Depressed husband- he wants kids, good idea?

[Butterscotch1989]

Hello everyone, I am new on here, and was hoping to get some advice.

So, I am a 26 year old, who has been married to my husband for 5 years, he is 32. He suffers from Chronic Fatigue, and also expreiences bouts of anxiety/depression. He is currently in a low bout just now, after getting a very bad flu type illness. The depression reached its peak last night, when he couldn't sleep, and said this morning he was feeling suicidal through the night.

He went to the doctor today, who said it was the flu making him feel so ill, and when the flu was gone, he would feel better. However, he is now severly depressed, and experiencing anxiety, etc. His Mum has taken him back to her house for a change of scenery, and to help him. He seems unable to shake the depression/anxiety when he is at home with me.

Anyway, before he got ill this time, we had previously discussed perhaps trying for children later this year. He seems to think this will give him something else to focus on, and will give him a routine each day, which he needs.

However, my argument is that I don't want our children to see their Dad being unwell, and speaking of suicide, having to move out to his Mum's/or hospital to get better. I feel like I don't want children to experience that world, but I don't know if I am being selfish. I can envisage, worst case scenario, my Husband being ill, off work, and I'm left to look after Baby and him. Or, he would move out for a while, and I look after Baby on my own.

I feel like I can't/don't want to risk making him worse by having children, and would rather it just be the two of us, so we can deal with his illness without children complicating things.

My question is, am I being selfish by not wanting children, or should I consider having children if he thinks it would help?

Please help, apologies for the long-winded story.

Many thanks.

[ItsALuigi]

Sounds like you are probably better off holding off until he is treated properly and in a good place.

Reason I say that is my dh has had depression from teenage hood and is still bein treated for it via anti depressants at 26.

We have two children under 3 at the moment, he was in a good place and had been for a while. Having children made his depression worse and then some. Children are such hard work and you cant escape and rarely get alone time which he craved. Luckily he seems ok again now but before having children I would advise he at least is in a fairly good place and able to manage well beforehand.

[Butterscotch1989]

Thank you for your new messages.

I think because I am feeling a little 'down' about the situation and thinking about having/not having children has made me put a maybe negative spin on things.

Generally I am very happy with my Husband. When things are good, they are very very good, but when they are bad they're horrid, like the nursery rhyme!


I have just spoken to him on the phone and he seems a little brighter, which I am delighted about........however, at the same time, I'm thinking ' What has your Mum done that suddenly in 1 day makes you feel so much better, that days/weeks with me hasnt?' So in that respect, I feel I have no option but to feel like I am doing something wrong, and failing him in some way.

I asked him what the difference was with his Mum compared with me, and he said he was able to 'Chill' at his Mums, and I said he had a week of 'chilling' at out home last week, and he said he wasn't feeling depressed at all last week, just ill with the flu. The depression only came on the weekend. He couldn't last 1 day at home with me when he was depressed, instantly wanted back to Mum. I realise as I am writing, what this sounds like, but this is the reality of the situation.

Thank you for your suggestions of activities for the weekend, I think these would be a good idea. I will suggest them to him tomorrow.

His job is about 50% physical and 50% desk work, and he seems to like the work, as it keeps his brain active (his words.) He likes the gym as it releases stress and makes him feel good at the time, although yes, tired the next couple of days.

Perhaps over the next few months, my husband could try your suggestion of less working hours, to help him recover from this episode. I will mention this to him, and see what he thinks. I definately think less hours per day would be better, rather than taking 1 day off a week, because then we get the problem of the routine disrupted, like the weekend.

All your suggestions are most welcome, and appreciated, thank you.

It is nice to have someone to talk to, to feel like someone is listening to me for a change, instead of always having to be the one who does the listening. Many thanks again.

[VertigoNun]

I hope the reduced hours work.

Does his mum make him drinks and can he let personal hygiene relax at her house? Just looking for reasons why he feels more relaxed there?

[VertigoNun]

Ti explain further have you read spoon theory? If he can have a few days off shaving and keep his pj's on till noon it may mean he can relax where as with you he feels he needs to be sexy.

[Butterscotch1989]

His Mum will do everything for him, made meals/drinks, drive him places.......but then I did when he wasn't well with the flu last week, so no difference there.
I wouldn't think the personal hygiene would be any different, still the same both places, I think.
I am sure I am being over-sensitive, and it is simply the company and familiarity of home/Mum for him that makes him feel better. I just feel it is about time after 5 years of marriage that I become the person he turns to when he is depressed, as I will be the one here for him in years to come.

Thanks again for the messages.

[Butterscotch1989]

I had not heard of this before, what a great way to explain it! I wonder if he feels like he has to look ncic for me, he usually goes about in his pj's when he is unwell, and has at times not shaved for a whole week if he is offshore working, and I have seen him like this when he comes back home. I will try to probe deeper into why he feels more relaxed at his Mums.

[NameChange30]

"It is nice to have someone to talk to, to feel like someone is listening to me for a change, instead of always having to be the one who does the listening."

Oh love, I felt really sad when I read that You come across as such a kind, loving, supportive person. You deserve to be listened to and supported as well. It sounds like you and your husband are both completely focused on his needs. That's not an equal or healthy relationship. Even if he is ill, he's clearly not always ill (he works full time, goes to the gym, and his mood and energy levels are sometimes good) so he should be able to devote some of his energy to you. At the very least he should be listening to and be interested in your wants and needs.

I think it's very worrying that this is all about him, and that he seems to be happier at his mum's house than with you. I don't think you're being sensitive to worry about that, and I think you should trust your instinct. IMO it's a big issue and it would be a good idea to discuss it.

I wonder if couple's counselling might help you both to redress the balance and make the relationship more equal so that both your needs are being met. Do you think it might help? Do you think he would go?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Have you discussed this with your RL friends?

I ask because you haven't mentioned what anyone close to you thinks. You haven't talked about what you do when he is too tired to do anything. You haven't talked about how you cope with your work, your gym and your social life when he is down.

I wonder if your life is all about helping him live his life.

My DH suffers from anxiety. He went to a lot of trouble to learn how to manage himself before we had DC. Btw, he doesn't expect me to treat him. I don't hold myself responsible for managing his treatment either. He goes to professionals for that. He can work out for himself if a change in working hours is what he needs (and can ask me what I think). Your DH should be turning to his psychiatrist or psychologist or other therapist for treatment when he has depression not you and his mum, although TLC is usually helpful to support his work with them.

[Creampastry]

If he can't look after himself how could you have kids! Don't get pregnant- huge mistake. I would be offended that as a married couple only his mum can make him better - weird!

[Iflyaway]

You don't bring children into this world because you need them to "fix" something in your life.

You bring them into the world because you feel you can give this human being the best life you can offer them.

Once a baby comes into your life, your needs and wants go onto the back burner for 18 odd years

[Creampastry]

Him going to his mums is not your fault, I think he needs to grow up and stop being a mummy's boy. Can you imagine having a crying baby - he will go off to his mums for a break leaving you to be effectively a single mum.

[crazycatdad]

I think you are all reading way too much into him staying with his mum. I also feel like a lot of you don't actually understand clinical depression at all.

OP, I would like to give you some thoughts from my own experience but don't have time to compose them right now. I will post back later. I will say now that I would try not to take his leaving personally, it's probably not about you or anything you did or didn't do.

[Monkeybrain10]

Tell your husband that you think it's best to wait until he has found a successful treatment/coping mechanism before you have children. I have a partner with what I'd say is mild (untreated) depression (he has historically suffered). Most of the time he is a great dad but the constant sleep deprivation of having a baby plus the fact that all your attention will be fully on the baby and not him has the potential to make things worse, and when you're at your wits end and he is not there to help because he's on a downer - it will make you resent him. It is also fair enough to say you don't want to bring a child into the world when it's father is suicidal. That is not selfish of you - it is sensible. Maybe you can use it to push him into seeking treatment, whether that's anti depressants or more alternative therapies like hypnotherapy and CBT for the anxiety. Good luck - you sound like a lovely person who will make a fantastic mum one day.

[Frika]

I think you are all reading way too much into him staying with his mum. I also feel like a lot of you don't actually understand clinical depression at all.

On the contrary, I've suffered badly from clinical depression. Retreating to my mother's has never been an option, and nor has allowing my husband to dedicate his entire life to my happiness and castigate himself for my illness being somehow his fault . In fact, my depression occurred after I had a baby, but with a husband working long days a long commute away with no possibility of taking leave and all family in another country, I largely had to manage it myself via GP, medication and a counsellor. A baby can't make allowances, even if you can barely drag yourself out of bed or are too exhausted to cross the hall and clean your teeth.

OP, I do worry about your obvious isolation and the fact that nothing in your life at the moment sounds as if it's about you. Yes, depression is a crushingly awful illness, but I think you need to start prioritizing yourself, your own MH and happiness, especially in terms of establishing a support system and enjoyable elements in your life which are purely for you.

[NameChange30]

I agree Frika. Who is crazycatdad to say that we don't understand depression? I think it's a common accusation here on MN, and it can be a lazy way of shutting down people you disagree with.

[crazycatdad]

AnotherEmma, I was talking more about the rather blunt comments about him needing to grow up and such.

Having said that, you suggested couples counseling which I feel is a terrible idea for someone suffering from depression. This would not be the right time to be trying to improve their relationship, because their relationship is not the problem here. The problem is that he is ill. Their relationship may need some work as well but even if it does, he is not going to have the capacity to deal with that right now. Couples counseling suggests that he is at fault for not putting much into the relationship just now and will give him something else to feel like he is failing at, when he is actually guilty of nothing more than struggling with mental illness.

OP said that his mother is there with him during the day. That alone is reason enough for him to be there. It's a bad idea for a depressed person to be at home alone all day. I can completely understand why the company helps him.

OP, there is no doubt it sucks for the partner who is landed with the burden of dealing with everything. There are support groups for partners of people with mental health problems and I would recommend you look for one locally or contact an online group. There will many people going through the same thing and doubting or blaming themselves in some way. It really isn't your fault, but it isn't his fault either. If he feels more able to recuperate at his mother's, that is nobody's fault. He is simply doing what helps him recover.

On that note it would definitely be better if he got proper treatment sooner rather than later. You said he isn't keen to go back on antidepressants and would rather get better naturally, but there is really no such thing as getting better 'naturally' from clinical depression, at least not in the long term. It's misleading that it is classed as a mental illness really; more accurately, it has symptoms which manifest mentally, but the majority of the time it has a physical cause, usually an imbalance in brain chemistry. So it's not just a case of 'getting your head straightened out', there's that physical problem which doesn't go away on its own. I would encourage him to give the pills another go, but closely monitored by the GP or mental health nurse. Antidepressants are tricky, one drug will be great for one person and useless for the next. It can take some months to find what drug and dosage is right for him.

And at the same time getting talking therapy from whatever mental health service is available in your area.

I hope that helps, again I know this is all sounding like it's about him, and obviously I don't know him or you so can't judge whether or not he is taking the piss, but if he is genuinely ill he's just not going to be there for you just now. Do seek out support for families of people with MH problems. Be kind to yourself while he is kind to himself and try not to blame yourself, or anyone else.

[NameChange30]

crazycatdad

"AnotherEmma, I was talking more about the rather blunt comments about him needing to grow up and such."
Actually there were very few comments along those lines - most responses were very measured. So IMO your comment that "a lot of you" don't understand depression was unfounded. Also, it is possible to understand depression but also to think that if someone wants a child they need to take responsibility - which includes getting professional treatment for their illness. How can he be a good father if he still regularly reverts to the role of child at his mother's house?

"Having said that, you suggested couples counseling which I feel is a terrible idea for someone suffering from depression. This would not be the right time to be trying to improve their relationship, because their relationship is not the problem here. The problem is that he is ill. Their relationship may need some work as well but even if it does, he is not going to have the capacity to deal with that right now."
I think you're making some assumptions that are not necessarily true. Firstly that his depression is severe and he is unable to engage with counselling - but from what the OP has said, I doubt his depression would be diagnosed as severe on the clinical scale. Secondly, you assume that his ill health is the only problem here, or at least a bigger problem than the imbalance in the relationship. I disagree. And I think that couple's counselling may well help them to do both - address his mental health and their relationship.

Having said all that, I don't think it's for me or you to say whether couple's counselling is definitely the right or wrong thing to do. It was a suggestion for the OP to consider, and she will know whether it's a good option for them at this time.

[Soopermum1]

My husband became depressed when I was pregnant with our second child. We had some building work done and that, with some work problems just set it off. We'd been married for 14 years before this. He'd always been a glass half empty kinda guy but this was different. The lack of sleep compounded everything. He was off sick for 6 months while I was on maternity leave but could do very little in practical terms to help. This continued when we both went back to work and I have ended up on anti depressants myself to give me the strength to be, at times, the only decent parent. The baby is now 2 and a half but didn't sleep through the night until a couple of months ago. With strong medication and therapy he is slowly getting better but I feel enormous resentment and I and my older child have definitely suffered

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

It's not about not understanding depression, and completely about understanding parenthood.

If you're still in a place with your depression, or any illness, where you need to physically run away for long periods of time, and have someone else do everything for you, you're probably not going to be able to cope with the demands of parenting. Obviously it's a different situation if depression happens after having a baby. And it is healthy to have time 'off' from life. But if that time 'off' still needs to be a week with mum doing everything for you, rather than a haircut, or sitting in a coffee shop, or even going away for the day, then it's not an ideal time to deliberately throw yourself into parenting.

OP I agree with a poster above about you sounding sad and isolated OP. Do you have much support yourself?

[Butterscotch1989]

Thank you again for your continued messages.
I have been asked about my friends and my support, and to be honest, this is my outlet right now. I have a close friend at work who I have been talking to a little about, but she is going through things just now, and I don't like to burden people.

Talking about it on here has een a massive help, and I feel a sense of relief and release when I write.....as I said before, that someone is listening to me for once.

As a teacher, I am used to my class listening to me, but that is different than being really Listened to outside of work.

I feel my Husband and I need a serious chat about some things, his health etc, and about how I need to mave my needs met to, and that whilst I understand he is ill, it can't be all about him.

When we plan to do things, it is usually his choice, when and where, for example date night, holidays what to do on our days off together. This is dictated by his fatigue, and whether he is up for going out/away on holiday etc.
An example of this, a few years we had booked to go on holiday, and we had to cancel last minute, because a burnout episode occured shortly before.7
In actual fact, we are supposed to go away on Sunday for a week for our Easter holidays, but this has been cancelled also.
Spoke to him on the phone just now, as he is still at his Mums, and he is feeling better, so much so, that he has suddenly decided to go back in to work again tomorrow. He has demanded the car again (we only have 1, and car share) so I have to work late on the last day of school term, when every other teacher is out the door at 3.15, I will be there till 5.3. I explained this to him, but he still said it had to be done his way.
I said I was struggling to understand how he was suicidal on Monday, and back to work on Friday, and he got very defensive and almost angry.
I am totally confused, and upset about missing out on our holiday, which I had no say in (as per usual, his decision to cancel, without asking my opinion)

The more I think about it, he seems to value my opinion very little, constantly belittling me and interrupting when I am speaking.

I think I may have to be a little fiesty, and stand up for myself a little more, or else I will be walked over!
I also think I will be getting another car for myself, so I can have some independance, rather than relying on him to call the shots as to when I can have the car.

I also like to exercise, and go for runs/cycling, as he is usually too tired to do this with me, this is time I can have for myself, so I will continue to do this.

I don't really have very many close friends, my best friend is my Husband (usually, when he's not being as he is just now!)

People who have suffered/are suffering from CFS/depression, how do you think I should approach the subject of ' there are two people in this relationship, my needs should be met some of the time?' The last thing I want is a row, as I am sure the stress will be a setback for him. He is coming back to stay at home with me tomorrow night, as we have started school holidays, and I will be at home again.

Again, I really appreciate the opportunity to vent on here, sorry for the long rant.

[NameChange30]

"The more I think about it, he seems to value my opinion very little, constantly belittling me and interrupting when I am speaking."

Oh dear. This, combined with the fact that he makes unilateral decisions, and you are isolated with no friends, is very worrying.

I hope your conversation goes well and he is receptive and respectful of your point of view. If it doesn't and he isn't, we are here to listen. Well, we're here anyway!

[NameChange30]

(When I say we're here anyway, I mean we're here whether it goes well or badly. Wanted to clarify!)

[Coldtoeswarmheart]

I was raised by a chronically depressed mother. It wasn't fun. Don't do it to the child.

[BombadierFritz]

Be careful. Is he just actually controlling you rather than depressed?

[Butterscotch1989]

His depression only surfaces when he gets over tired/fatigued, which isn't often, thankfully. In general, he is quite happy, but likes things done his way, and can be quite stubborn.
His problem is predominently CFS, and the very odd time, depression and anxiety.