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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Not AIBU but don't know where elase to put it?

28 replies

Scared3446 · 20/03/2016 14:14

Hi, am just looking for a bit of reassurance/advice? I've been in counselling and attended a suport group for 2 years and decided last week to report the man that groomed and abused me to the police. I went in on Thursday and they took a preliminary statement, just the bare bones, no details, and a specialist is coming to speak to me on Monday and take a full statement. Am really really scared and terrified that I've done a terrible thing. This happened when I was 14-18 about 15 years ago. The person involved is part of a prominent political family and I have a close family member who is also a politician. My parents knew about it at the time and blamed me for seducing him, as he had a girlfriend. He wrote a letter to my Mother, apologising to her for the 'inappropriate' relationship he had with me at the time. This will have a huge affect on my whole family, and I'm terrified they will never speak to me again, but I just can't live with the anger and shame I feel about this any more. I need someone to agree that what he did was wrong, and that it wasn't my fault, and am terrified that he has done similar, or worse since. The police were incredibly supportive and kind, but I'm scared about what happens now? Once they arrest him, that's it, it'll be in the papers. They'll need to speak to my family, and I'm going to need to explain to them what I've done. My Dad didn't know at the time, and I think he'll be devastated. Am just so scared that I've destroyed my family

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/03/2016 14:17

You haven't destroyed anything, you've been incredibly brave please go easy on yourself Flowers

Twinkie1 · 20/03/2016 14:19

You haven't destroyed anything He did.

You are extremely courageous and I'm sure your father will be heartbroken that this happened to you and he was kept in the dark by your mother.

Pedestriana · 20/03/2016 14:24

Scared a friend of mine did similar recently. In the case of my friend it involved persons associated with religious pastoral care/child care. Abuse happened when friend was early teens, which was 35 years ago. It's never too late, but like you, my friend is wondering if it was the right thing to do.
I think it's a very brave thing to do. It's the right thing to do, however difficult it may seem.
It's utter nonsense you being blamed for what happened. The fact that the person involved penned a letter suggests they know entirely that they were in the wrong.
As gamer says - be kind to yourself.

Skittlesss · 20/03/2016 14:24

You have not destroyed anything. You are a victim in this.

You, as the victim, have the right to anonymity. So try not to worry about that. The officers who deal with you will explain everything and they'll look after you.

Everything will be OK. The hardest bit is done now. Xx

CaptainCrunch · 20/03/2016 14:29

No advice but just want to say you are 200% right to pursue this and I wish you well.

Original poster
Scared3446 · 20/03/2016 14:34

Thank you - that's what the police said. Am just so scared. I don't know what happens after Monday. Will they arrest him? I don't know how to speak to my Mum and stepdad about it, I think I should tell them before they find out, but I tried 'testing the water' with my mum this morning, and it's obvious she hasn't changed her mind about what happened.My husband says that if she wants to call her own child a liar, take an abuser's side over mine, lie to the police about it or anything else, then it's her that's in the wrong, and her that should be ashamed. But the guilt of it is eating me up.

OP posts:
Robotgirl · 20/03/2016 14:34

Wow, you are brave & you sound amazing.
You are the victim here. You're doing nothing wrong & you're reporting someone who it sounds like has done terrible things to a vulnerable person (possibly others too)
Take care Thanks

Groovee · 20/03/2016 14:34

You didn't do anything wrong, HE did. Go easy on yourself. Relationships may be a good place to get this moved to. Xx

Original poster
Scared3446 · 20/03/2016 14:37

Thank you xx How do I move it? x

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 20/03/2016 14:52

Just report your own post and ask

MNHQ
BeccaMumsnet · 20/03/2016 15:20

Hi all - we're going to move this to Relationships now.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 20/03/2016 15:26

It is an incredibly brave and important step. You were a victim, now it sounds as though you are moving on from that to become a survivor.

2flyforwifi2 · 20/03/2016 15:55

Its been 15 years OP, thats 15 years this mans actions have affected your life! You are very brave and are doing the right thing! Your husband is right about your mother. He sounds very supportive. I wish you the best of luck in bringing this man to justice and to finding peace within yourself. So what if it ends up in the papers, you can remain anonymous, he won't just have to justify himself to his family and friends, but also the public. It must be really hard for you knowing your mother denies this happened! If one of my children told me somebody had hurt them, I wouldn't blame them, nor would most mothers! A 14 year old girl is a child in the eyes of the law and can't be blamed for leading a grown man astray!!!

Jux · 20/03/2016 16:32

You've done the right thing, no doubt about it, so well done - I can imagine it's terrifying, but never doubt your action here.

You were the victim. You don't have to be any more. You are taking control now!

I wonder if your mum still has the letter? Maybe she would let you reread it, to help you sort out your feelings and then you can hang onto it and give it to the cops.

Well done, you brave woman.

Flowers
Evabeaversprotege · 20/03/2016 16:50

You've done the right thing.

I wish I had your strength x

Original poster
Scared3446 · 21/03/2016 16:50

The police called today - they're going to come round to my house tomorrow to take a full statement from me.I know I can do this, but it's just so frightening

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 21/03/2016 17:04

Scared, if you would prefer then you can do it on a video interview.

It is frightening, but you will get there and they'll help you x

ptumbi · 21/03/2016 19:34

Scared - whatever your mother says, you were a child. You could not have 'led him on' or 'seduced him'; That is so wrong. You could NOT consent to sex below age 16, it is not legally possible. You were groomed, and part of that is to blame yourself.

You have done teh right thing - this monster should be brought to account. If your mum really believes him over her own daughter, she should be ashamed.

springydaffs · 21/03/2016 19:51

Have you been in touch with an organisation such as this ?

You need people in your corner who can support you through this, people who have reported the abuse and what to expect in the legal process.

You have absolutely done the right thing. So brave, well done Flowers

ailbhel · 21/03/2016 19:58

Oh you hero. Good luck, all strength to you, you've been so brave. Well done on reaching a stage in your life where you could take these steps.

britmodgirl · 21/03/2016 21:39

Well done. Stay strong, sounds like your husband is a great support x

TheSinkingFeeling · 21/03/2016 21:41

You are very brave, I'm glad you've got the support of your husband.

BoatyMcBoat · 22/03/2016 08:06

Yes, you can do this, and you will. The police will help you too, you're not a suspect.

You could invite someone over, who will be able to sit in another room and perhaps just knowing some is there will strengthen you. If you can't find someone at short notice, know that we are here supporting you and holding your hand virtually.

Thinking of you, brave strong woman! Flowers

Original poster
Scared3446 · 22/03/2016 10:58

Thank you so much. my health visitor, who's the person I first spoke to about this, and who arranged counselling and my survivor's group is going to be there with me. My boys will be there too, which isn't ideal, though they're too wee to know what's going on (1 and 2). Just looking at them sometimes gives me strength, though and they really are the light of my life, having them around reminds me of what I'd do if someome hurt them like I've been hurt. The police are coming to the house, and I spoke to the policewoman who's coming, she sounds lovely. Sorry, just burst into tears, cause I know that I am going to do this, even if it's hard and I'm scared of the repurcussions. What if he gets away with it? Does that make me a liar? I know I'm telling the truth, but everyone else will think this man is innocent. He knows the truth too though, so even if he does get away with it, he'll know that I know what he did was a horrible crime, and he'll have to live with the knowledge that the only way he got away with it is because he lied.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scared3446 · 22/03/2016 10:59

Thank you everyone.I think when you've got to do something frightening, it always gives you courage to know that there are people thinking about you, and caring.

OP posts:
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