Feel like I'm losing my DC to ex h.....

[Borlie]

Bit of background -

Ex and I departed 2 years ago. We have 3DC ranging from 5-10. We had a sexless marriage, he had a drink problem and didn't have a good relationship wth with DD ( 8 at the time, not his biological daughter but has been dad since she was 1).

I left him after falling for a friend. My mother suspected an emotional fair was happening and told ex, he hit me, I fled the house and we separated.

He moved in with my mother, who then repeated followed me in her friends car taking pictures of me at the friends house to show ex. She tried to get ex to apply for full custody of DC, knowing full well access to them was going to be hard via me after what she'd done.

Ex then proceeded to sleep with lots of women, introducing DC to 5 in 5 months. He was a mess emotionally and changed his days with DC about 5 times to suit whatever new woman he was seeing. I just wanted him to be happy so that he could be a good parent to DC.

So now -

I live with my partner. for 9 months we've had a great arrangement re the days ex sees DC. He had them 2 days one week, 3 the next. He has now changed it again as settled in a relationship with new partner, so he has them 4 one week, two the next.

He is back living with my mother (we don't speak, DM and I) who provides free childcare, cheap rent and food. She also smokes and lets the DC run riot.

He has now said with DM's help he wants 50/50 access to the kids.
He works full time. I work part time as i was always a SAHM. He is very much 'fun dad'. He lets the DC play on the computer all day and eat sweets, has DM on hand to entertain them and they love going there. I feel like the wicked witch as do the brunt of the school run.

I am not happy with his proposed arrangement, I don't really want DM caring for my DC and I have a strong suspicion ex is only doing this so he pays less maintenance (he already owes me almost £1000 in unpaid maintenance)

I am terrified I'm losing my DC to them.

Thanks Jellybean. Yes he does have parental responsibility.

Oh Borlie I so indignant for you! My ex wanted to do the same: leave the kids with his mother to live a carefree life and not pay child support.
I am in Canada, so things might be a bit different but status quo. Dont forget that. If you go to court, the status quo is going to be important deciding access. So don't agree to more if it is not what you want. You will be giving him points.
As angry it makes me feel, I don't think sweets, tv or smoking are going to jave any weight. But if he is an alcoholic, fight for sole custody and supervised access.
Obviously court could decide on 50/50 but try not to get there. Negotiate with lawyers. A decent one will advice him that the current situation is more than good for him given his history of alcohol and violence.
And regarding your mother, I am so sorry. That is not a mother. Dont worry about her. She doesnt have custody rights. Yhis is between your ex and you. I understand not wanting her to babysit for him but are your kids better with him than with her? A clause I added to avoid my ex to drop the kids off at my MIL and have his weekend free while not letting me be with them was the "right of first refusal". If the kids arr going to be with a third party for over 4h, I have the right to take care of them instead. Same thing with overnights. I hope this is something you can use. But you have a very good case specially as you work part time and I am assuming that means you can actually spend more time with them than your ex. So any claim in that respect should favour you.

Sorry, I also asked about the number of rooms. A judge is not going to rule 1 room/kid. On the other hand your kids are old enough (specially 10 y.o) to not be comfortable with this arrangement so they can speak for themselves.
And I know that no-boundaries daddy is always funnier than responsible-mommy but believe it or not I heard kids are not silly and at the end of the day will prefer to live with a responsivle parent rather than with the one who takes the make-my-life-easy route. I hope that is true.

It sounds like you want life to continue how you alone want it, little work, him providing and you getting the most time with the children.

More and more judges are granting 50/50 and it's great to see. Children deserve the right to equal time with both parents rather than a token amount with the NRP. It means both can just cater for their own costs and childcare on the days with them so both adults can work and support.

For the child that is not his, the courts will unlikley rule anything but she won't be gaining child support from him either so it has no bearing on your money like the others do.

did the lawyer ring ? how did it go ?

i think judges really need to wake up to this type of toxicity he wants 50/50 fine but he is not with them 50/50 and that to me is a deal breaker why ask for the kids more if you won't actually be seeing them more it just sounds like vindictiveness