trapped friend?

[airedailleurs]

About a month ago I met up with a male friend I have known for some time. Just before the meeting he had told me via email he was getting married in the summer, which I had already guessed would be happening this year so had fully expected to hear this news.

When we were talking he was obviously not happy; his fiancee was on holiday that week and he hadn't gone with her as he thought the holiday was too expensive. He also complained about having to pay for an engagement ring and also about having to contribute financially towards the wedding (his fiancee's parents had given them some money for a deposit on the flat they now live in so he was therefore expected to cough up for the wedding).

He also said that his fiancee is not interested in discussing his work problems, and is generally too focused on her very demanding career to have time for him. We used to work together, so I know the people involved and am able to advise him and be understanding.

He has always been able to confide in me, and there is a definite attraction between us that we have never acted on although he has previously hinted that he would like to take things further. We are extremely compatible and have a great connection but I'm a lot older than him and hardly marriage material!

So, I was left firstly feeling quite concerned about him, as he had previously told me he felt trapped. I'm worried that he is marrying this woman for the wrong reasons.

Secondly, I just feel so jealous, although I try to rationalise the situation, I can't bear to think of them together and seeing a photo of them together just about kills me.

Part of me thinks he's asking me for help but I don't know what to say to him, beyond asking if he really wants to go through with the wedding...or should I just protect myself and not see him at all?

TIA for your thoughts!

[corythatwas]

airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 21:41:51


"The only way they could afford to buy is by her parents helping out with the deposit. He wouldn't be able to buy on his own if they separated and sold this house."

Do you mean that he got engaged to her for the sake of the house? Or how is he any worse off than if he had never met this woman and got engaged to her in the first place?

[pictish]

Seriously OP...back away slowly. Heed the advice or don't, but that's all I can say.

I actually feel a bit sorry for his fiancee; if my husband-to-be talked to another woman about me in that way I would really be having second thoughts about the whole thing!

You said it yourself. You are right. None of what he has said bathes him in a good light. Had to buy an engagement ring? Oh dear. She doesn't listen to his work problems? Poor lamb.
Talks about her as though she's a blight on his life?

Just...no.

[Roses43]

He needs to man up. Stop playing mother. One day it will come back to bite you on the arse.

[airedailleurs]

I think that he felt under pressure to settle down and the parents' offer of a deposit contribution helped to sway him.

Also, plenty of spouses get fed up with their other halves working long and antisocial hours and never seeing them. Maybe he is feeling that he's not getting out of the relationship what he's putting in?

Maybe I am being naive but he certainly doesn't seem happy to me!

[corythatwas]

The one thing you have told us about him is that he is good at feeling sorry for himself:

sorry for himself because he is expected to buy the engagement ring for his own fiancée

sorry for himself because he is expected to contribute to his own wedding

sorry for himself because his fiancée has work problems of her own and can't focus solely on his

sorry because his fiancée's parents put money into their flat and if he leaves her he won't have that money (nor will any of the millions of men who haven't been engaged to this girl, but heigh-ho...)

A catch? I don't think so.

[hownottofuckup]

He feels hard done by having to pay for an engagement ring and wedding? Out of interest who does he think should pay for it?

[corythatwas]

redailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 21:57:34


"Also, plenty of spouses get fed up with their other halves working long and antisocial hours and never seeing them. Maybe he is feeling that he's not getting out of the relationship what he's putting in?"

Maybe it is your style of posting, but we are not getting any kind of sense of what he is putting in. Does he support her career, or is that only something he thinks she ought to do for him? Does he contribute in any other way, since her parents are contributing financially? Or is he only thinking about what they ought to do for him?

[Backtoblackcoffee]

I think it's a bloke posting.

[airedailleurs]

Obviously he should pay for these things, but the fact that he's not happy about doing it indicates to me that he is not convinced he's doing the right thing...

[airedailleurs]

lol no I'm a woman! why do you think I'm a bloke out of interest?!

[airedailleurs]

he works very hard at his job and is very ambitious, so he is not lazing around expecting others to finance him.

[corythatwas]

airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 22:02:40

"Obviously he should pay for these things, but the fact that he's not happy about doing it indicates to me that he is not convinced he's doing the right thing..."

A decent man who had his doubts about his engagement would say "I am not happy about the engagement" (and he would say it to his fiancée, not to you). His reactions are those of an entitled man.

[mum2mum99]

maybe he needs to convince or unconvinced himself, not turning others into victims of his uncertainty.

[stitchglitched]

I hope her parents protected their investment so that if they separate he can't get his disloyal little mitts on it.

[corythatwas]

airedailleurs Thu 24-Mar-16 22:04:28

"he works very hard at his job and is very ambitious, so he is not lazing around expecting others to finance him."

That was not exactly what I asked. I meant: does he as much for other people (his fiancée, her parents) as he expects them to do for him. Or is it all a bit one-sided?

[airedailleurs]

I think when we met up last he was upset because they'd rowed about him not going on holiday with her...

[airedailleurs]

cory I don't know enough about their relationship to be able to say, but I see what you're getting at

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

Why would he be trapped because if they split up he can't buy a house on his own?

He won't need to will he because you and he will buy a house together and live happily ever after as soul mates and you will be totally bonded. Yawn.

[OnePlanOnHouzz]

Could it be that he is about to be dumped because the family have rumbled he's only in it for the money and he's looking for a cosy nest to fly to - consider your own circumstances - do you drive a nice car - live in a nice home ?!? Earn a good wage ?! Obviously you are a lovely caring person - that shines through in your concern - but my opinion is, He's trying to get you to look after him !! Please be careful ! The responses you are giving are indicative of you caring already ....

[BertPuttocks]

Just out of interest, when he was busy telling you all about how hard-done-by he is, did he at any point give you the opportunity to talk about any problems or issues that you might be having?

Or was it all about him?

[Roses43]

I think bloke poster too lol.

[Backtoblackcoffee]

Bert - o yes it's always all about them no one else could possibly be having problems of their own

[Backtoblackcoffee]

Roses

[TresDesolee]

Hmmm I've had a v similar experience to yours OP (much younger man in LTR hinting at trouble with his high-achieving fiancée) and all I can say is that I wish I'd asked MN at the time.

I didn't, spent a few months in cloud cuckoo land thinking we might end up together, and got very badly hurt.

In retrospect, all the signs were very clear; the guy in my case is highly egotistical, very needy and had no intention whatsoever of leaving his (beautiful, clever and successful) girlfriend; he just wanted a massive ego stroke from elsewhere because she was consumed by a particularly demanding part of her career training and wasn't paying him the industrial amounts of attention he needs.

Steer well clear, for your own sake. He's a big boy.

[SecretsAndStuff21]

OP is not a bloke. I'm sure of that, plenty of other posts that indicate she's definitely female. ( unlike a recent poster..one night stand 7 shags on first date).
I too think he's looking for a wealthy person with which to lodge his greasy little entitled cock( and give him ample opportunity to sniff out other ladies).
BTW does he wear his shirt collars turned up.?