Completely messed up

[perfectlyincapable]

I need advice.
The answer is obvious but I don't know how to go about it.

For background, my exh and I split 5 years ago, always been fairly amicable, I have dated in this time Inc one previous LTR who lived with me and now I am living with my current DP.
Exh has come and gone living on my sofa for months at a time but currently is staying with me on the sofa of course so he can provide childcare as I work ridiculous hours in a career just taking off that I can't afford to leave, DS1 has SN and Exh is his carer.

But the creepiest sickest thing happened last night, my DP and I were upstairs dtd as it were and out of the corner of my eye I though I saw something through the glass at the top of the door.
I brushed it off as seeing things (it was getting dark) but a couple of seconds later it moved.
It was a bloody camera.

I've got up to look at what the hell was going on and there was no one there but I heard a small thud at the bottom of the stairs so I go flying down and on the sofa pretending to be asleep is my Exh and in his top jacket (yes he sleeps with it) pocket one of the old spare mobiles I keep for emergencies.

I rip the phone out of his pocket and there are 5 different videos on 3 different dates of me DTD with my DP.

I feel sick, violated even.

I tried to kick him out but he wouldn't leave as no where to go, DP is shocked and doesn't know what to do or say.

We are in the process of moving and DP was meant to be coming with us and staying in the annexe but I don't know what to do now.

Exh has alway's been a little weird, he has no family/friends, no job because of DS1 and no social life, he has battled with depression and was on meds which I found out last night he isn't on at the moment.

I am so angry, creeped out and shaky, his only offered excuse was he was curious

I just don't know what to do, I want to throw him out and report him to the police because surely it isn't legal. It would mean the house move plans are going to go tits up as I would have to give up my career to care for DS1 and I couldn't afford the move

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I keep seeing the camera in my head and feel sick.
I can't trust him in my house, I want to scream at him but it makes no difference.

My poor DP has shaky confidence anyway due to a messed up childhood and it's taken a lot of work to get him comfortable enough to really enjoy DTD... this is going to mess us up, I'm worried he is going to freak and leave me cos the EXH is a dirty peeping Tom, he is nearly 40 ffs not a nosey teenager.

So, just so we know how this one goes:

You're divorced from your ex. You've had three other partners since him, and he still lives with you as your ds' live-in carer. Meanwhile he films you and your current (and presumably previous) partners having sex and you discovered this last night and everyone went to bed and slept on this fact and you can't throw him out?

Oh, and the thing you're worried about is how this will affect your current partner's confidence when having sex? Okayyyyy.

What I would say op is:

Let your dp go to find a normal relationship. Throw your xh] out, and get ye to a highly skilled therapist pronto before you have any more relationships. Because your own boundaries are screwed.

Stop moving men through your house like Kings Cross Station and worrying about your sex life, is the most obvious suggestion.

Aw gotta love mumsnet I get my privacy violated and it's my own fault.

Yes I've had 3 guys in 9 years... oh no such a slapper. My ex p lived in for 2.5 years out of the 5 over splitting with exh and DP only just moved in after a year.

I know I need to kick him out but I also know my eldest son needs his dad and being without him will undo a lot of hard work in his behaviour, when it comes down to him breaking his brothers nose last time I find it difficult to make a rash decision.

How are my bounderies screwed and how the hell am I coming across that I'm fine with it.
I'm clearly not otherwise I wouldn't have posted.
I need to work things out and do this in the smartest way possible not to disrupt my son's life any further than I have to.

Of course my kids come before my career but I can't clothe and feed them on love alone.
The reason I'm moving is because not only am I being evicted I cannot afford to survive without my work.
My DP of course helps as much as he can but his work is as full on as mine so childcare is still a problem.

Nobody called you a slapper.

The fact is, you have children to consider and in five years you have lived with two different partners, plus your ex.

It's too messy. He has FILMED YOU HAVING SEX and your concern is that maybe your current boyfriend will have his confidence shaken?

I mean, really??

Sort your priorities. If that means putting everything else on the back burner then that's what you do.

I would question whether your eldest son needs a father who is committing criminal acts against his mother. Because what he has done is criminal and you should be reporting him to the Police. If you don't, you are saying his behaviour is acceptable.

Your boundaries are screwed because no one in their right minds would not have thrown this man out immediately and not pretend as if it didn't happen. NO ONE.

Who would even want a man that does this sort of thing around his children, sorry but he's lost all rights to even seeing them now, can you not see that?

I don't have a problem with how many partners you have, I just can't get my head around that the pervert is still there and you and your DP have not kicked him to fuck.

Oh and however much you would like to think that every poster on MN are in cahoots I can put my hand up now and tell you I know nobody on here!

It wasn't aimed at everyone Jan45 just people that want to slate me for having so many partners.

Who said "so many partners"?

Nobody.

Maybe focus on the valid points people are making instead of deliberately misunderstanding things so you can be a victimised little drama llama!

Sorry OP, you must feel crap but I hope you can understand the consensus is that he simply has to go!

Whilst I appreciate the complexity of the relationship with your ds do consider whether you would tolerate this type of behaviour from anyone other than your ex employed to look after your son. What type of role model is he and what could he be exposing him too whilst you are not around.

I can't imagine you would tolerate from anyone else and therefore you need to get rid of him being the solution (whilst I acknowledge this is very convenient) to your childcare issues.

What a strange set up. I find the idea of dtd with ex husband downstairs pretty weird in the first place

I am sorry I agree with the general consensus on here.
A. He shouldn't be living there. You aren't his mother or responsible for him..
B. You need to inform the police..
C. You are overlooking major things for childcare. If you are committed to dp then juggle and get ex to do things away from your house.
D. The bit about the new dp and confidence just made me :/ what is it shlong wars? Did he just do nothing.... it's pitiful.
What appalling role models all round....

No one's slating you for having several partners. I think it's more the issue of having now had 2 partners living with you and your EXH within the space of a few years people are questioning. Why the rush to move in with men? I know you said you'd been with current partner a year (which is still pretty quick) but - I'm not one to bring up previous posts but this is relevant - 9 months ago you were still single so the maths there doesn't quite add up.

I've got to say I also have to wonder what sort of bloke your partner is to have accepted this set up as normal from the outset, who would move into a house where the Ex was still comfortably living?

Yes, your privacy has been violated. But you've allowed this person to continue to live in your house. How many other opportunities has he had to do this, to look through your mail, rifle through your underwear drawer, etc...all because you thought his dad being there would give your son more stability? Did you not think it might be confusing for your son to have his dad and another man living under the same roof? And then that man leaves, and someone else moves in but dad's still there? Surely it would have been better for your Ex to continue his caring responsibilities but to live elsewhere. Ridiculous hours or not, I am sure that would have been possible. Or your partner could have pitched in - or does he not know your DS well enough to care for him?

Now clearly you need to remove your Ex from the house as soon as possible, and report his behaviour. I suspect you won't do either though.

I certainly have no issues with how many partners you have had, it didn't even occur to me. But I do raise my eyebrows at your boundaries with them.

It was this statement that made me think you were partway to being OK with this fucked up situation, and that you were going to try and keep this nonce and sex offender in your house

I am a very open minded person, but even I have my limits

That's not an absolute statement. It's designed to give you some wriggle room.

Where is your exH now ?

Nobody called you a slapper. The reference to other partners relates more to the fact that they have all lived under the same roof as you and your ex.

Maybe your DS should go and live with your xh elsewhere if he is his carer?

Is the guy that moved in with you Alton Towers man? Or is it a new partner since then?

Alton Towers man?

Can you tell us some more about your DPs reaction to being filmed having sex by your ex husband who sleeps downstairs?

Yes, I am very curious about that too

It doesn't sound entirely normal

I suppose it's probably a bit too late to paint over the glass above the bedroom door.

I don't care about how many sexual partners you have had. That's not even a factor.

Your and your partner's reaction to your ex filming you having sex, that's just weird.

Am revoir poster I think...

There is no scenario that makes having the ex-husband in the house OK after this!

DP isn't happy about obviously, he is very quiet when stressed and tends to think before he reacts to things.
We have kicked exh out and I now have 3 days to sort out new childcare or lose my career.
So sorry I've not replied I have been busy.
Not alton towers man jeez that was extremely short lived - another thread but a guy I met very shortly after that so nearly a year, yeah it's fast to move in but financially made sense and we are very much happy and in love.

As for what type of man moves in with his girlfriend who allows her kids dad to sleep on the sofa.... an understanding one, non judgemental who can see what I go through on a daily basis with my DS1 and knows he needs his dad around as his carer.