Not sure how I should feel about DP not telling me about DS and drugs

[MrsJackAubrey]

Don't have the best relationship with DP.

I find out last week, via a row with DP, that DS (18) is 'experimenting' with either cocaine or speed - and has bought and taken valium.

I have no problem withe the way DP is handling this with DS, he's saying and doing pretty much what I would say/do; my issue is, that DP didn't tell me, didn't want to know what I felt, wanted to do etc, and that this only came out in a massive row when I asked DS to do something, DS blew up and left the house after telling me I was a bully, and then DP remonstrated with me because 'DS is under so much stress', 'DS must not be upset any further'. Naturally I ask 'why' and am told about the drugs.

I'm totally at sea about the state of my relationship with my DP - it's not terrible, it's not good. I've lost the ability to see clearly - is what he did (withholding the information) reasonable? Or controlling and withholding?

I'm not posting on AIBU because I don't want a kicking :(

There's no way I'd keep something like that secret from my DH.

If my DD wanted me to handle it is still tell DH and expect him to trust me to handle it but keep him fully informed.

If your ds asked him not to tell you then he shouldn't have told you. Certainly not without talking to him about it first.

I would be furious and upset if my dh kept that info from me unless there was a very compelling reason I can't think of one. The problem with secrets and lies are that they create mistrust. So now you have reason to mistrust both of them for different reasons.

It's also worth exploring whether your ds has spun him a line about needing drugs to cope with stress... For certain this isn't a new hobby for ds, cocaine and speed are not first time experiment scenario drugs. He needs help. He probably won't want it.

Talk to dh and agree no more lies. No secrets and a united front on illegal drugs.

Did DS ask DH not to speak to you ?

I would be furious. You are his mother and you have a right to know. As parents in a relationship the two of you should be parenting as a team.

But it's hard to know how you should deal with this without knowing the context of the other problems in your relationship. My guess is that your partner is not working with you as part of team in other ways either.

If one of my children asked me not to tell my husband something, then I would have to say that I wasn't prepared to do that and take it from there. I think it's important for children to see their parents as a team, assuming that there isn't domestic abuse within the family, of course.

I think we'd have to know more about the personalities involved before commenting.

Is DP your sons father?

Not telling you because he didn't want to betray a confidence, I get but 'letting it slip' while being chastised, hell the f*ck no! Since when does experimenting with class A drugs become mitigation for being a arse wipe and if your DP thinks that it is, then I don't think he's handling as you would.

thanks folks

DP is DS's father and my DS didn't tell DP not to tell me. I think this was entirely DP's choice, not to tell me. I'm quite sure DS would know that I'm more likely to come down on him like a ton of bricks (but also I'm the one who would take action, do something, where his dad would just listen). But I also suspect that DP would be of that view too, and I feel like he decided not to tell me, because he didn't want me involved. Like, DP wants to handle this himself because he thinks he knows what is right.

DP said to today that he didn't tell me because 'he wanted to be clear in his own mind what he thought of it, and what he wanted to do' before 'discussing it with me'. This makes me angry - surely the point of discussion is that together we talk all the options and responses through and then decide?

DP is the sort of person who, it would not surprise me at all to discover, had an entirely separate life, his nature is secret private. And to a large degree, in my view that's fair enough, but not when it extends to our children.

I don't think there's anything I haven't told him about our DCs (but I work out what I think by talking, and he does the opposite).

Do you think your dp would condone the drugs and not see it as a big deal? Does he take drugs?

Isestan someone is being an arsewipe, but I'm not quite sure who it is!

I am totally unable to see the wood for the trees now, in relation to who is doing what at home.

Am I an unreasonable bullying bitch? Is my DP a withholding controlling shit? Is DS a lazy entitled little sod? Is DD a manipulative shit stirrer? It's all a mess and a confusion.

Of course, in calmer moments, I realise we are all complex people with conflicting needs, and personalities; no one is fully one thing, or another.

I don't think my DS is actually snorting lines of coke on a regular or indeed random basis; he's all talk. He gets up, goes to school, works hard, comes home, plays his Xbox and causes no real problems, he doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't sleep around, doesn't break things, doesn't break the law... he's a good kid in so so many ways. Just a bit lost, and I think he has the idea he's a bit of a rebel. When in fact he isn't (see above!).

Hmm if your DS's lifestyle is as you portray it, it is very unlikely he is doing coke. However, the Valium thing may well be true as you can but it off the internet. If he is or isn't doing it is kind of red herring though. DS sounds desperate for attention so this could be his way of crying for it either way. It does not sound like a happy dynamic at home? If you would really not be surprised if your DP had a secret life it sounds like communication between you is bad? Is that true?