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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can i just tell someone on here my story?

15 replies

BedsideLamp · 26/03/2016 22:07

I need to tell someone and i cant tell anyone IRL. i need to get it off my chest. I think it will help me deal with everything.

I think i was emotionally abused by my h for around 13 years. We split up last year. I made the move to split. No one knows what happened. No, i know i was emotionally abused. He was an alcoholic. I wasted all those years, i cant get them back. I'm happy now, i'm free and it feels fantastic but no one knows what happened.

Im not sure why I'm posting this! Everyone thinks he is great and i'm the one that caused the spilt. Split up the family. I wish i had left years ago that's the thing, I feel like an idiot for staying. Now i'm free i can see it all for what it was. How was i so stupid?

OP posts:

workedoutforthebest · 26/03/2016 22:15

But the main thing now, op, is that you are away from that man!

Yes, you 'wasted' 13 years, but there is nothing you can do about it now. Don't beat yourself up about it, you had enough abuse from him x

haveacupoftea · 26/03/2016 22:25

You weren't stupid.

You needed those 13 years. Needed to experience, to break, to heal, to grow, to plan.
You are the person you are today because of them. Love yourself.

You have many happy years ahead...and because of the bad ones, you know how to enjoy every tiny happiness...your story ahead is full of adventure and joy, best of luck to you

Marchate · 27/03/2016 00:01

If 'everyone' thinks he was great, it's only because he manipulated them too. Not because there was anything good about him

FattyNinjaOwl · 27/03/2016 00:09

Everyone thinks my dad is great and my mums the horrible cow that split up the family.
That is until he lets his mask slip and they see him for the knob he is. Which he does. The only people who believe his lies now are his sisters. (And the poor woman he's currently "dating")

Enjoy your freedom.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad · 27/03/2016 05:44

Perhaps you feel you need to speak because you have been keeping his secret for him and it's the injustice of everyone thinking he's such a fine person that is sticking in your craw? Maybe it's time to stop keeping his secret OP? Tell anyone that asks and a few that do not the truth of the lies and abuse and crap you have put up with. In a nutshell you need to vent. Vent on here by all means, there are plenty of us that have has to suck up shite, but while the truth about your Ex is hidden in RL and you look bad (even to a tiny degree) you won't feel at ease. Get it out there by whatever means.

Millionsmom · 27/03/2016 06:01

This reminds me of my grand parents. She was the total control freak who always beat on dear old granddad. Everyone used to shake their heads and say 'Poor man'. Until she died and we all found out what an absolute monster he is. You wouldn't believe just how bad he is until you see him up to his tricks. The poor woman was a saint. One time she actually left him, then the family put pressure on her to go back, he was so distraught etc. We couldn't have been more played.

Be glad you are free of him Bedsidelamp. If you don't feel up to correcting their views of your 'D'H, don't beat yourself up about it. They'll find out soon enough.

and lots of applause just for you! You are amazing.

Imbroglio · 27/03/2016 09:13

You left, which means that over the course of the last few years you grew and found strength, and self esteem. It's incredibly tough to live with emotional abuse over a long time so you have done really well.

You may also be feeling bereaved for what you had (the good bits and the life you hoped for) so it's normal to feel terrible even if you know you made the right decision.

PurpleWithRed · 27/03/2016 09:20

I know how you feel - I was miserably married for 15 years before I finally cracked and left. Now I know what a happy, respectful, equal relationship is I want to kick myself for not leaving XDH sooner.

But I had my reasons at the time and reading other people's threads on here reminds me just how impossibly trapped I felt. I also know that I really did try to make things work, for his sake as well as the sake of the children. So I shake myself a bit and I look forward and really appreciate my hard-earned happiness.

RiceCrispieTreats · 27/03/2016 09:43

Yoy weren't stupid. You did what you could with the knowledge and capacities you had at the time.

Those 13 years taught you something that you needed to learn in order to break out of that particular pattern. You have grown, so they weren't wasted. Painful, but not wasted.

Be kind to yourself.

lljkk · 27/03/2016 10:32

I guess we wouldn't be human beings if we didn't make mistakes (& agonise over them).

Does nobody else know that he is alcoholic? How long did you live with the alcoholism?

If it's emotional abuse that's intangible, so maybe hard for people to get heads around, but everyone has heard of alcoholism.

Original poster

BedsideLamp · 27/03/2016 11:30

Thank you all so much, it means so much more than you could ever image to have you reply. Everyone has said something meaningful to me so i will try and reply to everyone.

workedoutforthebest thank you. Yes i need to get that straight in my head. There is nothing i can do to change it. Its happened. I do keep beating myself up about it. If i can stop that i can move forward i think.

haveacupoftea thank you. and because of the bad ones, you know how to enjoy every tiny happiness - this exactly. Every nice little thing that happens to me is amazing for me. I see the world in a whole different light now.

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 27/03/2016 11:36

BedsideLamp, do you know how hard it is to see the light when in the midst of a dysfunctional and emotionally abusive relationship? You should give yourself massive credit for the strength and clarity of purpose you must have had to have ended it

Onwards and upwards

No, you cannot go back and make different choices, but you can make good decisions for your future. Your experiences will have shaped and moulded you - take the good stuff and leave the ballast behind.

If you are struggling with your feelings about your old relationship, consider making contact with Al-Anon - I know you are out of the relationship with an alcoholic now, but it might help you to make sense of what went on.

Ginkypig · 27/03/2016 18:04

My granny lost 41 years and was late into her 60's before she got what you've got now!

Who cares about what others know! Grab your new life with both hands and never look back.

Congratulations on your freedom.

Ginkypig · 27/03/2016 18:06

I'm not trying to trivialise, I'm trying to help you see how lucky and brave you are for getting out while you can live still!

DoreenLethal · 27/03/2016 19:11

Well done love. Who cares what anyone else thinks - if they think he is so great they can have him, can't they?

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