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Original poster

Help me understand this?

50 replies

Eggsandhamontoast · 22/03/2016 13:32

I never had a problem with porn, infact I enjoyed watching it. But now I don't understand how I feel, me and dh used to watch porn together, I always knew he watched it a lot before we met as he was alone a while. He used to say he never had watched it since we got together because he didn't need it and I thought nothing of it never questioned it etc as I just wasn't fussed if he did or didn't. Then one day I found lots of porn links on our laptop, male porn, female, both Confused I asked him he was rather embarrassed and admitted he watched it very regularly... Then he started watching it when I was sleeping in bed next to him and even went to the toilet hmmm.. When I was pregnant I saw it appear on his phone laptop etc all the time I felt self conscious I suppose. Now 2 years on, he still hides it, he deleted a load of history to hide it so I said to him look you've either been watching porn or it's something more why are you deleting things? I don't get it, it feels like a dirty secret now and it's caused such a wedge. I feel so insecure when I go to work I know he will be home pleasing himself ?! I can't understand how it's come to this, how I feel like this over porn?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Eggsandhamontoast · 22/03/2016 17:04

Yeah we have sex but it's not out of this world or anything, it's not as often as it used to be and I vent my frustration about that sometimes

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Original poster
Eggsandhamontoast · 22/03/2016 17:07

I think so, he doesn't watch it as often now but I don't think he would give it up completely

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AnyFucker · 22/03/2016 17:09

And that is ok with you ?

Original poster
Eggsandhamontoast · 22/03/2016 17:12

I dunno, I really never used to mind it. I guess because he deletes everything I worry at what exactly he's looking at but I also feel like he's needs his own privacy

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Original poster
Eggsandhamontoast · 22/03/2016 18:31

I just wondered wether I'm making a big deal out of this or I should respect his own sexual needs? I'm just really lost off in all this, I know porn is normal for men, but I just feel something I never have?

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AnyFucker · 22/03/2016 18:50

If his use of porn is having a detrimental effect on his relationship with you, that is far from normal.

Original poster
Eggsandhamontoast · 22/03/2016 18:54

It's things like, I only work 2 days a week, 2 weeks ago I worked 5 days and he was nightshift. I hardly saw him but those two days i did he was 'too tired' but I saw on our parental controls he had watched porn a few times that week, it just seems so inconsiderate and selfish to me???

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AnyFucker · 22/03/2016 19:03

It does to me too

But then I don't tolerate porn use in a partner over a healthy sex life and I don't use it myself for moral reasons. I think it is destructive and exploitative.

Your choice to make.

Original poster
Eggsandhamontoast · 22/03/2016 19:06

He even changed the settings on our parental controls so now you can view porn Hmm I don't know what to say or do about this tbh I feel like I'm in the wrong

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Silverfoxofwarwick1953 · 22/03/2016 19:20

Porn use robs people of time, desensitises relationships and prevents young woman in poorer countries, including the EU, from building successful careers as doctors, teachers or whatever they choose because if they are good looking it's an immediate source of income for their family to have them exploited in the sex industry. Under pressure they are coerced. Your DH is contributed to modern sex slavery.

Silverfoxofwarwick1953 · 22/03/2016 19:23

Actually, he is a key investor in it.

Original poster
Eggsandhamontoast · 22/03/2016 19:24

I get that completely but then we have people who say 'all men do it, get over it' I feel he's still very young in his mind, he doesn't take my feelings seriously I think he loves me but doesn't understand a marriage?

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Suddenlyseymour · 22/03/2016 19:26

I think it would help if you stopped feeling like this is some fault in you; you are very much allowed to be REALLY FUCKED OFF with this. Whatever you may have felt in the past is irrelevant. How you feel NOW is valid, very valid indeed.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2016 19:30

Meh

I'd rather be married to a real man. Stop mistaking excuses for him.

Original poster
Eggsandhamontoast · 22/03/2016 19:34

Any time I mention anything he just lies and it gets hidden away more! I'm not making excuses for him I really think he's like a teenager, mentally, I even said that to him and he said that's a very nasty thing to say, but honestly if I try and speak to him he changes the subject

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Buzzardbird · 22/03/2016 19:49

You do know that not "all men do porn" don't you? Not the good ones anyway.

pocketsaviour · 22/03/2016 20:21

Most men watch porn, but most men don't use it to the point where they're wanking to it next to a sleeping partner and then going to the toilet to finish off Hmm

It sounds like his use has become compulsive rather than a "normal" level of masturbation. Within a relationship I wouldn't expect to use porn, or have a partner use porn, more than once or twice a week. If he's at it every time you leave the house, then I think he has a problem, in all honesty. And I'm a happy consumer of ethical porn.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2016 21:55

Why would you willingly make your life with a bloke who has the mentality of a teenager ? Confused

There are grown ups out there, you know

Original poster
Eggsandhamontoast · 23/03/2016 09:28

He used to watch it literally every minute I wasn't there, I had not long had our DC and tbh it made me feel like absolute shit, I done everything to try and 'please him' we started having sex not long after and I never said no. I never do really but he does. As far as I'm aware he doesn't watch it as much (not what he's said but what I've seen) but how would I know? I never realised how childish he was til just recently I honestly thought he had grown up a lot but it just shows he hasn't!

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Penfold007 · 23/03/2016 09:37

He is telling you loud and clear that he prioritises he porn use over you and DC. What do you want to do about it?

AnyFucker · 23/03/2016 09:42

Ugh. Please don't demean yourself by bending over backwards to "please" a pornhound. I hope those days are over, at least.

summerwinterton · 23/03/2016 12:52

I would change the parental controls so nobody can watch any of it and I would change the locks and get this excuse of a man out of your life. You deserve so much more than him

Silverfoxofwarwick1953 · 23/03/2016 19:08

There is no such thing as ethical porn.

Original poster
Eggsandhamontoast · 23/03/2016 20:29

I think I actually feel really different about him now, I don't enjoy sex but I get excited by the prospect but am left feeling u satisfied which makes me feel shit about myself. I have tended to blame to birth of dc for my lack of feeling but I think it might be what's going on in my head. Day to day I go over our whole relationship in my head over and over and wonder when we will split up, because I know we can't be together forever. It's not a romantic fairytale it's far from it. I'm left here feeling like I can't give anymore,

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 23/03/2016 20:33

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down. He has let you down badly.

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