Depressed husband- he wants kids, good idea?

[Butterscotch1989]

Hello everyone, I am new on here, and was hoping to get some advice.

So, I am a 26 year old, who has been married to my husband for 5 years, he is 32. He suffers from Chronic Fatigue, and also expreiences bouts of anxiety/depression. He is currently in a low bout just now, after getting a very bad flu type illness. The depression reached its peak last night, when he couldn't sleep, and said this morning he was feeling suicidal through the night.

He went to the doctor today, who said it was the flu making him feel so ill, and when the flu was gone, he would feel better. However, he is now severly depressed, and experiencing anxiety, etc. His Mum has taken him back to her house for a change of scenery, and to help him. He seems unable to shake the depression/anxiety when he is at home with me.

Anyway, before he got ill this time, we had previously discussed perhaps trying for children later this year. He seems to think this will give him something else to focus on, and will give him a routine each day, which he needs.

However, my argument is that I don't want our children to see their Dad being unwell, and speaking of suicide, having to move out to his Mum's/or hospital to get better. I feel like I don't want children to experience that world, but I don't know if I am being selfish. I can envisage, worst case scenario, my Husband being ill, off work, and I'm left to look after Baby and him. Or, he would move out for a while, and I look after Baby on my own.

I feel like I can't/don't want to risk making him worse by having children, and would rather it just be the two of us, so we can deal with his illness without children complicating things.

My question is, am I being selfish by not wanting children, or should I consider having children if he thinks it would help?

Please help, apologies for the long-winded story.

Many thanks.

[cestlavielife]

AnotherEmma that is a good link. my exp had diagnosis of adjustment disorder/depression/anxiety...but he oh so subtly controlled everything and manipulated. like the op's h.

i missed out on things/was late etc due to his neediness and control.

op, change your behavior as was suggested.
stop pandering to him.
he has his mum to run to, so let him do that.
start sticking up for yourself. his "illness" wont go away so find a way to live for yourself, his illness is not your fault and you can set boundaries; he cant expect you to drop everything for him when it s a chronic illness with no end in sight.

if you have a baby with him you will be doing everything yourself except when he decides he can cope.

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Sorry, pressed 'Post' a bit too soon. Was just going to say about maybe printing that info. out and using it as a conversation starter. The power of an official looking leaflet is strong!

[Littletabbyocelot]

I know the thread has moved on, but I just wanted to say your 5th paragraph describes my childhood. Don't do it.

My dad's depression was absolutely genuine. BUT it was also a tool in his emotional, financial (and potentially other) abuse of my mother. When I was born, his needs meant she went back to work and he was a stay at home dad. They also meant that all housework was hers & I was handed over the second she walked through the door.

When she had emotional needs (fear after being diagnosed with advanced cancer) they were trumped by his suicidal thoughts. He could spend 1000s on hobbies while she chose between heating or food because he controlled the finances. As it got worse she could never go out because he wasn't safe to be left with us but no one would babysit because our dad was home.

All this got worse with kids. His happiness was no longer priority one. My dad also ran home to mummy.

Now treated for depression my dad would never behave this way. But that doesn't change the impact a decade of abuse had on my mum. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

Also here is a link from the excellent Action For M.E. charity which has a little bit of information for carers on which also stresses the need for you to have time away and to have your needs recognised as being of equal importance.

www.actionforme.org.uk/living-with-me/carers/looking-after-yourself/

[TheGhostOfTroubledJoe]

People who have suffered/are suffering from CFS/depression, how do you think I should approach the subject of ' there are two people in this relationship, my needs should be met some of the time?'

I think it's definitely a conversation that you need to have. CFS is a very isolating illness. For the sufferer, but also for the carer. I would hope that your partner is able to recognise that. Living with someone with CFS is always going to involve compromise and be more focused around the sufferers needs, I think that is inevitable, but there should still be some balance.

I very much encourage and support my partner to have a big network of friends around her. She has hobbies that take her out of the house regularly. She goes on holidays with people other than me. These are all things that I am happy with because although I accept that my life has to be limited I can't bear the guilt of feeling that hers is by association. Can you imagine your partner doing any of these things?

Perhaps raise this with your partner as soon as he is recovering (as it sounds like he is). He should be supportive of you and if he isn't I don't think that's anything to do with the illness.

[CockacidalManiac]

I'm a man with a history of serious recurrent depression, my opinion is that he's using it as a tool to get you to do what he wants. That pisses me off, he doesn't want to change things because this suits him just fine.

[crazycatdad]

Last message*

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You don't have to sit down and have a big chat about your needs being important. You simply start behaving as if they are important. You don't need his permission to do that you know.

You go out with friends. You make more friends. You book a mini break for you and a friend (as a runner, somewhere for a weekend race with your running buddies is a good one). If he says he needs you to work late for car share, and you don't want to, you get a lift or a taxi or he does.

If he scuppers your plans for anything nice by having an episode, do your thing anyway. He can call a professional or his mum. He'll manage for a night or a weekend.

Start making a mental note of all the times he gets his own way, however tiny the thing is, and you start being stubborn yourself to make sure you get your way an equal amount of the time. It is about behaving as an equal.

If his health takes a bad turn whenever you get your own way regularly or whenever you get your own needs met apart from him then that's a worry.

Whether it is deliberate or not, an attitute of "I will kill myself if butterscotch doesn't obey my every whim, and it will be on her head", surely isn't how you want to live and isn't healthy for either of you.

Has something good been happening to you lately? A promotion? New friends? Confident independent outlook? Do you think he might be punishing you by cancelling the holiday you were looking forward to, forcing you to work late on the last day of term, running off to his mum's for week and telling you she can make him happy in just one day but you can't.

Will you end up spending all this week off work proving you can make him feel happy and loved? Being so so happy that he has chosen to come home. Of course you can't mention him cancelling your holiday but going to work anyway, can you? Have you spent all week thinking about him, his needs, what you can do to help him, how you can be even better than his mum?

What if you said this last week has been terribly draining, you need a break, and you are going away on holiday on your own somewhere for a few days. Book it before you tell him. And go within a very short time of telling him, like a day or two.

Ask youself does the idea of doing that scare you? Or seem impossible? Or just laughable "ha ha, I'd love to do that bu,t seriously, I couldn't"? Maybe no way would he 'let' me do that?

[crazycatdad]

Ok, I have to agree, from your last Doesn't this does sound like he's taking the piss now.

Getting his own way all the time + not in a hurry to get any proper treatment. Doesn't sound good.

[NameChange30]

(I mean I agree, but I worry that it's too soon to push it.)

[NameChange30]

SGB think it's a bit soon for that, let's be gentle on the OP.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Thought so. Illness, my arse - this is a selfish bellend who wants his own way in everything and will scream until he's sick if he doesn't get it.

I bet he doesn't weep and collapse at work, or in the gym - he just gets all 'poorly' every time he thinks you're not paying him enough attention.

Don't just not get pregnant OP - get rid of this man.

[NameChange30]

(Hint: I think he is!)

[NameChange30]

4 Ways to Find Out If Your Partner Is Using Their Depression as an Excuse for Controlling Behavior

[cestlavielife]

Everything seems to revolve around him. You miss out on holidays /using the car / etc.
A baby will demand attention and he won't like that....
If you have a baby with him you will be left holding the baby. That is the only certainty.
Go you alone initially to talk to someone in real life. Maybe someone who knows about depression eg thru MIND or Rethink. Unpick what is depression / cfs and what is being controlling and demanding for the sake of it.

[BombadierFritz]

His problem quite possibly is that he uses depression/cfs as an excuse to control those closest to him. He does not sound at all like anyone i know with cfs or depression and he doesnt sound very nice.

[Frika]

It sounds dangerously close to his illness being used to hold you hostage to what he wants, while you step around on eggshells and he calls the shots, isolates you and makes unilateral decisions about your lives, according to whether he's up or down. Be careful that his condition is not an excuse for you to hide from yourself the reality of how dominating he is -- the 'oh, it's not his fault, it's his depression/ CFS speaking, and I must be nice always, because he's ill and/or suicidal' approach) - and I say that as someone who suffered badly from crippling depression. It would have done me absolutely no good to have my wishes be considered sacrosanct.

I don't like the dynamic that seems to exist between you, where you're the stoical, taken-for-granted nurse figure, and his mother is also at his beck and call, and he's a domineering character who gets his own way a lot and has carte blanche to retreat from life when he sees fit. For instance, would you have told him he needed to make alternative transport arrangements if you weren't afraid he would retreat to his mother and be suicidal again?

[NameChange30]

What contraception do you use, OP? (If you don't mind me asking.)

He wants a child, and he is very used to getting his own way. So a contraceptive failure would suit him nicely. Be careful.

[Butterscotch1989]

His depression only surfaces when he gets over tired/fatigued, which isn't often, thankfully. In general, he is quite happy, but likes things done his way, and can be quite stubborn.
His problem is predominently CFS, and the very odd time, depression and anxiety.

[BombadierFritz]

Be careful. Is he just actually controlling you rather than depressed?

[Coldtoeswarmheart]

I was raised by a chronically depressed mother. It wasn't fun. Don't do it to the child.

[NameChange30]

(When I say we're here anyway, I mean we're here whether it goes well or badly. Wanted to clarify!)

[NameChange30]

"The more I think about it, he seems to value my opinion very little, constantly belittling me and interrupting when I am speaking."

Oh dear. This, combined with the fact that he makes unilateral decisions, and you are isolated with no friends, is very worrying.

I hope your conversation goes well and he is receptive and respectful of your point of view. If it doesn't and he isn't, we are here to listen. Well, we're here anyway!

[Butterscotch1989]

Thank you again for your continued messages.
I have been asked about my friends and my support, and to be honest, this is my outlet right now. I have a close friend at work who I have been talking to a little about, but she is going through things just now, and I don't like to burden people.

Talking about it on here has een a massive help, and I feel a sense of relief and release when I write.....as I said before, that someone is listening to me for once.

As a teacher, I am used to my class listening to me, but that is different than being really Listened to outside of work.

I feel my Husband and I need a serious chat about some things, his health etc, and about how I need to mave my needs met to, and that whilst I understand he is ill, it can't be all about him.

When we plan to do things, it is usually his choice, when and where, for example date night, holidays what to do on our days off together. This is dictated by his fatigue, and whether he is up for going out/away on holiday etc.
An example of this, a few years we had booked to go on holiday, and we had to cancel last minute, because a burnout episode occured shortly before.7
In actual fact, we are supposed to go away on Sunday for a week for our Easter holidays, but this has been cancelled also.
Spoke to him on the phone just now, as he is still at his Mums, and he is feeling better, so much so, that he has suddenly decided to go back in to work again tomorrow. He has demanded the car again (we only have 1, and car share) so I have to work late on the last day of school term, when every other teacher is out the door at 3.15, I will be there till 5.3. I explained this to him, but he still said it had to be done his way.
I said I was struggling to understand how he was suicidal on Monday, and back to work on Friday, and he got very defensive and almost angry.
I am totally confused, and upset about missing out on our holiday, which I had no say in (as per usual, his decision to cancel, without asking my opinion)

The more I think about it, he seems to value my opinion very little, constantly belittling me and interrupting when I am speaking.

I think I may have to be a little fiesty, and stand up for myself a little more, or else I will be walked over!
I also think I will be getting another car for myself, so I can have some independance, rather than relying on him to call the shots as to when I can have the car.

I also like to exercise, and go for runs/cycling, as he is usually too tired to do this with me, this is time I can have for myself, so I will continue to do this.

I don't really have very many close friends, my best friend is my Husband (usually, when he's not being as he is just now!)

People who have suffered/are suffering from CFS/depression, how do you think I should approach the subject of ' there are two people in this relationship, my needs should be met some of the time?' The last thing I want is a row, as I am sure the stress will be a setback for him. He is coming back to stay at home with me tomorrow night, as we have started school holidays, and I will be at home again.

Again, I really appreciate the opportunity to vent on here, sorry for the long rant.

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

It's not about not understanding depression, and completely about understanding parenthood.

If you're still in a place with your depression, or any illness, where you need to physically run away for long periods of time, and have someone else do everything for you, you're probably not going to be able to cope with the demands of parenting. Obviously it's a different situation if depression happens after having a baby. And it is healthy to have time 'off' from life. But if that time 'off' still needs to be a week with mum doing everything for you, rather than a haircut, or sitting in a coffee shop, or even going away for the day, then it's not an ideal time to deliberately throw yourself into parenting.

OP I agree with a poster above about you sounding sad and isolated OP. Do you have much support yourself?