i have a few questions

[lostsheep]

I dont really want to go into my problems too much on here at the moment and im sorry if the info is a bit minimal . Im trying to sort things out in my mind and would appreciate it if i could put some questions to you

If for some reason you hadnt been having sex with your dh for a while , due to your illness and/or not getting on with each other would you find it wrong / uncomfortable that he would lay next to you in bed and 'see to himself' as it were nearly every night ?

dh is the type to get stressed very easily , he also has a stressful job . When i have a disagreement with him or air my grievances he quickly gets very loud, defensive and animated and it quickly ends up in a row . I have told him many many times that he is being ott , his shouting upsets me etc but he continues to do it . He usually apologises the next day but i often feel annoyed because i know he will do it again . I have told him that his apologies are wearing a bit thin and i am sick of it . His answer is that he tries to conduct himself better but cant seem to manage it and therefore if i am unhappy i should leave / we should split up .
recently there have been a lot of rows and he has thrown this into the mix many times and i feel very unsettled . After the last time this happened , he initiated sex a few days later , i turned him down explaining that i dont feel very close to him at the moment and dont want to do it . He got annoyed and said i should get over the rows quicker and move on .

Am i making things problematic here or is it him ?
should i forgive and forget quicker even though he apologises for things and then does it again ? surely if the relationship isnt going well its not unreasonable for sex to be off the agenda , is it ?

if you have a joint bank account and you both work , say your dh wants to make a big purchase and you disagree . would the purchase still happen ? If you expressed what a bad idea you thought it was etc would your dh view you as trying to control him ? and if he didnt end up buying it would he consider that he had 'given in to you'

sorry if these seem crazy questions !

1.no, DH would not do that.

1. It is him but he is telling you clearly he is not prepared to change and you should leave if you are not happy. It is an MN classic but if somebody tell you who they are then listen to them.
2. Again no. We also have separate pocket money accounts to spend on our own stuff, no agreed or non essentials are paid for from there.

hi - I can't get past the seeing to himself in bed next to you question... WTAF? no-one should have to live that...

Sex should always be about you both wanting it. And for the final question - your opinion counts. This is shared money and it isn't bullying/haranguing/controlling to make yourself heard.

An apology means absolutely fuck all if it just keeps happening. As I have explained to my 6 yo. She gets it. Not sure why yours doesn't - he sounds generally a bit hard - of - understanding though.

Why on earth does he think you want to be party to his shuffling himself off every night?

It doesn't sound good tbh op. Ducks in a row time maybe?

dh is the type to get stressed very easily , he also has a stressful job . When i have a disagreement with him or air my grievances he quickly gets very loud, defensive and animated and it quickly ends up in a row

Is that how he behaves in the workplace? If so, I imagine that his colleagues are also of the opinion that they have 'stressful' jobs due to his behaviour.

Regardless, it sounds to me as if your h is a bad tempered self-entitled twat who wants to have his own way in all things and has little consideration for the needs of others.

Was he like this before you married him? Do you have dc?

We masturbate but if the other isn't up for that then that's respected and we don't try to involve each other with masturbation.

If DH or I aren't happy, we are upset that the other isn't happy and don't try to turn it into a pissing completion or dictate how the other should be feeling, just accept that that's how they are feeling and try to make it better.

Money wise, I don't believe in joint accounts. We both have seperate current accounts and ensure we both have equal I share of the disposable income after the bills have been paid. I've never had to ask him if I can spend, and nor has he. Needing to ask/justify/calculate with another if fair or doable any spending is just massive potential for arguments. This would especially be the case in our marriage As he spends more every month and I'm more frugal but then spend occasionally on larger items, that'd be a nightmare to keep track on what was equal! I wouldn't want that. We don't argue about money because we've never needed to.

Lots of different issues.

The short fuse thing is up to him to sort out. Quite possibly counselling would help him if he was willing.

Taking any kind of sex off the table in a marriage or LTR seems unfair though. He's not asking anything much of you, not threatening to go else where and you want him to either not masturbate or do it where you can't see it. I wouldn't be ok with my partner saying that to me to be honest. Doesn't seem to be a lot of affection in your relation. The problem with no affection is that you rapidly get more distance less connected etc. Its much harder to keep the relationship going well without affection, part of which would normally be sexual contact.

The big spend thing shows the issue with just having joint spending. Maybe its time to rethink your joint finances? If you can have an essentials joint account and your own spending accounts of the rest of the money then these issues shouldn't arise. However if he wants something that is not entirely unreasonable and there is the money available for it why not.