Very difficult dm anyone else?

[mrsmeerkat]

I have really struggled with my mother for years. The relationship growing up was not easy. she is very critical of me and needy.

As years have passed I have read a lot..reduced contact somewhat (cannot go no contact). around the time of my wedding was the nastiest and also my graduation day and hen party were soiled my her being 'sick'. one of which turned out to be constipation.
So she rolls into the hen 'I made it from a&e to be here for my daughter's hen'

nothing was right about the wedding. her brother wasn't in the immediate family photo (ie parents and siblings). I could go on.

mine and dh first foreign holiday she fell and said she was scared for her life.

I add she is in her fifties!!!

anyway she is ill now.. genuinely but I am so hurt and down. I think she is a very spoiled and crass woman. She twists things (that i say things to upset her or dh does) and then my father phones me to give me the third degree

i visited yesterday and yet today df phones my dh to say I am needed at home to clean so he can go out an not to bring the dc as dm can't handle them (she wouldn't be minding them she is in bed watching telly)

I know I am selfish but I am so tired of it all. I have a full time job. two very small dc and in-laws are quite needy and moany and I don't know. I need to get it all out. sorry

Mrs M, you have FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) in spades. These are three of many damaging legacies left by such inadequate parents to their now adult offspring.

Do visit and post on the Stately Homes thread on these pages. I would also suggest you read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and see how much if any of that resonates with your own experiences.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. Sounds like you are the scapegoat for all your family of origin's inherent ills. Scapegoats often have huge difficulties with boundaries when it comes to a narcissistic parent and their enabler. This is mainly because they have been trained to serve them and also because they have never been encouraged to have any boundaries.

You need to establish boundaries; one simple thing you can do is turn your phone off.

Your sibling is likely to be the golden child within this dynamic and is probably far more favoured.

Your dad is her willing enabler; narcissistic women always but always need a willing enabler to help them. Your dad has acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life; he has failed you also as a parent to you. Such weak men also need someone like your mother to idolise; he is really her hatchet man here and cannot be at all relied upon. Your father often works away purely and simply to get his own self away from her.

It is NOT your fault your mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way. Her own family did that to her.

I really appreciate the support here. thank you

It has really damaged friendships as I can't take any form of hassle from anyone. I feel I need to be on my own a lot.

DH understands and thinks both my parents have massive issues and take liberties.

Waking up this morning I feel it wasn't the cleaning. I was at their house the day before and I think they wanted me there so say to have the day to himself guilt free but the cheek then to not allow me to bring dc annoys me also. We are rennovating our bathroom and she knows that so dh couldn't get any work done here.

Also she criticises everything I do but she had carpet fittersfitter last week and going for what I am having

she critises dc shows and when I get new ones she doesn't mention it.

.. just a bit of an update.

I was feeling a bit guilty yesterday an visited again only to discover dm had gone away into the city centre with her friend for the day (two hour round trip friend doesn't drive)

I think I am being made a fool of :(