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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is my dh so ungrateful?

49 replies

WestNchick · 19/03/2016 07:43

My dh doesn't seem to appreciate just how easy he has it. Been married ten years and have two children together both under 10. I get them ready in the mornings and do all the school runs, all the cooking and looking after the house, I pay half the household bills if not more yet he earns twice what I do.
I work shifts which always fit around the kids so never had to use childcare. I take the kids to their activities and do all the school work etc. Dh comes home to food that I have prepared and leaves the dishes in the sink. He will then sit on the couch for the rest of the night watching to until he goes to bed.
Due to changes at work I have had to pick up some extra hours. On these days he gets the kids up and takes them to childminders before work or I do it depending on what time I have to be at work.
He doesn't help me or the kids with anything but yet if any of his friends or friends wives call him to do anything he is there in a flash.
A few weeks ago he flipped out and called my cousin to say that I dont do anything and that I don't even cook for him saying what is a wife for etc... It's like he expects a traditional wife in the home and then a modern wife to split the bill. I am continuously running on empty because I do everything and get no break. If I work weekends he visits friends and the wives cook for him. I am assuming that because of this he wants me to serve him. There is no partnership in the marriage and I can only assume that when he visits these friends he wants me to be like their wives.
We were born in the same country but I was raised here, he wasn't.
He told my cousin that if I want a divorce I should tell him. He has not told me this and has not spoken to me even though we live in the same house.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Caprinihahahaha · 19/03/2016 08:42

To be honest, kids tends to love their dads. They love their parents even if their parents are arseholes. So 'the kids love him' is not a positive

He can cook but doesn't. Also not a positive.

He cleans the yard. That's it. You are knackered and living in a crap relationship but hey, he cleans the yard.

Don't shout. That's terrible advice. Just stop doing stuff for him. Practice bring a single parent now.

Original poster

WestNchick · 19/03/2016 08:44

Othehugemantatee

I agree, I think that's why he goes and eats at people's houses. They can back him up can't he when he says I never cook.

OP posts:

Original poster

WestNchick · 19/03/2016 08:47

Thank you all so much for your advice, I feel better just being able to vocalise how I have been feeling.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 19/03/2016 08:47

even the positives aren't great are there? nothing there for you.

you are a single parent already. he makes you miserable. i'd be going to a solicitor for advice tbh.

annandale · 19/03/2016 08:48

How about him writing down what he thinks he should do in the house; and you then list all the things he hasn't mentioned. Then for a week he could actually do what he thinks he should do, ticking it off as he goes. Then have a blazing row discussion about it.

And tell him if he's going to say anything about you, you want him to say it to your face. Incidentally that might go for you too...

Original poster

WestNchick · 19/03/2016 09:09

Annadale
That sounds like a good idea, I think writing a list will be good as he can see exactly who does what.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 19/03/2016 09:14

Or get him to write what he does, and then write what he thinks you do so you can put him right.

It's important for him to see it for himself, assuming he's a reasonable man?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2016 09:20

Why do you think he being presented with a list would be at all helpful?. He is not going to take any notice of that, he thinks that your job here is to do everything whilst he swans about.

RandomMess · 19/03/2016 09:28

Stop paying for half of everything for a start... at least that way you can have access to some cash if you need it.

I would honestly go away for 2 weeks to help our family/go on holiday and leave him to look after the DC in that time... 3-4 weeks would be even better as the he'd actually have to wash, clean etc.

Stop doing his laundry etc.

Your marriage sounds long over tbh.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 19/03/2016 09:43

Agree with going away and leaving him to it for a few days. A friend of mine did this and it totally transformed her DH opinion and made him respect her massively.

Could be w last ditch attempt before you decide to call it a day?

eddielizzard · 19/03/2016 09:47

agree with attila.

he believes he shouldn't help so lists are no good. he probably will refuse to write one or look at yours.

Joysmum · 19/03/2016 09:48

Why do you think he being presented with a list would be at all helpful?

Because I believe it would help in the process the OP needs to go through to help her understand that's she's reasonable and further highlight his unreasonableness and the lack of hope of that ever changing.

Then she can decide whether her life as it stands is acceptable, or not.

As with and relationship, there's a process to be gone though to try to affect change and the OP needs to know she's done all she can to improve things.

Unlike with the common cry of LTB on mumsnet, we always need to prepare ourselves mentally first and know we did our best before it ever gets to that stage. There when the time comes, we can go forwards with less doubts and in a better frame of mind to face the future.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2016 09:57

"As with and relationship, there's a process to be gone though to try to affect change and the OP needs to know she's done all she can to improve things".

Yes but she has lived like this for a number of years to her own (and in turn her children's) detriment. Her own three positives re him are really weak. This man is totally resistant to change; his own sense of entitlement is vast and he sees his wife here really as a non person. How does change take place at all given that?.

How could this woman also go away for a few days when he does not help with these children anyway?. She would be too worried about the welfare of her children to even countenance such and he would likely sabotage any attempts for her to have a break.

Why is she paying half the bills too given that she is a stay at home parent?. He's likely insisted on that as well.

nonetcurtains · 19/03/2016 10:00

I agree with the list making, however I would ask him to list everything that he thinks you do, then only do what's on that list for a week or two. He can pick up everything else that hasn't been done.

Original poster

WestNchick · 19/03/2016 10:18

I didn't say I was a stay at home parent I work full time, just not your average 9-5 job. I do all I do and work. In fact if I calculate my hours I probably do more hours than he does.
If I am at work When he isn't the kids are with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

WestNchick · 19/03/2016 10:19

That was to atilla

OP posts:

puft · 19/03/2016 10:40

I think everyone screaming LTB is a bit previous.
Don't you owe it to yourselves to try and work it out?
Just because he's got old fashioned views it doesn't mean he will never change. Yes, his behaviour is deeply entrenched but if he hadn't been called up on it effectively... He's just getting away with it for as long as he can. At least you should give him a chance to change by spelling it out for him. He's obviously massively taking you for granted but maybe he would understand how unreasonable he is being if you go through it rationally.
I would put it down on paper as previously suggested.
I am working full time.
I am looking after the children single handedly. I am cooking for you and cleaning for you.
I am paying half of all the bills.
I am contributing twice as much to this relationship than you are without your acknowledgement or support. You are telling our family lies about our relationship and household arrangements.
Tell him you won't continue like this.
I really hope you work it out unless of course you really want out of the marriage in which case good luck but you don't sound like you need it, you're a remarkable woman.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2016 10:45

West,

I realised that you work shifts around looking after your children only after I had initially posted, sorry about that.

But my question re you paying half the bills is important; why are you doing that at all given he earns far more anyway?.

When is this man ever at home anyway?. When he is there he seems simply to just eat and sit in front of the tv. You are there simply to serve him. The man wants a slave, not a wife.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.

Its hard to leave yes but remaining within this at all will be a lot harder for you in the long run.

Do you really think he will at all respond to a list?.

Original poster

WestNchick · 19/03/2016 10:47

Puft
Thank you very much for your advice, I really appreciate it and I think that is the action that I should be taking. I often here LTB on these threads and it's difficult to put in a lot of info without outing myself. I will discuss it with him and see what happens. I guess we both need to express ourselves and see where it takes us.
We have kids I am not going to leave without trying to resolve the problem.
Thank you all for your advice.

OP posts:

puft · 19/03/2016 10:52

Good luck west

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2016 11:01

West

If someone else was writing what you have written, what would your response be?.

His views are far more than just being "old fashioned" or even cultural differences; he feels actively entitled to treat you as he does. Look at his parents OP; his dad probably acts in a similar manner to his wife as your H does to you now.

Re your comment:-
"I will discuss it with him and see what happens. I guess we both need to express ourselves and see where it takes us.
We have kids I am not going to leave without trying to resolve the problem".

How do you feel about your H when you look at him?.

Trying to paper over the schisms in the relationship by yourself is not going to help you in the long run. You will make yourself ill if you carry on like you are doing. HE has to want to change, he has no incentive or real desire to do so. He sees you as a non person and treats you as such.

How do you think this is ever going to be resolved?. You could well be in the same situation in a year's time. You have children but they need to be taught positive lessons about relationships and how these are conducted.

How can you have a discussion with him when he seemingly has no conversation with you. Between helping others and his work, when is he ever at home anyway?. He seems to talk far more to his friends, family and cousin than he ever does to you. Your man is wanting you to ask for a divorce so he can further portray himself as a good person making you look like the bad guy.

Joysmum · 19/03/2016 11:08

I will discuss it with him and see what happens

Good for you.

You need to go through the process and at least get to the bastion of trying to realise he isn't and never intends to.

NNalreadyinuse · 19/03/2016 13:25

The smartest thing I ever read on MN was along the lines of how how much better the world would be for women if they stopped putting 100% effort into a relationship that a man, even at his best, only ever put 50% into.
It's true - women are conditioned to turn themselves inside out trying to fix relationships with lazy, useless blokes who make zero effort in return.

Personally I think starting this thread is step one of the mental preparation towards ending this relationship.

The list of his positive qualities was really sad, actually. There is nothing to salvage if those were the most positive attributes you could think of.

springydaffs · 19/03/2016 13:51

him saying what is a wife for

That locates him right there. He is saying a wife should be a slave to her man and do all the shit work. As far as he's concerned, you're doing - or not doing - what you are supposed to so why should he be grateful? He cooks now and again - that's your job and he's helping you out...

I agree about writing things down. Put it to him that two flatmates share a flat and should be sharing equal chores , yes? Then equate it with that's how you see a marriage. Then write down what those chores are - leave NOTHING out - adding hours worked outside the home, financial contributions etc. No to: the wife does the shit donkey work endlessly, serving her man; husband lolls about doing nothing and thinking he's god's gift and should be waited on. That isn't what you want - who would? It is an extraordinarily shit deal.

I have to say I am enraged he jumps-to for everyone else so they think he's Mr Wonderful.

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