can't shake him off

[YourLeftElbow]

Hi. I am an old MNer recently returned and NCd. I need advice.

Am single with 2DC. Last August, I started seeing a guy- he's the friend of a friend of a friend, and we are in the same circles with lots of friends in common. He has been divorrced for 15y and had two teenage DC.
He was lovely when we met- kind and very gentle, and tbh I couldn't believe my luck that he was interested in me. I went away on holiday immediately after we met, and we texted the whole time. I was rash and got a bit carried away- we were basically in a relationship via text before we'd had a proper date. I should have taken things far more slowly.

So after I came back, we started seeing each other properly. Again, he was very kind and couldn't do enough for me- gave me lifts when my car broke down and always behaved respectfully towards me. But something didn't feel right for me- the sex was very bad, and, more importantly, I felt I couldn't discuss anything in depth with him- he just agreed with me about every single thing, so there was never any sparky debate.

I saw that he was getting very serious very quickly, so I decided to end it. Now, I hold my hands up- my timing was shite. His son was having MH problems and his mother was ill- but as they are both long-term problems, I felt I couldn't wait until they passed in order to dump him. I told him
I wanted to end it, I didn't feel a spark, but that he was a great guy and I was sure he'd find someone perfect for him. We had been seeing each other about 8 weeks. That was late Oct, early Nov.

He hasn't acceoted it. He wrote me long letters and cards, some of which I thought were very odd (claiming I had dumped him because of the hormones in my contraceptive implant, and then saying I'd done it because I was falling in love so hard, I was scared of the power of that emotion.) On top of that, constant texting, fb messaging, etc etc. I told him not to contact me again, he was scaring me a bit, but I was still getting looooooong emails about what a nice guy he is, how I shouldn't be scared, he just wants to be friends. I replied to these messages waaaay too much, I now realise- they were fuelling him.

He had gone quiet in the last few weeks, but I got a long (and weird) email yesterday, and a text today. Text was just "happy easter", but it still feels yucky when I'ce asked him not to get in touch.

What do you guys think? I know I've done a lot wrong, and I do feel sorry for him, but do you think I'm over-reacting by feeling a bit freaked out?

Blooody hell that was a long post. There's weird behaviour things I've missed out too.

Block him and don't reply to anything. Let it wither.

If he persists tell him you will contact police about harrassment.

I think remain no contact. Eventually he will stop.

oh my God. just ignore ignore. I had this with a female friend who went to far intruding in my life. I tried to gently distance myself but it got worse and worse. She contacted my mother and told her I might have depression. Left notes through my door. At one stage I was concerned she might contact my boss.

It is truly awful op . best to just ignore

Thanks. I am not going to reply to the latest contact. I think initially I was so frustrated that I'd reply straight away with "Stop this! I'm scared of you!" but any reaction, even one like that, kept him going.

I've kept out of the nearest town. because he works there, so I hopefully won't see him for a while.

mrsmeerkat that's quite odd about her contacting your mother- he sent my sister a fb message saying he was worried about me and could she try to get me to chill out? I think that's a really bloody horrible thing to do

He's not respecting your boundaries. Block and ignore.

And you've not done anything wrong, either.

it is really horrible. It didn help that my mother lapped all the fuss and negativity up.

I think that if this had happened say 20 odd tears ago the situation would be done and dusted. Bloody internet has a way of making closure very difficult.
Block, delete, ignore.

Thanks everyone. I'll block him.

You can send his emails to a folder so you don't even see them arrive. Block. Ignore.

I agree with block and ignore. Lucky escape OP!

Thanks. I have found myself being a bot anxious about seeing him. A few weeks ago, I was driving home and he was in the car behind me. I have had a new car recently so he wouldnt know the car, but he was very very close, dangerously close, to the back of my car. I was shitting myself, thinking he knew it was me, was going to hurt me etc etc. I pulled over- and he did exactly the same to the next car. So he wasn't stalking me, he was just a shit driver.

I'd ignore. If you respond to just one text out of the many he's sent, it will be 'variable reinforcement' ie he knows you'll respond eventually just doesn't know which one so he'll keep on trying!

If he contacts you again report him to the police straight away.

Also it's unlikely it was a coincident to end up behind you in traffic.

I thought so too- and I was quite shocked by my own reaction, heart pounding etc.
There was another occasion where he could have worked out from my company's tweet where I was, and was driving past slowly when I was leaving (I saw him before he saw me, put my hood up and ducked into a doorway.) It was in a town 45 mins from where he lives, but it could be a coincidence as his children live there.

Send him one message, either by text or email, along the lines of 'Do not contact me again. I have nothing to say to you and no interest in anything you have to say. If you attempt to contact me directly or indirectly in future you will be reported to the police for harassment.'

(You have to tell the person very clearly to fuck off before the police will act if the contact attempts are unwanted but non-aggressive).

I was with a shifty guy like this before I met my husband, it's the pits. You don't want them to feel bad so you respond in a kind but very neutral way but actually (I've learned through bitter experience) anything you write or say to them can be construed by them to mean something positive or hopeful. So yes- I think cold turkey is the only (and kindest) thing to do. Good luck

Oh God yes Brex I know. I should have seen the warning signs early on ("omg you like cheese?! I like cheese too! We are made for each other!") but we live and learn. If I say anything even slightly nice, he'll just take it as a gesture of friendship. I have been quite cruel (which I kind of regret) in order to just get rid- stuff like "I didn't feel we were sexually compatible", but he just replied with "well, we could have an open relationship and be Bohemian, you can sleep with whoever you want, but please be my girlfriend." But I've not replied in about 3m.

Thanks SGB, I did wonder that when friends said I should contact the police. I'll do that.

Remember you have every right to dump this man and refuse any further contact with him. You do not owe him your time, your attention, or friendship, or access to your body. He is not your responsibility in any way. It's not 'unkind' or wrong to tell a man to leave you alone, or to involve the police if he refuses to do so.

Ugh - I really feel for you OP! You have done nothing wrong and really must not feel guilty. I think it is part of the problem of being brought up to be polite - you feel bad about saying no even when you know you have every right to do so! Block him, talk to friends, and whatever you do don't feel bad about ending things