Alcoholic husband and access to children

[starsong32]

Can anyone advise me? My husband is a functioning alcoholic and we separated last year (after getting married after 11 years together) because of it. It has been/still is a mess. He became violent and despite all this we still tried to make a go of it at Christmas. He got drunk and abusive again and 2 weeks later announced that he's moving on with a woman who runs a pub! The children are very upset, sadly aware of everything. He is still drinking and wants to see them (a couple of hours a week is all he seems to want) They are refusing to see him. What do I do? They are 8 and 10. I know their loyalty is with me but I don't want to be seen as poisoning them against him. They saw us marry a year ago and are very confused. What do I do? I can't stand them having to accept him as an alcoholic and wish he could get help. He doesn't think he needs it! He has already done this to a previous partner and their son - has no relationship with his son at all. Am I right to demand that he seeks help for his drinking?

Demanding he seeks help will make no difference. You need to focus on you and your children.
When you divorced was contact not agreed?

Many alcoholics do not see that they have a problem and live in denial.

Demanding that he seeks help for his drinking will not work at all. HE has to be the one to seek help and purely of his own volition. Any coercion from anyone else is not going to work. He does not want your help or support and your children really do not need an alcoholic father in their day to day lives.

I would concentrate your energies purely on yourself and your children. You all need help and support.

Sorry no we only married last May. It was a futile attempt at trying to feel like a normal family - it was on my 40th birthday! (Mid life crisis!!) We had 2 sessions of mediation after he assaulted me in September but we started to get close again as he was begging me to go back to him, so the rules of mediation went out of the window. He wants to slot them in around his work and social life. He refuses to have them at his house and is happy for a play in the park on a Sunday. He hasn't paid anything towards their keep either.

Thanks Attila. Should I force them to see him? I am starting some counselling soon and I've been reading so much on the effect of an alcoholic parent on children. He stank of stale booze on Sunday - the kids only saw him as I promised I would stay with them. I can't do that every time - especially as he has a new woman (with a pub and no kids! His dream woman I'm sure!!!)

He is financially responsible for his children so I would pursue a claim through the relevant authorities. He should not be able to dodge his financial responsibility here.

Presumably you have now started divorce proceedings and have already sought legal advice?.

Your children have very good reason indeed not to want to see their dad. He is an alcoholic and a poor role model of a parent to his children. Do not subject them to see him if they do not want contact, he only wants to be a "Disney dad" to his children anyway and leave all the rest of it to you.

I am wondering if you are co-dependent when it comes to a relationship along with what you learnt about relationships when growing up. I mention co-dependency because there are often elements of that in relationships where alcoholism features.

No not yet. I wouldn't know where to start. I've felt so upset and rejected - even though it was me that ended it. He's brought a 3rd person into the marriage and it's broken me. And the kids. So selfish and cruel. I feel that the children are better off without him but I know I can't stop him being allowed to see them. He's not putting them first and it kills me x

I'm reading 'codependent no more' and it does make sense. It's just frightening how long this has been affecting me. I've lost all sense of myself. I know counselling will help but I can't stand the thought of seeing him with his new bit. They are flaunting it for all to see - no care as to whether the kids will bump into them. We live in a very small town - said pub is just along the river path to my house.