal.

If his health takes a bad turn whenever you get your own way regularly or whenever you get your own needs met apart from him then that's a worry.

Whether it is deliberate or not, an attitute of "I will kill myself if butterscotch doesn't obey my every whim, and it will be on her head", surely isn't how you want to live and isn't healthy for either of you.

Has something good been happening to you lately? A promotion? New friends? Confident independent outlook? Do you think he might be punishing you by cancelling the holiday you were looking forward to, forcing you to work late on the last day of term, running off to his mum's for week and telling you she can make him happy in just one day but you can't.

Will you end up spending all this week off work proving you can make him feel happy and loved? Being so so happy that he has chosen to come home. Of course you can't mention him cancelling your holiday but going to work anyway, can you? Have you spent all week thinking about him, his needs, what you can do to help him, how you can be even better than his mum?

What if you said this last week has been terribly draining, you need a break, and you are going away on holiday on your own somewhere for a few days. Book it before you tell him. And go within a very short time of telling him, like a day or two.

Ask youself does the idea of doing that scare you? Or seem impossible? Or just laughable "ha ha, I'd love to do that bu,t seriously, I couldn't"? Maybe no way would he 'let' me do that?

[crazycatdad]

Last message*

[CockacidalManiac]

I'm a man with a history of serious recurrent depression, my opinion is that he's using it as a tool to get you to do what he wants. That pisses me off, he doesn't want to change things because this suits him just fine.

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

People who have suffered/are suffering from CFS/depression, how do you think I should approach the subject of ' there are two people in this relationship, my needs should be met some of the time?'

I think it's definitely a conversation that you need to have. CFS is a very isolating illness. For the sufferer, but also for the carer. I would hope that your partner is able to recognise that. Living with someone with CFS is always going to involve compromise and be more focused around the sufferers needs, I think that is inevitable, but there should still be some balance.

I very much encourage and support my partner to have a big network of friends around her. She has hobbies that take her out of the house regularly. She goes on holidays with people other than me. These are all things that I am happy with because although I accept that my life has to be limited I can't bear the guilt of feeling that hers is by association. Can you imagine your partner doing any of these things?

Perhaps raise this with your partner as soon as he is recovering (as it sounds like he is). He should be supportive of you and if he isn't I don't think that's anything to do with the illness.

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Also here is a link from the excellent Action For M.E. charity which has a little bit of information for carers on which also stresses the need for you to have time away and to have your needs recognised as being of equal importance.

www.actionforme.org.uk/living-with-me/carers/looking-after-yourself/

[Littletabbyocelot]

I know the thread has moved on, but I just wanted to say your 5th paragraph describes my childhood. Don't do it.

My dad's depression was absolutely genuine. BUT it was also a tool in his emotional, financial (and potentially other) abuse of my mother. When I was born, his needs meant she went back to work and he was a stay at home dad. They also meant that all housework was hers & I was handed over the second she walked through the door.

When she had emotional needs (fear after being diagnosed with advanced cancer) they were trumped by his suicidal thoughts. He could spend 1000s on hobbies while she chose between heating or food because he controlled the finances. As it got worse she could never go out because he wasn't safe to be left with us but no one would babysit because our dad was home.

All this got worse with kids. His happiness was no longer priority one. My dad also ran home to mummy.

Now treated for depression my dad would never behave this way. But that doesn't change the impact a decade of abuse had on my mum. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Sorry, pressed 'Post' a bit too soon. Was just going to say about maybe printing that info. out and using it as a conversation starter. The power of an official looking leaflet is strong!

[cestlavielife]

AnotherEmma that is a good link. my exp had diagnosis of adjustment disorder/depression/anxiety...but he oh so subtly controlled everything and manipulated. like the op's h.

i missed out on things/was late etc due to his neediness and control.

op, change your behavior as was suggested.
stop pandering to him.
he has his mum to run to, so let him do that.
start sticking up for yourself. his "illness" wont go away so find a way to live for yourself, his illness is not your fault and you can set boundaries; he cant expect you to drop everything for him when it s a chronic illness with no end in sight.

if you have a baby with him you will be doing everything yourself except when he decides he can cope.