Just made complete dick/grovelling idiot of myself

[Haribogirl]

Don't want to drip, so posted previous post to give you bit off background

www.mums-net.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2488494-Mortgage-dispute-dp-me
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2595331-Tonight-found-keepsake-card-in-DP-wallet
Last Sat night sent partner email as I can not get any way forward with him(as he never gives me any indication of his feeling/thoughts
I put that
I'm willing to move on only if it's me and only me
We put 100% into making it work
Sell the house, move, 50/50 split new house (dot on current house)

So since last Saturday Partner said we would have a chat sometime.soon
We have still been talking(just general stuff) he's been doing shopping, I've been doing shopping, both been cooking.
So for the last year this is how things have been
Getting on, going out together(although not as much as we did), doing our separate things.
Arguement, no speaking.
Getting on , going out together, doing our separate things
Arguement, no speaking

The arguements are always about the house and my DOT,

So tonight I mention when he comes back from his walk we will have that chat.
So I start with can we ever sort this mess out and move on, With the things I mentioned in email
Don't want to drip
Things he's said are
He will never ever forgive me for getting police to house last year when I found out he lied to my face where he had been for the day, which lead to massive arguement which he ended up saying he'd get a gun and shoot me and my family
Police asked problem, and I told them what he'd said
Story short. He got arrested. I was so upset, but it got took out of my hands because of what he had said he'd do. I never took it any further and all charges were dropped. He was advised by police to speak things though with me about relationship. He did , lead me to believe things were OK again.(needed to explain this to put you in picture)

He brought this up, and said he'd never forgive me for ruining he's years of no police record.
Brought up the Dot , to which I've explained again that's only in the event off
But will/can not see this.
I told him tonight that
I will I'd get rid of Dot and do 50/50 split of house and then buy new house 50/50
I got from him, your forgetting one thing
You have tried to cheat me out of my 50%, never thought of me owning 50% of this house.
I can't forget that. I've got that hanging over my head that you can call the police again when we have an arguement and get me arrested again.
He also said
If I told anybody what you've just gone on about for last 2 hours they would say
What's she on
Turn out he's told mates?? And they've said You can't have that hanging over you
I told him how I wanted it to work again between us, how much I still loved him and how saddened about how this as all come about, thinking about it at the time brought tears to my eyes, I was told oh not the tears. Why can he not see how upset/emotional I feel is real. I've all but grovelled to try and explain things/mistakes.

So what I said about dot was not enough, but yet he's not ever once said
It's over, it's finished, Why???
Wtf is he playing at?
He says he's taking each day as it comes.

I'm so sad how it's turned out probably through my terminology of words I've used in the past about the house, and he's taken the wrong way, to being so angry at the way I feel I've grovelled and tried to explain myself and got nowhere with him.

Sorry for waffling, I've nobody to share this whole mess with, family are to close

You end it and be proud of it. What is with the shame of who ended it? Is he just looking for another tool to beat you with? At some point you really should just stop listening to him. He is not on your side, he is not on your team, he is not your friend...and you can not make him. Cut him loose so he can use someone else-and then you get to open up your own life to positive possibilities.

When someone expresses pride in lack of police record...that is surely an indication of the type of person he is concealing behind a fake facade. Well, in his case, it appears the facade has crumbled away. Understand that the facade, the person you thought he was, is not the reality of this bloke. He has no interest in playing the Fake Him anymore. He sees how much shit you will take, and you have been taking more and more and more. Just stop. Enough is enough.

It is good you are feeling the anger. Just know that your anger is not going to change him or change the dynamic of your relationship-he is controlling that and has made it clear that he isn't going to change anything about that. It is over. Use the energy of your anger to get out.

Move back to near your family. Don't let their opinions of shame that you "failed" stop you. That is peanuts compared to the price of staying with this bloke. Failed relationships can happen to anyone.

So when is he going to take responsibility for threatening to kill your family ?

Why on earth are you giving anything , including the time of day, to this bullying, cheating waste of space ?

Why ARE you putting up with this shit?

He threatened to shoot you! You need to wise up and get out in any way you can.

Op - why does it matter who ends it? Are you so afraid of people/family/friends thinking that he ended it? Who cares? Really - do you really think anyone out there gives a single whole second of thought to who ends it?

End it yourself. Stop with the 'but I love him' and the blaming yourself.

End it.

The biggest regret in my life is not walking away from bad situations sooner, clinging on to hope that I would be able to salvage something and allowing myself to drag it out a couple of years.

You need to just cut the crap and walk away.

Your internal monologue is distracting and delaying by fixating on what he said/you said...almost like its a kind of tit for tat back and forth in your mind. You're not seeing the situation with the clarity you need.

Summon up your energy, your anger, your self respect. Who TF does this horribly guy think he is, treating you like this?

I suppose it just me, I know that the people he will say this to mean nothing to me.
And like you say if he thought just a little bit of me, he wouldn't treat me the way his does.

I've purposely stayed out of his way this morning so not to engage with him.
I got told
I'll call for the salmon from sainsburys and the wine, I just looked at him.
When he came back after his lunch I then got told s... Just been on phone and I going for game of tennis.

What is he playing at?? This is what I have to put up with?? He carrys on like nothing's been said.
Is this how he copes? Because it's doing my head in.
If somebody is pleasant with me, I can't be nasty back it's not in me
I know I know I'm pathetic.
I need to stop thinking why is he acting like he's my friend again?

I don't know where to start,
I can't stay with family as there's no room for Son and I, and I wouldn't like to invade people homes and the upheaval it involves.
So only option is to rent somewhere, I've a little money not much.
Most flats/houses are minimum 6 mths rental, so with that and paying to run it all that I have will be gone in less than that.
Knowing him though and how stubborn he is, he will fight me till the death just to prove point believe me.
He is so determined in everything he does, and never backs down to anybody and hold grudges from years back. Not just me, other people.
It could end up costing me most of my equity in solicitors fees,
This is my fear, this is holding me back also.

Thank you for pointing things out to me, sometimes you have to see the written down

Are you married? Is he on the deeds of the house? If not, I would just get rid & never look back, he doesn't seem to add anything to your life. The thing about the police record is bizarre - not having a criminal record is the norm

he'd never forgive me for ruining he's years of no police record typical from an abuser. He makes unspeakable threats and then put the responsibility on you. He chose to threaten you and he now refuses to deal with the consequences of his behaviour. Call women's aid 08082000247 they can help you to understand the situation better and if you want to make plans to live. Violence often escalate more and more so keep safe.

Is his name on the deeds?

Honestly, you will feel so much better with him gone. Why would you and your son have to leave?

To start, you need to emotionally detach and disengage.
You do not need his permission to end the relationship. You do not need his agreement that the relationship is over. It is done: end of. His tennis, tea and tantrums are all inconsequential, irrelevant and just, well, so what? His sound waves floating around the in the air do not govern you. Stop listening to him.

His pretending everything is fine/nothing has happened is a manipulation tactic to keep you in your place and have you shut the f*ck up. It is stonewalling however pleasantly disguised. It should not affect you as you are done.

Make a To Do List and get started on it. Women's Aid sounds like the first thing. And I will suggest to ask your family. Give them a chance to answer instead of presuming to know their mind so much...give them that respect. It is ok if they say no, but you know, they might surprise you and say yes.

Well, I will amend the sound waves...he did threaten you in a very serious way. That can not be ignored. It was well done that the police were involved. The sound waves I was meaning would be the day to day contrariness to anything you suggest.

While all this is going on your son is learning how women should be treated, OP. I know it is hard breaking up a life and starting again, but the idea of putting all that hard work into bringing up a child for him to end up an abusive cunt is even more horrible.

Who owns your house then? I do think you need legal advice about it and you could start with CAB, Women's Aid and maybe a free half-hour with a solicitor.

Hi

I know it's a pain but if you read the thread. Mortgage dispute it will give you some idea.

Not married, there's not a chance on earth he will leave(we are dealing with a super stubborn 61 year old man who thinks what he says is right.
For instance when he realised about exactly what the dot meant, he accused me and solicitor of being devious bitches.
I tried to explain that's it's really irrelevant as it only in the event off
Currently I own my half share outright(my deposit) and he at that moment in time only owned 25% and bs owned the other 25% until the mortgage was paid off
He couldn't get his head round this and kept saying I was fleecing him, he paying the mortgage but only owning 25%. Never going to happen and will see me in court.
I couldn't get him to understand yes we both own 50/50 but at present time it's
50%/25% bs 25%
This as been thrown in my face what a con artist I am, fleecing him for months.
We own the house 50/50 and I'm getting my 50%.share.

last night when he said
House worth 250k
125k me. 125K him and he pay outstanding mortgage out of his 125k

Few things about house
We are both on the mortgage, I put my money down as the deposit.
Was advised by solicitor to do dot for my 80k, in the event off
He took out a mortgage for the remaining 80k, but we are both on mortgage.
Only he pays the mortgage, as this was the arrangement over 13 years ago .
He didn't want me paying half mortgage because solicitor pointed out that then my % would be 75% and he said no he would pay all.

I rang women's aid last year, I really was not impressed with advice they gave me.
I asked about solicitors, to be told they just use local solicitors.

I've had legal advice previously, so sort of know where I stand on that
Re the deed of trust.

After Easter I need to get some more solicitors advice re
He's mentioned that he's been told that I should pay him back 13 years half mortgage payments because my names on mortgage and it doesn't mention in dot that the mortgage payments are solely his.

I've not engaged all day with him
When he came in from tennis, I was doing garden.
He asked did I want my salmon putting under grill. aghhh

Get your house docs.
See a solicitor ang get advice about selling a jointly owned house in the face if a relationship breakdown with a non cooperative other party.
It can be done just might take a bit of effort.
Put the house up for sale.
Move into separate rooms if you can.
Close any joint accounts if you have any. Get all your other financial and personal info and put somewhere safe.
Make sure your will is up to date.
Disengage
Let him cook the salmon, go out to get the shopping etc be polite, but disengage.

He knows that at 61 he might not even able to buy another place to live with the equity he would get - well that's not your problem.

He wants his cake and eat it ie your equity tied up keeping a roof over his head but him having the freedom to do his own thing,
No one can force you to continue in s relationship that you don't want to be in.

Perhaps you could consider the freedom program or done counselling to help to disengage from him.

about time you got rid of this arsehole instead of signing away yet more of your life and security to him.....

So as things stand

I've been to see solicitor today, free half hour
I had list of important questions, which I asked.
But for some reason I didn't quite gel/feel comfortable with the guy. I felt he somewhat confused me, and also what got me was he said
Wait for him to do something, (I'll be waiting forever) tell him to write down
Why does he disagree white dot, and why
What does he think he should get from the house sale, and why
Only thing of interet he did say was, the courts font take the interested he's paid into account for taking out the mortgage.. He thinks he's getting it all back upto date 88k

Partner and I have only spoke very few words to each other in the last few days.

He's for some reason decided to tell me before he's going out where he's going?
And also new house insurance came through, I just left it on side
He then said , have you left them there to see if you can get it cheaper elsewhere!
Er no I'm not interested. He decided to do it himself, one question was
Anybody in the house been convicted of offence
He asked me was the police incident a conviction or Caution.he then went to get his form from police(I didn't know he had one) on it was
Threatening to kill
I told him, he needs to take responsibility for your action, instead of blaming other people for them. I told you I'm not discussing that.

He's been going shopping, but really only buying his own things for lunch,tea

I've been doing the same, but I buy extras like crisps, biscuits, and the cheeky things helps himself.,

New month tomorrow, so I will not be putting any money in joint acct for food, and he will not be eating anything I buy, petty I know but he is so tight he will/as been buying bare minimum so can't have spent much.

So will be looking to go see another solicitor next week, to see if any other advice.

Good, don't lose momentum now, it's a shame the first solicitor didn't work out, but you'll get there

yes, sounds like the solicitor was useless, keep trying until you find one who is clear & you feel confident that s/he is on the ball

To force the sale of the house is quite inexpensive in terms of filling in and filing the papers. TBH even if you end up losing the 50% of the interest payments for the previous 13 years it will be worth it to get rid of this man!!!!