Relationship with MIL when your connection to your own mother was dysfunctional/non-existent

[Letsnotaskforthemoon]

I am reflecting just before a two week visit from my MIL. This is not a MIL bashing but as this cannot be talked about with anyone that I know, just wonder if other people feel a great strain being immersed in someone else's family (ie husbands) when you have no family of your own.

Your relationship with your mother is so basic, so fundamental that when it really is not there, it is hard to observe at close quarters someone fulfilling that role for others and knowing you will never have it from your own mother and that your MIL will not/cannot be a subsitute for you.

I am rambling but trying to get myself ready for an intense two weeks.

Maybe cos that's cos she doesn't see your non- relationship with your mum as equal to the close relationship of the daughters husband. She sounds guilty of compartmentalised thinking. You need to be strong with yourself and say to yourself...
She isn't having a poke at me.

Then your life becomes simpler...because if she IS having a poke at you...she has to become more direct about it. And then you will see it more clearly.

I totally sympathise Letsnotaskforthemoon. Very similar situation for me. It still really hurts me that at birthdays for example (we are all at the same time) my DC and DH get "lots of love" cards and fabulous presents from the ILs and I might get a card signed "from". Silly really but when you've never had love from your own family I suppose it's only natural to look for it elsewhere.

After 20 years I have learnt to stop analysing it. Just feel sad on the day it happens and then I (try to) forget about it and get on with my life. I try to be grateful that the DC have one nice set of grandparents who also obviously love their DC. It's still hard though. for you.

Thank you for the replies. Yes fishface because I walked away to save myself my non relationship with my family will never compare to what they have but they just don't get it. I really believe it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all so whilst losing a loved one is very very sad the fact that there was love is so much better than a totally awful family. But they see things differently to me as their experiences have been different to mine. They cannot or won't consider what it is really like to be in the situations we describe.

My husband says that his mother expresses sympathy about my situation to him (I found out last yr my father had died and because he did not leave a will I have been drawn back into a very sad situation of two mentally ill siblings living in the family home who have never worked and whose lives were effectively destroyed by my father).
But she shows no understanding to me , if I were really really cynical (as opposed to very cynical) I would say she talks to her son in sympathetic tones to make herself look good to him. She can do no wrong in his eyes. Any hurtful comments are reserved for me alone.

One more week to go. We are away for a few days tomorrow altogether so i ask husband who is sat at his computer "could you look at the weather forecast before i pack" "i did it yesterday" so i say "well as you are sat there" MIL " go on son do as you are told"

I either need to learn to just keep my mouth shut altogether or learn the art of just staring, not saying anything because I always betray that I am pissed off, just staring.

Why after 15 yrs do i not get it - when they are together, they are the unit, was the same when his father was alive and will not change.

ancient it is very difficult. I am sat here now and I think she wants son and grandchildren to herself even more so that FIL died a couple of yrs ago.

It is so depressing and soul destroying to have to be around someone in an intense way knowing you are put up with.

Moon, I really feel for you. Please do not let yourself be defined by yur mil. Nice, if she could be more supportive to you, but she isn't and that is HER problem, absolutely nothing to do with you. You sound so lovely, do something nice for yourself right now, I have even hugged myself before and it can actually help.
My mother died over 20 years ago, and our relationship was not brilliant, and my mil would give the ice queen a run for her money, I know how you feel, be yourself, your own self, respect how you feel about this, but don't let her hurt you.