I'm 4 years post divorce after a 15 year marriage, he was my first boyfriend, we grew up together as friends, I've known him since I was 10. 3 DC. Marriage ended after he had a one night stand I was unable to forgive. There were problems beforehand, usual relationship pressure with DC, things a bit stale but nothing huge or abusive.
The first year after divorce I was so angry with him and we barely spoke. The second year we started seeing each other a bit more and had sex on a few occasions, were planning on still going on holiday together and spending time at each other's houses with DC. I was still unable to move past the hurt of the ONS and didn't feel he was really making a huge effort to move us past it either. Year three and we both met other people at roughly the same time who we're both still with.
Sorry for the long story but trying to get all the background in. In a nutshell I cannot stop thinking about him. To the point that I think it's become a bit of an obsession. I think of reasons to call him even when I don't need too. I check what's app to see when he was last online. I look forward to the kids events as I'll get to see him. I CANNOT seem to stop thinking of him. Our relationship is cool and polite. We don't really speak other than to exchange pleasantries or discuss the DC.
I've tied myself up in knots trying to work out what's behind it. I'm not sure if I miss him and his company, if I'm bored in my own life and focusing on him instead, if I still feel rejected and hurt or if I'm still in love with him?
I think that I just miss his company, I feel a grief for him. I sometimes look at my life and think how the fuck did I get here. Last week I drove and parked outside of our old house and cried for 30 minutes.
On the other hand I have DP. I know you're probably thinking WTF! He is lovely, kind, hardworking etc. I don't deserve him. We are happy together and as a huge plus point have a great sex life. When we are together I'm fine but when he's not here my thoughts drift to ex DH.
I need to get him OUT of my head. Please if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it.