Depressed husband- he wants kids, good idea?

[Butterscotch1989]

Hello everyone, I am new on here, and was hoping to get some advice.

So, I am a 26 year old, who has been married to my husband for 5 years, he is 32. He suffers from Chronic Fatigue, and also expreiences bouts of anxiety/depression. He is currently in a low bout just now, after getting a very bad flu type illness. The depression reached its peak last night, when he couldn't sleep, and said this morning he was feeling suicidal through the night.

He went to the doctor today, who said it was the flu making him feel so ill, and when the flu was gone, he would feel better. However, he is now severly depressed, and experiencing anxiety, etc. His Mum has taken him back to her house for a change of scenery, and to help him. He seems unable to shake the depression/anxiety when he is at home with me.

Anyway, before he got ill this time, we had previously discussed perhaps trying for children later this year. He seems to think this will give him something else to focus on, and will give him a routine each day, which he needs.

However, my argument is that I don't want our children to see their Dad being unwell, and speaking of suicide, having to move out to his Mum's/or hospital to get better. I feel like I don't want children to experience that world, but I don't know if I am being selfish. I can envisage, worst case scenario, my Husband being ill, off work, and I'm left to look after Baby and him. Or, he would move out for a while, and I look after Baby on my own.

I feel like I can't/don't want to risk making him worse by having children, and would rather it just be the two of us, so we can deal with his illness without children complicating things.

My question is, am I being selfish by not wanting children, or should I consider having children if he thinks it would help?

Please help, apologies for the long-winded story.

Many thanks.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

I have CFS along with other things.

If both of those for him are currently so bad he needs to go to his parents house because he's not coping, he is in no way ready to have a child. Of course, people with CFS, and people with mental illnesses, can make brilliant parents. But you have to be in a place in your life, illnesses or not, where you can accept that everything is going to turn on its head, you are going to get broken sleep, your 'routine' will be disrupted, and you won't be able just to run away when it's getting too much.

Having a child with the objective of "this will make my life better" is not healthy. It puts unfair pressure on another human being, especially a small, vulnerable one who needs to depend on you, not the other way around.

Sadly, I do think your image of being left to take care of him and the baby, or the baby whilst he is at his mums, is an accurate one.

If this is something you both want to work towards, he needs to be proactive in improving both his physical and mental health.

[FinallyHere]

Agreeing with everyone.

Wondering also whether your DP could, as part of establishing a daily routine, get involved by volunteering in something which involves interaction with children.

[2ManySweets]

Just posting to agree really: don't do it.

My XH was - on reflection - severely depressed but his outlet was being odious to me (so I left, different situation I know).

The final straw was when he was - literally - jumping up and down going "I want children". I walked shortly after.

A short while later i met my (wonderful) DP and we now have a baby. The shock to my system of having a baby was immense and I'd have gone round the bend without him.

Had I been with my XH and had a baby the relationship quite literally wouldn't have survived. I'd have had to do everything myself as XH's chronic fatigue would "flare" when shit got real (fancy that) and his general depressive nature would've meant he'd have simply been unable to cope with a colicy, fractious baby (especially as his condition meant he needed at least 8hrs continuous sleep).

Sorry - venting. Don't do it. You know this yourself. A baby is not a band aid and bringing a child into what could be a dysfunctional relationship will derail it further and basically lead you into a life of never ending relentless shit.

[juneau]

Having children won't make him feel better - there have been quite a few studies that show that having children actually makes life considerably harder than it was before - so generally people are advised to fix the problems BEFORE they have kids, rather than expecting that having kids will fix the problem. Because quite simply, it won't.

As for you, you should only have kids if YOU want them. I wouldn't advise anyone to have a baby to make someone else happy.

As for his anxiety, CF and depression he needs real proper help with this. Neither you nor his mum can really help. He needs to want to help him and then get medical help. Medication. Talking therapy. Strategies to help him deal with these chronic conditions.

As for the future - well either you're going to stay with this man and have DC with him or you're not, but don't expect him to ever be completely 'better'. AFAIK these are all life-long conditions that can rear their heads again and again. The best either of you can hope for is for him to be able to control his moods and the severity of his bouts of illness with medication and other things such as CBT, yoga, mindfulness or whatever works for him.

[Allnamesaretakenffs]

Dear God, no. Having a baby will NOT help with depression - it can severly exasperate existing conditions, or even cause depression to develop (PND) like it did with me for the first 2 years. If you end up with a baby like my first - always screaming, awake to feed every hour to two hours for the the first 8 months, very high needs etc, then they become high needs toddlers etc, I tell you, it's bloody, bloody hard when you don't have mental health issues but throw issues into the mix?? Don't do it. Even "normal" relationships can fracture and die under the strain of kids.

[RatherBeRiding]

My advice to you is that having a baby now will not help your husband in any way. Depression is an illness that needs to be treated by professionals. He isn't going to suddenly snap out of it because he is handed the extra responsibility of being a father - if anything, that is likely to make him much, much worse.

Totally agree. Having a child in the current circumstances is absolutely bonkers.

Your DH needs to concentrate on improving his health first and foremost, and the last thing you need is to be a full-time mother and carer for someone suffering from serious illness.

Plenty of time to think about children when things are under control health-wise.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Does this man have a diagnosis of either depression/CFS, and is he recieving regular medical/MH care? Given it appears that the GP told him he had a dose of flu and to take a couple of aspirins, I would rather wonder about that.

I am fully aware that these are all real conditions and that people suffer with them and manage them with the help of medical professionals but they are also conditions that some people self-diagnose as a way of getting other people to run round servicing them and indulging all their whims. It's not entirely uncommon for someone who is selfish and/or abusive to have an 'illness' consisting mostly of vague symptoms and bad moods, which flares up whenever that person is not getting his/her own way.

Also, someone who does suffer from depression doesn't get a free pass to mistreat other family members. S/he has a responsibility to engage with treatment and (eg) avoid alcohol or late nights if they appear to make the illness worse. It's not 'selfish' to walk out on a relationship if you are constantly having to obey and placate your 'ill' partner when the partner is refusing to help him/herself in any way and abusing you into the bargain.

[DangerMouth]

juneau laughing at the fact they did a study on this

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Just also to point out that, yes the op's partner would benefit from being proactive and there's lots of things that he could try but, assuming he has an official CFS diagnosis then there is no universally effective treatment and for many , including myself, it is something that has to be managed long-term. It's not true that he can magic himself better if he just 'made a bit more effort' although, as any CFS sufferer will confirm, that's exactly the sort of shit we have to listen to day in and day out.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

Less than 40 posts in before someone asks if it's real. Seems about right for anything surrounding CFS.

And actually, it's quite typical for symptoms of many conditions to flare up when things are stressful - or, "not going their way" as has been used - like in arguments, as symptoms of A LOT of conditions are flared up by stress. For example, here, any discussion of how my DH is struggling with the bulk of the housework if I'm having a flare is bound to either trigger a migraine or non epileptic seizure. I'm neither abusive or making excuses. Thank God he hasn't posted on here, hey....

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Exactly, Voldys!

The ideal life for a CFS patient is one without any stress or excitement or change to routine. This is why we get depressed!

Difficult to fit children into I guess.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

I think it is possible to fit children in with CFS - DS seems to think so - but there's no doubt that it is hard and you have to be in a good enough place, physically and mentally, to cope with it all, which the OP's OH doesn't seem to be.

You're completely right though - ideally life for CFS sufferers would be the same thing every day, with no change and no triggers. No way to live, really. But when anything outside of that happens, and it causes a flare, it's not understood by many people outside of the CFS community. Hard work.

[Anniegetyourgun]

So, supposing having a baby doesn't turn out to be helpful after all, what's the plan - hand it back?

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Voldys,

Had you already been diagnosed when you had DS?

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

Yes, I'd been ill for about 18 months, diagnosed for a year (super speedy for CFS). He was a 'surprise' - contraception failure. I was a single mother from the get go, until I met DH. Not going to pretend it was a walk in the park, but I just had to find ways that worked - I came off meds so I could breastfeeding and co-sleep, I made sure there was still some 'routine' to our weeks, batch cooked so there was lots in the freezer. It's a completely individual choice, and I totally understand those with CFS who choose not to have children.

[2ManySweets]

OP, just a quick word of advice; if YOU want children, you need to seriously assess your current situation. The focus here has all been on your other half. You need to think about you.

I was never sure if I wanted kids as I was in such a toxic relationship but had a gut feeling that to NOT have kids within the next few years would leave me having missed the boat and the choice being removed from me. I knew that wasn't what I wanted.

Sad to say that gut feeling was one of the instrumental parts of my terminating the marriage; to remove myself from a situation whereby to have a baby with that partner would equal a life of extreme strife and toil, and potentially not find anyone else that I got on with well enough to have a baby with and be single and childless. But free of the draining, unmotivated, depressive partner (IME) and able to "live" again, freely, without fearing the consequence or feeling guilt for deserting him in his (24) hours of need.

Not everyone with depression/CFS is able to proactively try and manage their condition. Not every sufferer of depression has suicidal thoughts. And to those who live with CFS, I salute you as I've seen the pain it can cause and have lived with the ripple effect of folk saying "it's all in his head".

But it doesn't take away from the fact that as the partner of someone with a real depressive illness/CFS (I feel they are linked) it's so so hard. The sad fact is that baby or no baby if you are having a tough time coping with the illness he has that you allude to in your OP, maybe you need to reassess your relationship if kids are high on your agenda for the immediate to mid-term future.

Don't cheat yourself out of a family to facilitate someone else's needs, as very harsh as it sounds. YANBU.

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Voldy
Wow. To manage that on your own. I can't tell you how impressed I am.

2ManySweets
I think any serious illness that impacts seriously on your quality of life can lead to depression. So there is link between CFS and depression in as much as you can say there's a link between cancer and depression. Equally you can be a depressive person and have CFS. There is no stronger link between the two. They are different things.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I am not saying that CFS is not real. I am questioning this man's diagnosis as he appears to run off to his mum's and blame the OP rather than getting treatment, and he thinks that her having a baby would 'cure' him.

To say that some people fake illness is not to say the illness is not real: abusive people and scammers sometimes fake having cancer in order to get money/attention. Doesn't mean cancer isn't real.

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Yes, well you could be right solid but I would hope that it's only a very small minority of people that would do something quite so disgusting.

[Butterscotch1989]

My goodness, what an incredible response from everyone, I feel quite overwhelmed by your supportive words and kindness to offer advice to a total stranger. I can't explain how I felt when reading your responses, it felt almost a relief that so many of you (basically all of you) were echoing what I kind-of knew deep down- which was to not have kids, (at least, not right now anyway.)

A few of your kind replies had some questions for me, so I will try to give some more detail for you all.

My Husband works 8.30-5 Monday to Friday, and we generally have a relaxed weekend. He doesn't like having nothing to do on the weekend, as he likes having the routine of getting up and somewhere to go, but if I arrange for us to do anything, he is often very tired, due to the whole week of working. So, he wants to do things on the weekend, just usually isnt able. I suppose this is because of his CFS. He says he is able to keep going through the week, as he knows he HAS to go to work, and just gets so tired at the weekend, with the whole week catching up with him.


He has been diagnosed with CFS (as in, they ruled out other possible causes of his exhaustion and fatigue.) The depression only comes when he is completely exhausted. He is usually upbeat, just tired, on a normal day.
When he gets past the tired stage, into total burnout/exhaustion episodes, (apologies, I don't know what else to call it, this is how my Husband refers to it) then the depressive thoughts come into his head, and he can't stop them, and it turns into anxiety/panic, etc. Normally, it is just CFS with no depression, but over the last 10 years, he has had 3 total burnouts, where he has been off work, etc.
Prior to all 3 of these burnouts, he was really ill with a virus/flu, and couldn't shake it off, and it then went from flu to tired, to exhaustion, to anxiety/burnout. It took a good few months to totally recover from these.
He took Anti-depressants/sedatives after the first two of these burnout episodes, (we are currently in the third episode.) I felt whilst he was on the tablets, he was definately more stable/calm, but he appeared almost zombie-like, no emotion etc, so he made the decision to come off them. He has been off the tablets after the first episode, and then had another burnout, and went back on them, and came off for about 4 years now.
He is not too keen to go back on tablets, as he would rather get better naturally, but will consider them if the doctor says he must.
He has been receiving no medical care/mental health care at all over the last 4 years, since the last time he was ill.
He helps himself feel better by having a stress relieving sports massage regularly, and going to the gym. I do try to encourage him to eat healthily, but I think when he is at work, he isnt as healthy as he could be.

I really appreciated the post about involving the District Mental Health worker, I hadn't even realised there was such a thing, thank you for this.

I was asked why we got married at 21, well, we had been together since I was 17, and I had finished university, so it just felt right.

I was also asked about my family support available, for if/when we were to have children. I have my Mum and Dad available to help, they live an hour away.
Then there is his Mum, who is a slightly older lady, who could maybe help with childcare infrequently, but not often, as she would not be able.

Quite a few posts mentioned about my Husband feeling like he can't get better at home with me, I am afraid I don't have the answer to this.....I wish I knew, then I wouldn't feel like such a failure because I couldn't help him. He said he needed someone around him during the day, as he doesn't like being alone, as I am at work, and this is why he had to go to his Mum's. It has happened more than once, where he had to go back to his Mum's to get better. I honestly do try to help him, make him the food he asks for, let him sleep when he needs, listen to him explain how he is feeling, etc etc, so I really did think I was doing as much as I could, apart from being there during the day as I am working.

Lastly, the BIG question- Do I want kids?
Honestly, I don't know right now. I am a primary teacher, so I see children all day long, and I used to think......'I see kids all day long, I am not sure I want another one at home!'
However, recently before he fell ill again, we have been discussing trying for a baby later this year, and I found myself getting really excited about the idea, and even went to the doctor to discuss planning for a baby.
When I read your posts, and realised that realistically, a baby was not likely to be this year, or for a few years yet, it was upsetting. So, I guess I kind of do want a baby soonish. But, I really love my Husband, and have no plans ever to separate from him, so I guess we will have to try the things you all have suggested and hope for the best in a few years time.

Apologies, this post is even longer than my original one, but I wanted to answer the questions you asked, since you all so kindly took the time to answer me.

[Zaurak]

I can't get past the going back to his mums thing ... He's a grown man , yet he needs someone around him all day? That's not at all healthy. Especially when he wants them to look after him.
Hard to put my finger on exactly why but your description of him doesn't endear him to me. He seems to call all the shots, and when you don't measure up to his ideal degree of 'looking after him' he withdraws to his mother...
It just doesn't seem like a very healthy dynamic somehow.
If he wants routine at the weekend I suggest you walk someone's dog for them, or join an excercise class or something.

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Hi Butterscotch,

It makes me very sad to read that you consider yourself a failure in any way. From what you say you have been supporting your husband through this for some years and it will have been very hard so please don't beat yourself up about it.

What leaps out at me from what you've said is that your husband has for many years been working a full time job (you don't say how physical this job is) and also goes to the gym. For someone with a CFS diagnosis this is a lot to fit in and I'm not surprised that he is crashing a bit at the weekend. It's tough on you though because weekend time is time you should be enjoying togethe rather than just a couple of days for him to recover. I tried for several years to get back working full time and would regularly suffer 'burnout' (about every six months). Weekends were always a time for rest and life was pretty dull and relentless.

Eventually I reduced my working hours and found a better balance in life. I've been lucky that my living circumstances have allowed this, but is it something that your husband has ever considered? It might be that with a better work/life balance his health may improve or at least become a bit more stable and you might gain a more solid foundation for family life.

[Haffdonga]

OP, my dh has had depression on and off for a number of years. We have two dcs. His depression has at times made him a frankly awful parent and an even worse partner. His depression has definitely been damaging to our dcs and will have affected their lives negatively for ever.

I could choose not to have him as my husband any more (and it's come close) but my dcs can never choose not to have him as their father. If I had my time again I would not have had dcs with someone who has depression

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Also, I'm not sure that I would make too much of the going home to mum thing although I understand that may feel hurtful. It sounds like he's used to being around people and if he's feeling particularly bad, is off work and is starting to freak about about the latest onset of illness, it seems understandable to me that he might welcome some company.

I've been there. On my own during the day with nothing to do but worry. It's not very pleasant.

[piglover]

As the child of someone with bad (and untreated for most of her life) depression, I add my voice to the chorus of don't do it. It's really hard on the children as well as the partner.