My DP spent our IVF money

[WTFMYIVMONEY]

We've been saving for IVF for a few months slowly but steadily. My DP handles everything financially, I really don't bother with an iota and simply ask for cash when I need it, everything in and out of one joint account, and a savings account.

We'd set a deadline to have it saved by. I had a once in a blue moon moment and needed to check in case I needed to move for something. It's GONE. I know we had almost TWO GRAND and now nothing. I'm heartbroken.

What should I do? My DP has a medical condition requiring 24hr monitoring too.

If you have no idea about your finances then how do you know that any money was even being saved? Perhaps your DP was telling you that X hundred pounds was being saved each month when in fact it was all being spent. Can you actually afford to save? Maybe it just isn't financially viable to save at the moment? If you just ask for cash as and when you need it, do you have any idea of how much your minimum monthly outgoings are?

No, no agencies involved and he doesn't, no.

MrsSteptoe - I agree, it's likely "death by a thousand cuts" - I checked bank statement and really is small sums and often.

What have I spent money on? Nothing, petrol! We were supposed to be foregoing luxuries to save, and was working.

We worked it out over a year prior to committing, that we could afford a baby and thus IVF.

Rezolution- you're evaluating my LD via my typing on a forum?

LettingAgent - Really? You have no idea WHY he needs monitoring OR of my LD. Wow.

Could it be gambling/smoking/drinking/socialising?

Your partner is spending that money on something?

I think it's time you had an honest discussion about how much this baby is truly wanted and prioritised by both of you, and that you review your input into your joint finances. Even if you're not the one actively managing the money, I think you would benefit from at least reviewing your finances regularly, so that you are always aware of what is actually going on and have an idea whether there is spare money for purchases or not and what compromises may need to be made. You may also want to look into each having your own personal savings accounts which cannot be withdrawn from in your absence. How the financial responsibility is shared in a relationship is a matter of personal choice, but ultimately you need to discuss this because it is not sustainable to have no personal money and only joint finances long term with someone who does not share your financial priorities and goals and will spend money which had been set aside for an agreed purpose without consultation.

How often is the money being withdrawn? Is it multiple times in a day, every few days? Multiple times in a day would day to me some sort of gambling. Less often would say to me frittering on random crap.

Seems as if another child means more to you than your dp. The money has gone. If you both decide to continue with these plans then the savings need to be ringfenced rather than in your main account. LD or not you can participate in financial matters. If you can check the balance you can keep an eye on it more regularly. Are you both working?

He doesn't sound as invested in the IVF as you are , or he wouldn't have frittered the money away.

So, but If he's not, please don't go ahead with it.

I don't have any useful information to add but to the people doubting your LD or saying that because you and your partner have some health or social care needs you shouldn't be planning another child, please fuck the fuck off you ignorant fucks. Your prejudice isn't welcome here nor needed.

I have ASC and dyslexia and dyscalculia and you wouldn't be able to tell just by my posts on MN. I find managing financial things difficult too and get a lot of help and support from DH and when needed from my parents. But I do make sure to be very involved nonetheless and I know exactly what our financial situation is and check bank accounts fairly regularly. I really think you need to get more involved OP even if it is difficult, if there is any way you can manage it, like getting DH to sit down with you every now and then and have a look at bank statements together or something like that even? Really sad to hear that the money is gone, and sad to hear about your fertility troubles. DH and I do not have any children yet and I am undergoing fertility tests at the moment myself.

If you are going to save you need a savings account away from your main account that he can't take money out of.

I will foreword this to say I have no idea what your LDs are, but if it means you have difficulty dealing with money and your partner with no LDs has taken your money to just spend on ' stuff', do you need to see someone to help you at least talk through how you can be a bit more financially independent?

Is it cash withdrawals? Or can you see on the statement what shops it has gone to?

I would be bloody fuming and would re-evaluate the need to have a child with somebody so unthinking of your needs

Perhaps you want to rethink what this relationship is good for. I'm sorry the situation is painful, I would feel very betrayed.

Seems your partner doesn't want to try for a baby right now. Maybe you can talk him around but maybe you can't. I don't like persuading people, so I would probably go for the 'No Baby' option.

OP did not ask WWYD and I can't say what OP should do, either.

I agree that a child doesn't sound like a good idea at the moment till you get a grip on your finances and general agreements on spending money. You can't be very hard up if you manage to save £2K in a few months. Could you ask a relative or good friend to help you with finances so you can be involved with help. No point in starting saving again and leaving everything up to your partner as the same thing could happen again,.

What a massive breach of trust. :(

Completely understand why you'd be gutted.

Don't have a baby with this man.

for you, you must be gutted.

I have learning difficulties so hence easier for DP to handle money.

It wouldn't matter even if you were conjoined fucking twins - YOU need to learn how to manage your finances for your own wellbeing. Being a vulnerable adult means it is even more imperative that you get the outside, professional help you need to be in control of your finances and life. If he left you tomorrow - what would you do? How would you cope? What and how much money would you have access to?

your dp has been lying to you and spending the money on things you don't know about....and because YOU don't know anything about your finances, be prepared for him to turn it round and make you feel responsible and guilty - 'well where did you think the money for x/y/z came from?'

it's incredibly easy to control, manipulate and trap people simply by keeping them ignorant of their finances.

you need outside help to manage your finances - you're also a parent which means you NEED to be in control of your life as much as possible. you can't keep depending on others - you can't guarantee they will always be there or will always have your best interests at heart. You also don't need to manage the finances on your own, there are agencies and support workers who will work with you regularly to help you manage your finances.

it doesn't sound like your dp respects you - otherwise he would have discussed it each time he felt the need to dip into the IVF money.

Good Post, DMM1.