Ok am I being a bitch??

[shazzarooney99]

Ok currently I work 30 plus hours a week, we have a son on the spectrum, i take time off work to take him to appointments, i do all the shopping and mostly do the 1-1 with my son, going out ect.

My partner had a heart attack over a year ago, suffer agrophobia, so spends all his time at home, partner says he feels like cindarella because hes doing all the cleaning, but hes at home no children, i run around like a blue assed fly.

Am i being mean? BY LETTING HIM DO ALL THE CLEANING?

No! If you are working, plus doing the childcare, then he can pull his weight and do the cleaning. Even he does only one hour a day, then that gives him the rest of the day to watch This Morning, Escape to the Country Etc

I feel like telling him to do one, because i feel like hes taking the piss royal, its my holidays now and yet i have to spend most of it cleaning, because he does the bare minimum.

why does he think,he shouldn't do the cleaning? Does he do any chores around the house? Cooking? Childcare? Etc

What steps can/could he take to address the agoraphobia? Is he unable to leave the house for other reasons. It sounds a wearying situation. What ideas does he have to change things, other than you running yourself ragged?

by cleaning, does he mean cleaning up,after meals, or dusting, hoovering etc.

I don't think it is unreasonable for him to do the bulk of the cleaning. I wonder if it is the how he spends the rest of his time that really makes him feel like Cinderella. Does he have any hobbies or other activities he could do at home so that he feels his day has a purpose other than cleaning?

He does the pots, cooks meals, does the washing and occ does the bathroom and living room.

I think you need to calm down, forget about telling him to "do one" and have some proper conversations where you really listen to each other without jumping down each other's throats.

He has had a heart attack which presumably lost him his job, now has a severely incapacitating mental health difficulty and is confined to the house. He must be utterly miserable and depressed. He has no work or outside interests to get him up in the morning and give him motivation to keep on keeping on. Just the cleaning. I totally understand what he is saying about feeling like Cinderella. He needs more in his life than cleaning. Is he getting any medical or psychological support with the agoraphobia? Is he exploring work or study he can do from home e.g an Open University course. He can't go on like this.

You are too busy. You are angry with your H because his illnesses have put all the burden of work and shopping and your child's appointments onto you.

But he is not your skivvy. When you are both home, you should share the cleaning. Not you do it all, not him, fair shares.

Shopping - he can do an internet shop every week.

1-1 with your son - he can do stuff with him in the house even if you have to do the trips out.

But really, think long term. You both need to come up with some strategies for how he is going to rejoin the world and get himself out of this black hole he is in at the moment.

I would expect him to,do,that even if he did have a job! Amelia has a good,point to making his day worthwhile. Is he addressing,his agoraphobia?

Nope he does nothing, i have been managing to get him into the supermarket late at night, he was having treatment but the person he was speaking to left, to be honest i think hes n the spectrum himself, the reason he is like this is with all the stress of our son, but why should i have to deal with everything? i feel resentful, the only time i have off is the kids hols and then im spending it cleaning if i dont it doesnt get done. He thinks hes run ragged, yet he can be at home and can pick and choose, i cant and im running myself into the ground, i had a doctor at the hospital tell me hed seen men in the army look like me that just dropped dead!

When I had agoraphobia, having to make sure my ds got to places meant that I couldn't allow the agoraphobia to take hold.

Otherwise I'd be still indoors, for sure.

I don't know what the answer for you is, but setting some responsibility for things that have to be done outdoors and among people will help him long term.

You do sound run-ragged, and resentful. I think you need a serious conversation about where to go next.

Get back,to,the doctors and get some help. Be pushy and keep asking.

talk to,him about what you do and explain that how,you feel. He's not the only one suffering. He needs to understand that you work and already have one child to look after, not two. He needs to fulfil his share of responsibility.

I know,it won't be won't be easy, but good luck to,you.

Hope,you manage to,find some time to,relax this weekend.

How old is DS? Is the situation likely to change as he gets older? Is more support from outside likely to become available?

Does DH live like a hermit. Or is he on the internet 10 hours a day. The cleaning you list wouldn't fill a day.

Surely his GP will arrange some support or counseling. Or maybe he can contact someone else who has the same probs, make a support group.

Most people who have heartattacks go back to a life with more exercise and healthier eating. How can he achieve this?

It sounds like you are both unhappy with your lives and taking it out on and blaming the other. Probably with talking and working together you might improve things.

Can I ask for some more background on him - did he have a job up until the heart attack?

What were the reasons given for the heart attack? (i.e, is he still at risk?)
What are his plans for the future?

I know this seems all about him, but it is necessary to see whether your obvious and understandable resentment is something that can be overcome or if he really is just a cocklodger.

Ds is 8 and im worrying if he gets bigger and his behaviour gets worst, he will really hurt someone, he often trys to kill himself, or throws things at us, he split my head open with a pair of scissors when they broke up half day.

Partners heart attack was due to smoking and stress. hes stopped smoking now, he haddnt worked for a couple of years before the heart attack xx

I really can't see how it's your responsibility to sort everything out including DH's life, sounds like you've got more than enough on your plate. He should definitely be doing the cleaning, he's got all day and the exercise will be good for his heart condition.

Yeh well thats what i though, except im coming home to a mess and end up most of the holidays cleaning and thats why i get resentful. xx

That's not on.

The mess that is, not,your resentment.

You are not being a bitch. I wouldn't be happy with that set up either.