How to tell my best friend I am pregnant

[4ChucksnaTomatoPlant]

She had a very traumatic ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage last year and has been struggling with depression ever since.

We've been best friends since we were 10. She has always been worried about trying to conceive because of a family history, so it's an anxiety that has always been there.

I have a DD who is 3 and when I was pregnant with her it wasn't as bad becaus although my BF was anxious about her ability to fall pregnant, she and her then BF were only just planning their wedding etc and didn't intent to try for at least another year.

She was thrilled when she got pregnant and then it ended horribly.

I have no idea how to tell her, I don't want to hurt her but I know it will. She has already come off Facebook and cut off friends who are insensitive and talk babies all the time.

She buys DD Xmas and birthday presents but never wants to see her. We speak almost everyday and see each other quite regularly but always alone or with friends. She hasn't asked how DD is since October. This makes me feel sad and a little bit resentful although I remind myself it's nothing compared to how she feels. I'm aware that's pretty selfish of me.

I was thinking of going round to her house and sitting down to tell her but don't know if I should do it another way so she can shout and ball without me there?

What on earth will I say?!

I am really happy to be pregnant and we are so excited, but this is all I can think about.

I think the text by antiqueroad above is ideal. Use a casual text and finish off with hope to see you soon. Don't make a big deal out of it, don't give a sorry you'll be hurt speech.

I have been in this position and always took it well when someone announced their pregnancies but still agree with those saying that your friend would probably want to adjust to the news alone.

I would have hated to meet up with a friend and they announce it straight away and then there are hours to go where you have to put on a brace face.

Brave face sorry

A card is a nice idea if you know she will struggle.

Call. Definitely call.

I've been on the receiving end of texts and calls and emails from
People who presumed (rightly) that I would find the news difficult. Definitely call. That way you've shown enough respect and courage to tell her in person but she can put down the phone and bawl. She doesn't have to hold her face in front of you.

Congratulations wishing you an easy pregnancy.

For me, this depends on your friend and how she would feel. Receiving this news when your struggling is difficult and everyone will handle it differently. You know your friend, you are the best person to judge the best way for her

We struggled to Concieve and I would have found a text a cold way to tell me. I would have preferred a call. That way I could still get away from the conversation quickly to compose myself and then meet with you later.

An email wouldn't be the way for me. And text would only work if worded really really carefully. But it depends on how texty she is.

I've been in simular situation on both sides, I think a card in the post would be a nice way to tell her,I feel it shows some thoughtfulness. How do you normally communicate? Because a text or email might be appropriate too.
Congratulations

I have struggled to get pregnant for 6 years and I have also had a TFMR in 2014 but I am pregnant after 2 rounds of IVF. One of my close friends is also going through donor egg ivf. I had no idea how to break it to my friend knowing that it was really raw for her. I didn't want to put her on the spot by phoning so I decided to text. I think it was the kindest way and it was how I would want to be told.
Your friend isn't going to rant at you and it probably isn't a shock for her. She will be happy for you but sad for herself. Infertility is a cruel and lonely condition so to have some compassion for her feelings is to your credit

I like belikethatthen's recommendation. That way I can get the shock out of the way in private and meet up when I'm ready and prepared

Last September myself and DH were told we may never have our own child. We told our families.
My cousin was also struggling with secondary infertility so we messaged frequently and tried to be each other's shoulder.
In November my cousin phoned me to tell me they had fallen pregnant. At first I couldn't respond and then the tears started. She let me do the crying I needed and then I congratulated her and then when we finished talking she sent me a copy of her scan because I had asked her to. I was the first person in our family that she told.

Only you will know the best way to approach this with her. I'm not going to lie and say it won't hurt her because it will but if she is a good friend she will understand it is a happy thing for you and she shouldn't make you feel bad about it.

Congratulations x

I've had to do this recently with a friend who is going through secondary infertility. I sent her a message via Facebook as that's how we normally communicate and arrange to meet up. I asked how she was etc and said I just wanted to let her know that we were expecting number two and that I wanted to tell her before announcing it etc etc. I said I'd love to meet up with her soon and for her to contact me if she felt she'd like to see me.
She didn't reply for some hours and I was really worried but then she sent me the most lovely understanding message I could have wished for and it made me cry. All she asked was that I send some baby dust her way.
I think text or email is the way to go because I am sure my friend would have struggled to react on the phone or face to face and my message gave her time to compose such a lovely response which she needn't have done but she's the sort who would be mortified if she didn't seem pleased for me. I'm lucky to have such a friend and so is yours for you to be thinking of her feelings.

I've had 8mc, still ttc dc1.

My housemate told me (face to face) that she's pregnant yesterday. She'd already said a few things to make suspect she was, and I think she'd probably done that on purpose so I could prepare (we're very close).

It worked, I was able to test out my reaction first (many many tears in private, smiles and laughs with her).

The tears are not because she is pregnant, they are because it reminds me that I am not. I am 100% happy for her, but I cry for my own losses. A previous poster wrote that mentioning her infertility was humiliating - I totally agree. I feel such a failure in my inability to have children, that I don't want someone who managed to get pregnant (easily or not) to mention it.

I would definitely advise as previous posters. Make comments to give her cause to suspect, then announce via email or a phone call.

It's horrible that you have to be thinking about her whilst you're going through such an exciting time, but she will appreciate the forethought I'm sure.

Please dont text.
Its very cold and impersonal. So many people use texting as a 'get out'.
Its weak and spineless.
Call by phone and speak. You have known each other long enough and I think it shows more respect for your friendship.
Im sure she will be pleased for you.

Reading the actual OP, with no reference to how I would personally like to be told, I think your friend would prefer a text or email. I mean for gods sake if she's struggling to speak on the phone/in person about your existing did she's not going to want to speak about your pregnancy. Text or email give her the option to acknowledge your pregnancy but carry on not speaking about your dcs if that is what she wishes. Incidentally, well done to both of you for managing to keep the friendship going.

I would send a group text to all your friends to tell them, that way you treat her normally and also give her time to come to terms with it before you see her in person.

I am struggling to conceive and a very good friend recently fell pregnant completely out of the blue. She told me by phone, left me alone so I could just let my reaction out and then came to see me to check I was ok. I think this worked because I stayed calm on the phone, cried by myself then managed to put a smile on when I saw her. It meant she acknowledged that it was hard news to hear for me but also gave me time to show that rationally, I am happy for her - her situation and mine are not connected in any way.

Issues around babies, fertility and loss are never rational. Your friend needs to know in a way that shows how much your friendship means to you, but also be given the space to deal with her own reaction. Then you can see her, tell her you know it hurts and ask her how she wants you to approach this with her.

Please dont text. Its very cold and impersonal. So many people use texting as a 'get out'. Its weak and spineless.

As many people struggling to conceive have said (including me), we'd prefer to receive the news by text. It isn't weak and spineless to take a course of action that people who've been in the situation recommend. The motive isn't to get out of a hard conversation, it's to allow the friend time to respond to the news without having to put a brace face on it.

Thank you so much for all your replies and different points of view, it has really helped. Sorry I haven't posted this before now, I have been reading on my phone but yesterday turned out to be very chaotic and I couldn't type out a reply!

I am so sorry to hear some of your stories but I do appreciate you giving me your insight

I've been thinking about how all your advice would relate to me and my friend and I do think that she really will find it very difficult to hide her emotions and fake any "pleased for you" front to me, so I do think she will prefer to have time to digest it alone. I also think she would be pretty shocked if I didn't acknowledge her problems when telling her the news, so I shouldn't just text it without letting her know i appreciate it will be difficult for her.

She is a very dedicated and thoughtful friend and she doesn't take kindly to anybody half-assing a friendship and I feel like she personally would always want to convey news herself face-to-face so I should probably do the same for her.

The two conclusions are quite contradictory, so I think the best way to go about it is to call round when I know she is in and when her husband is around. Tell her the news and leave her to digest. I'll tell her that I'll wait for her to get in touch and she can talk about it or not talk about it as much as she wants.

I do have a strong feeling though that I won't hear from her. At least not for a very long time, which makes me so sad. She has been in a very bad place and I have been around to witness how she has reacted to everything else and I think this will be too much for.

So I'll just make sure she knows I'll always be there no matter how long it takes.

Thank you again. My pregnancy hormones are getting the better of me and I'm feeling very emotional about it all so I will sign off now

xx

I've had trouble conceiving (4 years worth). I would never resent anyone being able to conceive. I don't want their pregnancy or their baby! However their good news really highlighted how rubbish my own body was and how upsetting/frustrating the struggle was. Every failed cycle held a huge amount of grief.

I would be find with a text or email but maybe a card would be nicer.

I would never want my loved ones to have the same struggles that I have had. It's nothing to do with begrudging and everything to do with feeling like someone is missing from my life. It's like carrying a heavy weight constantly

I think your plan is good. Telling her face to face and letting her know that you appreciate that she may need time away from you is the right thing to do for your friend as you know her, we do not. I know that my friend would have been hurt if I'd just sent her a letter or left a message on her answering machine (this was waaayyy before cellphones or the internet!) even though I wasn't aware of her situation at the time.

My friend took the time she needed to digest my news and get her own head settled around it. When she called me I won't say that she was super-overjoyed and enthusiastic, but she was truly happy for me and able to share in my pregnancy and the birth of my son with her own quiet happiness.

So tell her in person when her DH is there to support her. Even if she gets upset and asks you to leave you'll have the peace of knowing you've done the right thing.