trapped friend?

[airedailleurs]

About a month ago I met up with a male friend I have known for some time. Just before the meeting he had told me via email he was getting married in the summer, which I had already guessed would be happening this year so had fully expected to hear this news.

When we were talking he was obviously not happy; his fiancee was on holiday that week and he hadn't gone with her as he thought the holiday was too expensive. He also complained about having to pay for an engagement ring and also about having to contribute financially towards the wedding (his fiancee's parents had given them some money for a deposit on the flat they now live in so he was therefore expected to cough up for the wedding).

He also said that his fiancee is not interested in discussing his work problems, and is generally too focused on her very demanding career to have time for him. We used to work together, so I know the people involved and am able to advise him and be understanding.

He has always been able to confide in me, and there is a definite attraction between us that we have never acted on although he has previously hinted that he would like to take things further. We are extremely compatible and have a great connection but I'm a lot older than him and hardly marriage material!

So, I was left firstly feeling quite concerned about him, as he had previously told me he felt trapped. I'm worried that he is marrying this woman for the wrong reasons.

Secondly, I just feel so jealous, although I try to rationalise the situation, I can't bear to think of them together and seeing a photo of them together just about kills me.

Part of me thinks he's asking me for help but I don't know what to say to him, beyond asking if he really wants to go through with the wedding...or should I just protect myself and not see him at all?

TIA for your thoughts!

[airedailleurs]

kept man? as in, he's after my money in return for services rendered?!

well that's something I'd never thought of; I've never given him the impression I have money!

[DontMindMe1]

he hadn't gone with her as he thought the holiday was too expensive. He also complained about having to pay for an engagement ring and also about having to contribute financially towards the wedding (his fiancee's parents had given them some money for a deposit on the flat they now live in so he was therefore expected to cough up for the wedding).

He sounds like a 'man' who will be financially abusive.....waaaay too many red flags in that short paragraph!

He knows he's got you hoodwinked because you didn't even set him straight about the above!

They both have good jobs, earn good money and have a house that was paid for.....yet he's refusing to go on a holiday he thinks is 'too expensive', he begrudges and is resentful of buying an ENGAGEMENT ring for the woman he has CHOSEN to marry - and you think HE is a 'victim'?!

'men' like ALWAYS have other women who will stroke their egos and pander to their 'needs' and take their side no matter what. Seems like you're one of them. He's playing you-plain and simple.

Try being blunt and pointing out his 'faults/mistakes/financially abusive, entitled arseholience to him...........then step back. i know you're both secretly getting off on being 'special' friends.....but you're being played for a fool and you can't even see it.

I think he wants us both for different reasons and is confused... yea right!

He's made his choice - he's choosing the woman with money who will give him the lifestyle he wants. YOU are the 'backup' he can get his kicks from whenever he has a row or falling out with his fiancee or whenever he wants his ego stroking.

i suppose in his mind he's playing the long game - once married he has claim over and has gained from her wealth and assets at no financial cost/loss to him. Maybe he plans to give it a couple of years before he files for divorce and half the marital assets. Maybe THEN he will choose to be with you....but i doubt it cos he knows you're falling for his shit, so he'll continue playing with you whilst partnering up with someone else

[LosingTheWillToSkate]

Nah mate the factor is that your pal isn't available for you to run off into the sunset with because he's marrying the woman he's in an actual relationship with. If you were truly his friend then you'd have stopped this nonsense at the start.

He probably didn't feel trapped when her family were providing him with a home. And if he felt truly aggrieved at paying for an engagement ring and wedding then he wouldn't be paying for them.

Your pal is telling you what you want to hear. Or you're interpreting it in a way which best suits your agenda.

[airedailleurs]

He's telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

History is we that there was a very strong immediate attraction when we first met and he definitely pursued me initially...I think he's making out to me that his relationship with her is an ordeal and exaggerating the negative aspects a) to make himself look like less of a player for pursuing me when he was already in a relationship and b) to try to make me feel better about the fact that he's getting married.

I think that with your help I've answered my own question so thank you!

[airedailleurs]

...and c) because he wants to carry on seeing me because I offer him emotional support and he likes the frisson...we'll see about that!

[Wdigin2this]

OMGoodness, pleeeeease walk away from this...it has all the hallmarks of becoming an embarrassing, humiliating and hurtful situation for you!

No matter what, the financial or emotional logistics are, they are for him to sort out, don't get involved....AT ALL!!!!!!!

Try to get passed your jealousy by asking yourself, how you'd feel if you got together with him, and found out he was talking to another mutual friend, in this way....about you!!

[seasideview]

1. He's trying to cheat on her, before they are even married.
   
2. He moans to you about having to buy her ring.
   
3. He moans to you about not affording the holiday.
   
4. He moans to you about the cost of the wedding.
   

=

He is hoping that if he gets into your pants, you will fall for him and then start to "lend" him money. Money that will go towards his wedding/honeymoon.

Then he will mysteriously vanish from your life.

How old are you both anyway?

[airedailleurs]

There is no way on earth I would lend this man money! I am already at his moaning about the cost of the engagement ring and wedding! As most of you have said, why go ahead if that's really what he thinks of this woman. And as I said in my OP, I am really doubting whether I should see him again at all!

If that's what he's after, he will be sadly disappointed. I have to say that I really hadn't thought he would stoop that low .

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

I think you need to step away from this 'friend'. Otherwise you're going to end up looking very foolish indeed.

I don't think you should see him again.

Think about it. Is it really likely that this man is going to go through with a wedding and a marriage to someone he doesn't want to be with and be that open about it?

Yes, some people do get married for the wrong reasons, but they don't usually advertise the fact in advance, they usually convince themselves and others that they're doing the right thing. The only reason this is ongoing is because you didn't call him on it when he first started on about it.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

Sorry, misread your last post! You're clearly thinking along those lines now anyway!

[airedailleurs]

The marriage thing has only just come up. I've know him for quite some time and known that he had a "girlfriend" he didn't see much as she has a demanding job, but he'd never mentioned engagement and wedding before. This obviously casts a whole new light on our relationship and what is and is not acceptable.

I still just find it so weird that he would complain to me about the cost of the ring and wedding! It hardly casts him in a good light does it? I almost want to see him again to see what he's going to come out with next!

[MistressDeeCee]

Ignorant, tightfisted, disloyal, big mouthed dickhead. Moaning to another woman about the woman he's going to marry.. he's cool about accepting money from her parents tho. She's got herself a bad bargain hasn't she? He is probably good at hiding his real mean, disrespectful face from her. You know what he is like though, don't you OP? From his nasty conversations with you about his own fiancee.

The fact you could even be attracted to a man like this, give him your time and your ear, is laughable. Pick your self-esteem up from the floor, get over yourself, and steer clear. Alternatively you could remain his confidante if it makes you feel good and attractive hearing him diss another woman. Shag him, then hopefully his fiancee will find out and dump the loser. Problem solved all round.

[airedailleurs]

I have already said that this is the first time I have seen this side of him! Hence my posting here in the first place! It seems so out of character and not in keeping with what I know of him so far...something is wrong that's for sure!

[SecretsAndStuff21]

I think this man is an attention seeker. He needs to be the seen as the poor underdog, that despite all his efforts to make his woman happy, is burdened down by her daring to have a moan about her job, having the brass neck to go on holiday( and leave him at home so he can say hey look at poor little me) and expecting her poor lamb to pay for her engagement ring.
Google Borderline Personality Disorder.( it is only a suggestion not a diagnosis ,but food for thought.)
The " frisson" is about him" projecting", don't be suckered in by it OP.

[airedailleurs]

Interesting...what do you mean about him "projecting" Secrets?

[airedailleurs]

just read a bit about BPD and comorbid promiscuity, I think we're onto something here...

[airedailleurs]

but why has he latched onto me??

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

Oh for goodness sake!

Are you seriously suggesting this man has a personality disorder based on this?

No one is onto anything. He's clearly not a very nice man, you clearly thought he was doing this because he secretly desires you, that theory has been shot down in flames, you feel a bit daft for having thought that and are now attempting to pathologise his unpleasant behaviour and diagnose him with a serious psychiatric condition.

He's latched onto you because you responded to him. Everyone else rolled their eyes and told him to fuck off.

[airedailleurs]

BPD was not my suggestion! However as I know him and you don't, I'm in a position to judge his past behaviour! I'm just trying to understand him as there is much more to this story than I have posted here!

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

No, I know it wasn't your suggestion, but you did accept it very willingly with your "I think we're onto something here..." Which does sound rather gleeful.

And no, I don't know him, but really? Does it matter? You don't need to understand him. There may be no understanding him.

Why is, "he's just not a very nice person" not good enough for you? Why does there need to be more? He clearly isn't a friend, just think, "bloody hell, I had no idea he is such a twat!" and walk away.

As much as anything, it's a waste of your life and your time. I do have a family member with BPD. I'm not going to go into details but the impact on others is horrific and we have spent years and years and years talking to each other, trying to understand this person's behaviour, trying to rationalise and make sense of it. It doesn't achieve anything because the answer to every question is, "because they are unwell". There is no understanding it.

Now whatever this man's reasons are, do you really want to waste your time on amateur psychoanalysis of this man when it isn't going to go anywhere anyway?

[Creativethinkingaloud]

Conclusion is, there just is no understanding some people.

It usually means their belief system is so different from yours you can't understand them or what the hell they are up to. All I can tell you is, you will waste too much time trying to work it out.

[AyeAmarok]

FFS OP are you still jabbering on about this?

He's just a twat who wants to have his cake and eat it, like so many other selfish, self-absorbed, horrible people who think far too much of themselves.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

^ that

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Disloyalty is a right turn-off. No matter what your history with him might have been, no matter what the future might hold, he's disloyal. And very possibly manipulative into the bargain. You need to steer well-clear of this one.

Carping and moaning about "having" to buy an engagement ring and contribute to his own wedding makes him an arsehole. This guy isn't even straight, platonic friend-material. AVOID!