The family Dog Saga

[flakinator]

Apologies for the length of this post; I've put it under 'relationships' because I'm eager to know what other people think of the situation in relation to my parents in addition to finding a long term solution for the family pet.

When I was 16, my parents, during one of their drunken conversations made the decision to buy a dog. They informed me pretty much as they made the decision and I was absolutely elated as I'd always wanted a dog. The next day I awoke excited, like any other 16 year old and asked when we would be getting the dog, I was met with "oh well we should probably have another think about it, we didn't actually say we would get one." This was nonsense and pretty much went in line with all the other broken promises of my childhood made under the influence of masses of alcohol. Both my parents were heavy drinkers and it wrecked our family life and my childhood.

I decided I wasn't going to let it go and managed to get Mum to see that another broken promise just wasn't on. Dad was still very reluctant.
Against Dad's wishes, Mum and I went to a farm and returned with collie cross when she collected me from school one day. Dad was annoyed when we got home but said "you walk it, you feed it" and that's what I did. Every morning and night until my parents alcoholism eventually drove me out of the house when I turned 20 and my dog turned 4.

Having little money from my part-time job I asked my parents to fund dog training classes that I would happily take him to. They said he was my dog and I would have to find a way to pay for them. They were too expensive so I bought books and tried my best, but tbh I wasn't very good at disciplining him at all. I now know I was too soft and my Dad's mixed messages and inconsistencies which went against everything I taught him just confused the dog and his behaviour became difficult.

When I left home at 20 after lots of alcohol induced domestic abuse from my parents, I unfortunately had to leave my dog behind. I knew that Dad would never let any harm come to him and he didn't. He took over feeding and walking him, perhaps out of guilt. Although he was made to stay in the tiny utility room most days. Mum didn't help at all.

Eventually, after a few years, Mum left Dad for another man and I finally moved into my own house. Dad's alcoholism deteriorated and on 2 occasions, he left the front door open and the dog ran off and almost got ran over. Dad said he was struggling to take care of him and asked if I'd have him back. Of course I said yes. By this point the dog was much older and I noticed how many negative behaviours had set in. I couldn't have visitors without him barking at them, climbing on them, being aggressive towards them. It was awful. I knew that rehousing him at an old age was slim especially with behaviour problems so I made good friends with an experienced collie owner and he helped me a lot with some issues.

Fast forward to now, I'm now married with a DC and another on the way. The dog is very old but still plodding on and still living with us. When I was expecting DC1 we enlisted the help of a dog trainer who explained that a lot of his behaviour was down to anxiety and temperament due to the time he spent with my Dad which must have been full of inconsistent messages. We enrolled he help of a wonderful vet who told us that we would need to find a way of rehousing him as he posed too much danger to DC. We failed in finding a suitable home and against the vets advice, we kept him.

It has been a rough road and I keep him away from DC (now 2) most of the time, however he has grown to love him and protect him. It has been so hard though. He barks at the slightest whimper, still attacks visitors and runs around like a mad dog at the slightest change. He's exhausting. He has recently had an operation to remove his leg after cancer and it has been awful. He's attacked vets, trainers, helpers, it's been awful. Every simple visit has led to him being put to sleep first.

My parents don't help at all. They won't take him in when we go on holiday, help with walking, help me control him at the vets when he's attacking everyone (although not bitten yet). They have completely written him off and leave me to deal with him whilst heavily pregnant.

I can't face having to protect another child from him, being on edge for another year each time DC2 cries or makes the slightest noise. I know that if I don't keep him, he'll end up mistreated or neglected because of his age and behaviour, but I just can't face this all over again.

DH has lost all patience for the dog, but feels like a do. He loves him but can't face the uncertainty of how he will react/behave with another baby. We would never put our DCS in danger: believe that. The dog is always kept well away, but it's no life for him not being allowed to be involved in our family life.

I know that a dog is for life and I feel so guilty to have naively pushed for a dog in the first place at 16, when my parents were so irresponsible in the first place. But I really had no idea what sort of people my parents were until I got older, I was used to them and I was used to their drinking.

Any ideas what I could do about my dog? I don't want him to end up being mistreated or neglected. It's not his fault he turned out like this and the trainers we've seen feel his behaviour has been deeply ingrained now. So that's not an option either. I can't face the dog, a toddler and a newborn. It was he'll last time.
What should I do with him? Any ideas?
I've asked my DM to help, but said "you wanted a dog, you got a dog" and I feel totally upset at her brash, insensitive response. Do my parents need to take some responsibility here and help me? Or are they right? He is mine and it's all up to me?
I can't believe that, at thirty ,my parents are still able to let me down like this.

We looked at many Re-homing centres when I was expecting DC1 and we found one purely for collies. We were all set to send him there, however each time we visited all the dogs were always caged away and never seemed to be getting any form of exercise. After speaking to someone who used to work there, we discovered this was the case, collies were going days without walks and 1:1 attention so we decided he had a much better life with us and kept him.

Olivia: I think you misread my post, I don't want him to go and live with either of my parents, I've merely asked them for help with vets visits whilst heavily pregnant, walks etc. I could never send him back to my DF. He will be ran over within a week.

Jev: IMO having a dog is not a reason not to have children. Having children has always been important to me and my children will always come first, before any animal.

You poor thing and what a sad tale.
I agree , the dog should be put down .

OP I am really saddened by your post and the situation you have found yourself in. As a 'doggy' person I feel so incredibly sorry for the life that your dog has endured and feel that euthanasing him at this point would not be right, but I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis. I think as others have said that it would be worthwhile contacting the Dogs Trust and going through your issues with them before making any final decisions.

Wherabouts are you, flakinator?

As posters have said, there is Wiccaweys in Leicestershire. Also (wherever you live) I would also strongly recommend that you contact Gill White of the Border Collie Spot ... she won't judge you, she will do everything she can to help you.

There are many wonderful Border Collie rescues up and down the country. Try the Border Collie Spot first ... would you like someone to contact them on your behalf?

I love dogs and am saddened that I will not be in a position to have one again in the foreseeable future, but I don't agree with posters that the aim should be to keep the dog alive for as long as possible. The aim should be to ensure that there is no suffering for the animal and that the quality of life is good, both for the dog and the people in the household. This may not be the case here, as it sounds like a very stressful situation for you, and there is a risk of harm to the children.

Pets are not dispensable, but people do come first and sometimes circumstances change and situations become untenable. It is ridiculous imo to put off having children because of a dog. Circumstances in this situation were never ideal, but you have done your best and deserve a happy family life like you didn't get growing up by the sounds of it. Dogs don't have the same expectations or desires to live on into their old age like people do and this one sounds stressed. Rehoming doesn't sound like an option, though some of the charities mentioned above sound worth looking into. If they don't work out, I absolutely don't think you should feel guilty about having the dog pts.

Good luck .

The Dogs Trust and Blue Cross definitely look after dogs carefully and they may have branches near you. I looked up Wiccyweys and it seems they are utterly dedicated to performing near miracles. If they are too far from you maybe they know of another good place which is not. I don't know the other collie sites mentioned but they are probably good too.

Maybe if you could just talk to the managers of some of these places you would get the help you need one way or another. They have so much experience, and no one would judge you.

Another one here saying try other rescues - this one also gives advice:

helpingdogpaws.org

thoroughly recommended

I love dogs and have had them all my life. Part of being a good dog owner is taking good care and loving your dog, but it also includes the very difficult decision to end your dog's life when it is time. It sounds like this time is coming for you. You cannot have a dog that is a danger to your children.

Your dog has had a good length of life for a dog and the quality of his life is going to drop with the baby arriving. Your dog has maybe 1-2 years left. Is the quality of his life going to be so good that you should keep him for that period? Is it going to cause you endless stress and worry having him around? Remember the dog doesn't know any of this and if you put him to sleep, he won't know about it. It is hard for you - not for him.

Don't feel bad for getting him when you were 16. You were young and you were doing the best you could in the situation you were in. You have taken the care that you could with your dog.

I feel so sad for you. You have done everything you can to give your dog a happy life, in exceptional circumstances. Do not blame yourself, if you have to make the decision to hand him over to someone else, or the last decision, of kindly putting dog to rest. It may be the kindest thing you can do. Of course your family comes first. Please talk to your vet. They might advise some medication to calm him. But you will make the right decision when the time comes. My heart goes out to you.

Thankyou.

We have tried anti anxiety meds before- strong ones too and they didn't touch him! My vet said that some dogs are so highly strung that they can fight off relaxant medication.
I've began looking at the rehoming centres provided here so will make sure that there is no other 'kind' option that pts first. It bothers me leaving him somewhere he'll never see me again; he's like my shadow. The vet said that his bond with me is one of the strongest he's seen, probably because I rescued him from my Dad and have loved him. Against all of his misgivings, he's an extremely loving dog too so it's not a black and white decision for me. He gave me a friendship in very poor circumstances at the start of his life during my teens. I owe him a good end to his last few years for that if anything.

Just checking in again. Your sad story has been with me all day.

Please know, that the decision you make, I know, will be the kindest thing you can do for your dog. Quality of life must also be a consideration.

Sending you my best wishes, and for strength during this time. He was there for you during your darkest times.

I have had to make the decision due to illness of my dog and cat. Its hard thing to do. My cat was 17, dog was only 8.

I had a collie cross. Bloody hell it was hard work. It has put me off having a dog for life. They are not a suitable pet for living in a family home with young children. He barked constantly and was very aggressive with other dogs, even on a lead. He died of old age at 14 btw so I would say your poor old dog doesn't have long left.

I don't know what you should do but other posters have advised. I understand you can't go on. I'm not sure why you expect your parents to do anything under the circumstances.

What does your DH wish to do with the dog: give him to an organisation or have him PTS? It's very sad, but I think either of these actions would be best. The dog sounds a danger to people and possibly your DC. And you yourself are under stress. It's clear to outsiders that keeping him is not sensible given the risks.

As a PP says, you couldn't and still can't rely on your parents for help: you might want to seek help with respect to the impact their alcohol problems and poor parenting has had on you, and still has.

You weren't 6 when you got the dog. You were 16, on the cusp of adulthood. So I think you have to take responsibility. Your parents were just very stupid and thoughtless buying you a dog when you clearly would be moving on.

Personally I wouldn't take the risk. I wouldn't have the dog. It's not your parents responsibility though.

Dangerous dogs need to be PTS

imo op has gone more than the extra mile for this dog. She has more than 'taken responsibility' throughout his life.

Rescue centres are full to overflowing. I think you would potentially be just passing the problem on. Thinking logically, not many people looking for a rescue dog would choose yours unfortunately. If you find somewhere to take him, be aware that he is likely to end his days there. Some places will pts at signs of aggression.

You are very unlikely to be able to rehome him at his age. Old dogs are very difficult to rehome. Your dog would probably end his life in a centre if you put him in one, which would be very upsetting for him. I think if that is your only option, then putting him to sleep would be kinder.

It sounds to me like you have tried really hard with your dog so well done for that. It doesn't sound an ideal situation particularly when the new baby arrives and I think that pts is probably the kindest option. And i say this as the owner of a 14 year old collie with many of same issues as yours. The difference is that i can do it because my family are all grown up and left home.