Leather fetish

[Needsomepointsofview321]

Hi I'm a name changer.
About 18 months ago I found out my husband was having an emotional affair for which he blamed me. Cut a long story short he chose to stay with me about 15 months ago. The pain I feel is still agonising but very very slowly decreasing. A lot of hysterical bonding followed which has now definitely petered out. One of the big problems in our relationship is my husband can't perform sexually without me wearing leather. The minimum is a skirt but ideally jacket or boots too. The only way I can get him interested in me is to wear leather, not just to bed but during the day too. I hate that I have to do this but also don't want a pretty much sexless marriage which is what happened before his emotional affair. I since found out he was also messaging two other younger and attractive women. All this seems to have stopped and he's made some massive gestures throughout the last year and also hundreds of small but lovely and thoughtful things too. He talks about our future together and I feel being together is what we both want but this leather thing is a biggie. Thoughts please.

You cannot be doing things you hate so he can get his rocks off. If it was occasionally and you didn't mind that's one thing, but if he's insisting (directly or indirectly) that you need to do this and you actively don't want to, that's another.

Are you sure you want to stay with him? A man who makes you do things you don't like for his own gratification and who is messaging other women?

If I wasn't into it, I wouldn't debase myself for anyone never mind a cheating man.

When you say he "blamed you" for his affair in what way did he say it was your fault ? I think the main problem here is you are appeasing him by having sex you don't want (or the type of sex you don't want) in order to stop him straying again.

That could never work, whether it was leather or rubbing custard pies in his face to get off.

If he is serious about wanting to stay with you, loves you and wants the relationship to work, surely it is up to him to sort himself out ie do whatever it takes to enable himself to be able to be aroused without leather.

Surely even with fetishes, they can't be all the time? It surely isn't sustainable for either of you. And it's up to him to sort that out, not for you to have to keep wearing something to play to his problem.

You've never found out why he had an affair, he just blames you - charming. So, he'll do it again then and again, it will be your fault.

As for the leather - are you his puppet - tell him to fuck off, he should be moving hell and earth and on his knees begging your forgiveness, not stipulating what you fucken wear.

Honestly, either be your own person or live your life through him, I know what I'd be doing.

He isn't messaging women now but was when he was having the emotional affair. The affair obviously wasn't my fault as I'm not accountable for his actions but I do take responsibility for 50% of the problems we had in our marriage before it happened (very long story).
Thank you for replying. After 20 years of being coerced into something it's hard to see the wood from the trees.

I'm bumping this as really need some thoughts from people as it's such a difficult topic to discuss.
Would you ladies just say 'no I don't want to wear leather all the time' even if you then knew that no leather means no sex and no sex means the relationship is at risk of more messaging or whatever with other women.
I know that sound really pathetic but it's hard weighing up slipping on a leather skirt every so often but feeling it's not quite right and then thinking is it that so bad to completely break up my family home and 20 years of what we've built up.

What is it you have "built up" ?

You are in a sexual coercive relationship. He has cheated and doesn't appear to have had any consequences for it...in fact he has you worried he will cheat again if you don't do what he demands.

I would take this down not build it up to something it is not.

Op

You can't try saving a relationship by losing yourself, your essentially overriding all of your values and bottom lines to please a another human being. This isn't what a relationship is about, did his ow do the same thing? Is this really a fettish or is he just seeing how far you will go to please him.

I hope in some sick way he isn't laughing his self to sleep with putting yourself through this, he should be dancing on the heads of pins to pull this back, but it seems it's you that's doing that.

You cannot force someone to have sex with you if they don't really want to, if the leathers a no go and it's obvious it's making you feel humiliated deep down, then stop doing it and deal with the consequences. No one is worth abdicating your values and morals for, hes abdicated his already the day he fell dick first into another woman.

Thank you for replying, you have given me much to think about. The affair he had was an emotional affair with a woman who lives overseas. The leather thing is definitely a fetish. We have tried sex without it but he couldn't preform. I'm torn. In many ways we get on so well and do lots of really lovely things together and I love our family unit. But the leather thing is eating away at me. It has for years and now with the trust issues too I'm finding things hard.

They're not "trust issues". You cannot trust him because he has proven himself untrustworthy. That's sensible, not fricking "trust issues". Sorry, but really - it's taking on the notion that you are the one with the problem by using that phrase. Which isn't so. He's the one that screwed up.

Ask yourself:

Would you enjoy having sex with someone who isnt enjoying it?

Consent should be free and enthusiastic- he's degrading you sexually for his own enjoyment. You're worth more than that

It isn't that I'm not enjoying the sex I am. Physically it feels really good. I don't like the feeling that's it's the leather that arouses him and not me. I wouldn't mind if it was like a once a month thing like some people put their high heals on as a bit of a 'treat' for their partner type of thing. The problem is its every time. Is just doesn't feel normal or acceptable to me but he makes it seem normal and that all men like leather so he's the normal one.Does any one else have experienced with fetishes or their partners being into leather?

I'd work on getting intimate without the leather. Maybe he has built it up in his head that he needs it and really doesn't. Tell him to close his eyes and use his imagination that you are wearing leather if it helps, and maybe go vegan ;)
Seriously though i think you are making an amazing go at things and the fact that you essentially do enjoy the sex has to be a great thing to build on.

I don't like the feeling that it's the leather that arouses him and not me.

^ this^

You know something isn't quite right. Go with your gut.

Fetishes and fantasies can be fun, but only if there's mutual respect. From your posts, it doesn't sound like he respects you. It sounds as if he is being manipulative.

If it was you or the fetish, what would he choose?

I have a leather skirt, and my partner finds really enjoys me wearing it, I enjoy it too!

ZOMBIE THREAD

THIS THREAD IS SIX YEARS OLD. The OP has probably divorced and remarried by now!

@Needsomepointsofview321

It isn't that I'm not enjoying the sex I am. Physically it feels really good. I don't like the feeling that's it's the leather that arouses him and not me. I wouldn't mind if it was like a once a month thing like some people put their high heals on as a bit of a 'treat' for their partner type of thing. The problem is its every time. Is just doesn't feel normal or acceptable to me but he makes it seem normal and that all men like leather so he's the normal one.Does any one else have experienced with fetishes or their partners being into leather?

I've never been with a man who expressed any interest in leather or requested it. I'm sure it's normal as a kink and lots of men like it but it's definitely not something that every man likes or craves.

Even if it was, in his case it's a fetish and he can't perform without it and that is not normal. Sounds like he has fetishistic disorder. Disorder being the important word there.

A fetishist's main sexual relationship is not with their partner, it's with their fetish.

The partner isn't even a support act. They're more like the stage. The partner's main role is to enable the fetish. This is why he can't perform without you wearing leather. This can make women feel incredibly devalued, as if they're sexually invisible. You gave the right not to be ok with that.

ZOMBIE THREAD

Whilst this is a zombie thread folk may still read it as in a similar situation. My answer (as a woman) is to embrace it & take it further. If hubby wants you in leather then go the extra mile. Buy what he would like you to wear (he pays). Then get accessories for BDSM as he's clearly turned on by this. Whips & floggers. Canes too. Tell him that these turn you on big time. And that if you can whip him (see internet for safety tips) you'll be orgasmic in the leather for him. Play him at his own game. Get the boots too! What woman does not like knee or thigh boots.

He’s clearly not vegan!

Crikey, I've been on Mumsnet too long.