Another incompetent man child

[OiFrog]

Things aren't right and I don't know if I can be bothered to fix them. I've been with DH 9 years married for 2. Two little ones under 5. We've had lots of fun together and I guess at some point, I was mad about him.

For me the main turning point was when we had dd1. She wasn't planned, I then had a horrendous birth. I gave birth on a Friday and he was back at work the following Monday. I really struggled coping and subsequently had PND. I had little support from him and no one to fall back on as it were. Even when I had an infection 10 days after the birth, and feverish in bed he refused to take time off to be with us. I had to catch a black cab to the Gp who sent me back to the hospital.

We now have 2dds, low and behold I had another bout of PND. We've now moved to the middle of nowhere. I'm even more isolated than before. I've continued to be a sahm mainly because of childcare costs being prohibitively expensive. I essentially bring the girls up alone as he works all the hours God sends because he "enjoys it".

Everything came to a head two weeks ago when he found my stash of sex toys. I think he felt hurt that I had them. That I needed them. Sex has been non existant for months, I'm simply not interested. He on ther other had is constantly groping me at every opportunity. Begging for sex. It's a massive turn off. He's skulked off down stairs after I told him I didn't want to be touched.

I've gone from feeling neglected and unloved to a little bemused. He's now pulled out all the stops. Been buying me flowers. Arranged a weekend away. Trying badly to pull his way as a father and husband. I'm not sure what to make of it. I've called him out on it, if he cared that much why the hell have I spent the last 4 years asking him to 'be here'!

On the face of it he's a hard working, lovely guy providing for his family. I should be happy, I have it all, a lovely house and a nice car and several holidays a year. I'm not. The reality is he works all week out of the house 5.30am to 8pm but when he's here he does nothing. Children are not dressed unless I ask. He used to wake with them in the morning say at 6 on a weekend make himself breakfast but not feed them. I would have to feed them when I woke at 10. They're both more verbal about their needs being met now. He undermines my parenting. He can't do anything without supervision or instructions. We're not equals, I feel like his mother always asking him to do xyz, doing the majority of the thinking for everyone.

I'm tired. I disengaged a long time ago. I don't care anymore and he knows it. I stopped begging asking for his support. I'm utterly miserable to be honest and I don't expect to be here at 30 but I need to grow a pair and make that decision for all our sakes.

"its possible your DH doesn't appreciate what you do because he has no notion of how difficult your role actually is. "

Yeah I agree it could be this.

I think sometimes a lot of us men have it in our heads that mums spend every day meeting up with other mothers and their children to have coffee and nice afternoons in the park whilst we bust our balls working silly hours in the office to pay for it all.

Obviously this isn't true, but perhaps he does think that the OP has it easy somehow. Same as most people think that working from home is easier and cushier than going out to a job to work.

I think it's all too easy to get bound up in what has been wrong. That makes it far more difficult to move on and work out what ones next.

My advice is to think about what you want going forward. What would your day to day life look like. Would he be in it, and if so, what would he be doing?

Then you need to communicate what you need.

Of course what he's done dince his epithany won't make up for the past, it will never do that. You need to decide if the new him (if it continues indefinitely) is what you'd originally envisaged your lives to be like, and if it what you want now?

He'll never be able to atone for the past so expecting that to happen is unrealistic. What do you want for you future other than that?

...oh and if you aren't happy, it's also a good idea to look within to see if there are changes you can make, rather than being reliant/blaming him if there's things you can do differently too.

I say that only because although my DH has made the changes I wanted, I was intrinsically unhappy myself so have retrained and am setting up my own business as well as restarting a hobby. Picture is now nearing completion.

A million little uncaring actions are more corrosive than one big betrayal.

This has hit the nail on the head.

I will get private counselling sessions booked as soon as my youngest starts preschool after Easter.

Yes his choice to go straight back to work after both pregnancies. Granted he does work for a company that has a reputation for expecting staff to be at their desks from 7 to 7, but often he's not home till 9 or 10.

Yes I agree. Giving up work was the biggest mistake I ever made! Unfortunately with the industry I worked in international travel is the norm. I couldn't go back to that with two little ones, certainly not when DH has so far been unwilling to either request more flexibility in his current role or work for a company that was a little more flexible. I need to work if anything for my own sense of wellbeing. Retraining is on the cards. As well as starting a business where I ca work from home but yet again I'm waiting for my youngest to start preschool. Dd1 starts school in September which again will make things a little easier.

I don't have family close by, most are abroad. 2 DB's live 3 hrs away and I couldn't impose on either of them. NC with my DM after an unstable childhood, domestic violence and EA etc. It's been better all round for my mental health.

There was a lot of disagreement about where we should buy. We had to move as we'd outgrown his flat but he wasn't willing to sell it in order to buy something suitable for us all in London. In the end we moved out to a place which if it were my choice I wouldn't have picked. Equidistant between work and his family. It's a lovely place but my face will never fit iykwim. There were also promises of better support from PIL, allowing me to go back to work, which never materialised. The increased commute time as well as his already very long working hours have been pretty damaging to the family as a whole.

He doesn't meet my needs and hasn't done for a long time apart from the roof over my head etc Yes I knew what I was getting into when I had my second DC, but naively I guess, I hoped that things would be different. The thought of this being it for the next 20 years feels me with dread. I just don't think I can do it. I do feel trapped and of course the guilt of people knowing our difficulties.

We have a few properties all with equity. A number of others held in trust. Investments in my name for tax purposes. Technically I would be able to buy a property outright for DD's and I. But these all 'his', on one hand I wouldn't feel right leaving the marriage with far more than I ever brought in but I also feel it's only fair that DD's and to a certain extent I, are adequately provided for. I'm absolutely under no illusions that our standard of living will not be the same. I'm fine with that. I don't think I can stay just because we have a 'nice life'. There has to be more, traits I was willing to accept in my 20's are just not attractive in my 30's.

Thanks for all the kind words. I really appreciate it.

I'm not blameless in all of this. Like I said I was young and naive. I too readily people please even though deep down its not what I want. I'm too critical at times. I need things to be ordered or I get anxious. It's easier to do things myself rather than ask someone to do it badly. I'm not at all assertive. It not all his fault we've got where we are because we both didn't make time for each other when it was necessary. We put the kids first but underneath it all our relationship is failing.

Best of luck for you future. You sound decided, when do you think you'll get the ball rolling, or are you going to sit on this for a bit?

Perhaps you shouldn't write off the DBs - do they have DCs? perhaps you could babysit for each other sometimes if you lived nearby - that would be useful.

On the financial front:

You have put your career on hold and taking a knock back to look after HIS children

You have looked after the DC so he could fulfil HIS desire to work long demanding hours

You have moved somewhere HE chose because you won't worth selling the flat for.

HE has benefitted from you not working by using your name as a tax advantage

You will be left bringing up HIS children with no support from him.

HE needs to support his DC financially

Marriage is a legal contract, you gaining a roof over your and the DC head is part of that contract. He is responsible for his behaviour towards you and the DC do not fall into the guilt trap of ending it meaning that you do not deserve to have a secure future.

So far this marriage all sounds like it's all gone his way/with what he wants and no compromise from him.

It's ok not to want to be with him anymore. You've tried. You could spell out exactly waht you want from a relationship to him, but if he can't be that man then you could talk about separation. But you need to safeguard your future finances first.

God this all sounds familiar op

I was in exactly this pickle when the kids were tiny. I'm in a similar pickle now they're big

Nothing helpful to add, but I feel it

Investments in your name are part of the marital assets . As are his pension and wages and savings since you married, any properties or other investments over that period .

50% of these are the starting point for negotiation . Please don't even THINK that crap about " well it's his money " . You have enabled him to earn that by taking full responsibility for his children 24/7 for years . You have compromised your career because of him . As the main carer, you will undoubtedly earn less than him ( after childcare ) for years .

You owe it to your children to get a fair settlement . You will be supporting them for another 20 years so you need to be practical and not noble. Your kids won't thank you for your principles when they see their step siblings getting a private education or going to university fully while they can't afford it .

He used to wake with them in the morning say at 6 on a weekend make himself breakfast but not feed them.

I can't get past that.

Gestures are so much easier to deliver than ongoing involvement.

It's understandable that many people will see "He's trying to make amends" but, really, what amends can be made for two complete failures to be there when you were desperately ill & needing help, year after year of ignoring you and resenting his children's basic requirements, like food? Sounds more like a rather poor employer than a life partner.

In that same vein - if an employer refused me the rise or promotion I felt I deserved, then offered it after I'd tendered my resignation, I always took the other job. People who don't care about you until you're walking out the door aren't worth staying in with! (It took me too long to apply the same principle to my relationships, but I did learn.)

It sounds as though you can easily afford to separate, but don't expect him to make it happen smoothly. You'll need strong emotional armour - the right counsellor and solicitor can help with that.

You deserve a fulfilled life. You deserve help and support. You deserve choices on how to get that.

Mud and anyone else in the same situation.

Joy, I think i'll sit tight for the moment and get myself organised first. And you're right about looking within, lots to change. It's certainly going to be my focus in the comming months.

Garlic, some of the things are at best selfish at worst neglectful. Thinking about it now just makes me so angry. An adult shouldn't need to be told to put the needs of their child first. Luckily they're both very vocal now.

Finances are tricky. There is all sorts of involvement family business with the inlaws. Investments and various other things in my name. Obviously yes some are marital assets, I need to be clear which will be considered as such and which won't. I need to understand the implications If we intend to have a clean break . I'll need a decent solicitor to wade through it all.

Of course, come September schooling comes into the mix too. DD's have been accepted to join a local pre-prep. At this stage I couldn't foresee how I would ever be able to afford it alone not that they have to go to a private school. But they're all things that I'm going to have to think about.

Sounds like you e got a lot of thinking to do, maybe see if you can see a solicitor on the sly too so you've got a better idea of where you stand and what you'd need to prepare for.

I'm a great believer in giving yourself as much info as you can so you won't have fear of the unknown and that staying is a choice rather than the only thing you feel is possible.

You'll get there. Plan for the future and put it all into action when you're able to.

My mum stayed with my dad way after was ideal. She used me as the excuse (I mention this because of your schooling mention) but in reality it was because she wasn't ready emotionally and didn't want to think of herself as weak or helpless. She was neither, there was no shame in not being ready but she'd have been happier in herself if she'd seen staying as her choice rather than persuading herself she was trapped, this meant she was even less satisfied and struggled more with her lot until she finally did leave him.

Yeah no I can't get past the bit where he doesn't feed his little girls for four hours either. What a fucking tool. No wonder your skin crawls.