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Original poster

How to tell my best friend I am pregnant

70 replies

4ChucksnaTomatoPlant · 25/03/2016 11:15

She had a very traumatic ectopic pregnancy and miscarriage last year and has been struggling with depression ever since.

We've been best friends since we were 10. She has always been worried about trying to conceive because of a family history, so it's an anxiety that has always been there.

I have a DD who is 3 and when I was pregnant with her it wasn't as bad becaus although my BF was anxious about her ability to fall pregnant, she and her then BF were only just planning their wedding etc and didn't intent to try for at least another year.

She was thrilled when she got pregnant and then it ended horribly.

I have no idea how to tell her, I don't want to hurt her but I know it will. She has already come off Facebook and cut off friends who are insensitive and talk babies all the time.

She buys DD Xmas and birthday presents but never wants to see her. We speak almost everyday and see each other quite regularly but always alone or with friends. She hasn't asked how DD is since October. This makes me feel sad and a little bit resentful although I remind myself it's nothing compared to how she feels. I'm aware that's pretty selfish of me.

I was thinking of going round to her house and sitting down to tell her but don't know if I should do it another way so she can shout and ball without me there?

What on earth will I say?!

I am really happy to be pregnant and we are so excited, but this is all I can think about.

OP posts:
littleleftie · 25/03/2016 15:28

I had a very similar situation and no bloody way would I have texted my friend. I doubt she would ever have spoken to me again if I had done that.

I agree with PP, only you know OP how your friend will react and what is the best method of communication. I quite like the idea of sending her a card. It is thoughtful and gives her the opportunity to absorb it without making a holy show of herself or in any way responding in a way that she might later regret.

Congratulations. Flowers

Msrichardofyork · 25/03/2016 15:40

notime that's admirable but other people react differently. Do you know what? I completely resented other people's good fortune, I did find their pregnancies hard and I raged at the fact that my baby died when theirs lived. I was never unreasonable or unkind to my friends, but I'm not sorry if my grief was considered the ugly type.

I do agree that you need to take the other person's personality into account. But a good friend should have the ability to look past any bitterness and see that the other person is hurting desperately. I am so lucky that my friends have done exactly that and allowed me to come back into their lives as and when I've been able too.

I'm fortunate now to be pregnant myself - with my third - but have friends struggling to conceive their first or going through MCs, and this has made me very mindful of how they might respond to my news. Of course I'd like them to take into account the horrific struggle I've been through and find it in their hearts to be happy for me, but I also know that it doesn't always work like that and grief/infertility isn't always rational. And I wouldn't dream of holding that against them.

Msrichardofyork · 25/03/2016 15:41

able to

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 25/03/2016 15:49

You shouldn't feel in any way guilty about your news, her fertility issues do not stem from you. f she chooses to cut people off then she is only making herself more miserable. Meet her, or ring her if you can't face that, and say something along the lines of "I wanted to tell you first as I know it will cause you some sadness

If she shouts and balls at you you can tell her she is being unreasonable. That whilst you understand her grief she has no right to be angry... and then walk away. But please don't second guess her, assume you know how she will react. Treat her as a friend... don't text!

Please please please don't do this!

Follow the advice of others.

As someone who has had numerous miscarriages, a sleeping baby, please don't follow the above advice and certainly don't tell them they are being unreasonable Shock

lorelei9here · 25/03/2016 15:52

wow to some of these responses
I'd phone and say "I've got something important to tell you but I didn't want to put you on the spot by saying it in person". Then tell her. Then tell her if she needs to hang up and rant for a bit, it's fine and be sure to show that you understand it's hard on her.

unless, as some pp have said, she really hates the phone. The thing is text or email seems a bit impersonal ..and also you have no idea if she's going to read it at a bad time. You can call and ascertain what she's doing, who she's with, or at least find a good time to call.

YakTriangle · 25/03/2016 15:53

Telling her via text or email is far kinder because she can process the information in her own time. I'm sure she would rather not have to either plaster on a happy face for you or try not to cry or get angry with you present.

antiqueroadhoe · 25/03/2016 16:08

Agree with Yak

Primaryteach87 · 25/03/2016 16:12

I've also been both sides. A posted card would give her space to react but seems more caring than a text.

X

alphabook · 25/03/2016 16:35

notime not everyone is the same as you, and reacts the same way as you. Some people cope with with infertility/miscarriage better than others, it doesn't make them bad people.

I read this recently, and it might be a good insight into how your friend is feeling: funnymatters.co.uk/an-open-apology-to-my-friends-with-babies

Personally I would cope with the news much better by text or email, as it would give me a chance to cope with the "winded" feeling without having to immediately put on a brave face. But if your friend isn't a technology/social media person then phone would probably be best. And I wouldn't mention her infertility issues, it would probably make her feel worse.

PurpleDaisies · 25/03/2016 16:38

And I wouldn't mention her infertility issues, it would probably make her feel worse.
Yes I agree, and I'd add don't try and make it sound like being pregnant is a real drag to make her feel better.

Milzilla · 25/03/2016 16:40

Text.

Don't say it's happy news - it is for you but not necessarily her.

No scan pic.

Congratulations x

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 25/03/2016 16:41

But seriously DON'T say 'you may find this hard' or make reference to her infertility unless she brings it up. It's so fucking patronising.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 25/03/2016 16:52

Don't say it's happy news - it is for you but not necessarily her

Really? Would a good friend of yours really feel like that about you having a child? That its bad news? Sorry, buts that's just getting ridiculous now.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/03/2016 16:52

I found out I was (unexpectedly) pregnant at same time my BFF was told that she was infertile. I wasn't aware she was having 'female problems' (as opposed to TTC problems) as we lived quite a distance from her and she just never mentioned it. Having children was massively important to both of us.

I called to tell her my 'good news' obvs not knowing what she had been told just a few hours earlier. She blurted her news out, told me 'I'm sorry, but I can't be happy for you right now' and that she would call me when she'd had a chance to work things out for herself, which she did some weeks later. I wasn't hurt because I knew how I'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot.

Please don't tell your friend in a text or email. That's just so impersonal. Have the courage to tell her by phone. Tell her you understand that it may be a hard thing for her to hear, that you don't expect her to be happy for you right now but that you wanted her to know. Tell her you understand and will not be hurt if she needs time and doesn't want to talk about it (or with you) for awhile.

antiqueroadhoe · 25/03/2016 16:55

Just text the information without saying how you're feeling (obvious) or how you think she might react. Perhaps suggest to meet up in a couple of weeks or whatever would be normal in the friendship

"Hiya, wanted to let you know I'm pregnant and he/she is due to arrive in September. Hope all's well with you and to catch up in a couple of weeks"

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 25/03/2016 17:15

But people aren't saying 'don't tell her by phone' because it's hard to SAY but because it's hard to HEAR. Some people just need a bit of time to get their game face on.

And I still think anything 'supportive' is patronising/assumptive and frankly clumsy. I had a friend who did this. 'I'm sorry, I hope you're ok with this.' Why the fuck do I have to make it ok for you?

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 25/03/2016 17:30

Really? Would a good friend of yours really feel like that about you having a child? That its bad news? Sorry, buts that's just getting ridiculous now.

Yes you would really feel like that! No it isn't being ridiculous at all.

salsamillions · 25/03/2016 17:38

With all my heart I implore you to utterly ignore OurBlanche advice. Goodness me, I'm shocked by the empathy free zone!

For Christ sake TEXT her with a breezy announcement and put in the text that you'll ring her later, very excited etc.

I have been in your friend's shoes and whilst she wants HER baby, not yours, a text gives her time to rush off and scream and cry "WHY NOT ME?" and then calm down and share your happiness.

Notimefortossers · 25/03/2016 17:39

I think if there's one thing this thread has highlighted OP, it's that everyone would feel differently in your friends situation and would prefer to hear your news via different channels.

I think you're just going to have to try and make a decision based on what you know of your friend and what you think she'd want and would cope best with

salsamillions · 25/03/2016 17:41

Well no not really as the vast majority of people who have actually been through this have said text, in the first instance.

Notimefortossers · 25/03/2016 17:44

Well I've been through it and I think text is just about the worst, most horrible way I could possibly find out

alphabook · 25/03/2016 17:45

If a friend of mine got pregnant quickly/unexpectedly, the news would be very bittersweet. I think the link I posted earlier describes it perfectly in my experience - it feels like being physically winded, you just want to run away and howl like a wounded animal. Not to say I'm not happy for them at the same time, but those painful feelings are still there.

OP, please take the advice of the people on this thread who have actually been in your friend's place, and not those who think they know how she "should" be feeling.

OurBlanche · 25/03/2016 17:48

Good grief! Why ignore me? I am not an empathy free zone, I am just giving my opinion on how one way OP can discuss this with her friend without feeling as though having got some news to share is the worst thing she could do!

Breezy texts etc would probably have made me hunt you down for a good wet kippering.

But I suspect you are all making assumptions...

OP will have to work out how to do this, there is no right or wrong way. But please, don't try to make me look like a monster, that is ridiculous. Especially as I have not suggested being rude, and have explained that I don't understand or partake much of the modern social media stuff. Many don't!

Chocolatteaddict1 · 25/03/2016 17:50

dontcare no sorry, I didn't feel like that. Go read my first post.

Op knows how her friend will react although I gather her friends behaviour is starting to get a bit too much. Not every one who can't have kids/struggling with fertility considers other folk having children 'bad news' .

If I thought one of my friends thought me having a baby was bad news then I'd have to leave them alone. I have every empathy with women who have fertility issues, I lived with being told I would never get pregnant for ten years. Then to suffer two ruptured eptopics and a miscarriage. I would never view my friends/family having a baby as bad news. Ever. And I would never let them feel guilty or ashamed either.

2ManySweets · 25/03/2016 17:53

I think Flutter, one of the third or fourth pps nails it.

A card is IMHO the best way forward. Wish I'd done this as I've had a friendship fail to repair after I botched the announcement to her when I have reason to believe she was ttc.

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