No sex for 15 months.....

[breevanderkampindisguise]

Firstly, re the username, everything I tried had gone and since I've been amusing myself at what a tidy freak I've become since being on maternity leave, I decided this was quite apt !
So, I've been with my husband for 10 years but married to him for nearly 2. We have a 6 month old gorgeous little boy. When we first met 10 years ago, sex was fantastic. We had some issues over the 8 years before we got married which we worked through and it made our relationship better, but fundamentally my husband and I have a very loving and respectful relationship - we have our ups and downs like any long term partnership,but it's a good relationship. Dh has a v.stressful job and I had a v.stressful paid job before I went on maternity leave...now I have different stresses of course.
I got pregnant very quickly (planned) and then my dh went off sex completely throughout my pregnancy - that phobia about feeling funny because the "baby might know" (Yeah right). Not unusually I suspect, we haven't had sex since he was born in July. I'm too embarassed to admit this to even my closest friends.
I don't honestly think my dh has a massive sex drive. I also think he gets quite stressed about his job and it becomes all consuming and he isn't a man who needs a release through sex (although he might obviously satisfy himself alone...I don't know). We are tactile with one another - cuddling up on the sofa, in bed when we get a chance but when it comes to sex I almost think we both feel a bit shy now.
Does that seem weird? What do we do ? Do we need counselling or will it just happen. He tried to make a move on hoiday in the bath with our 5 month old on the playmat in the bathroom near feed time - mmm not such a good idea....
Oh dear - it's constantly in the back of my mind that we need to do something about it or else it'll become an even greater issue than it already is.
Help

Hey there - that's a tough one. It sounds pretty stressful having to tip toe around each other waiting for the right moment, or for both of you to be in the mood. Why don't you agree to book in a proper date night that you both know will end up with going to bed for some fun. Get all frocked up, make dinner, chat, drink some wine and then just go for it.
I've done something like that in the past except my DH just came home to a romantic dinner, me in something sexy etc... We don't have kids yet though (I'm 5 months preggers) so that definitely makes it much easier to do.

Good luck.

Mmm, given the lack of response you Mn'ers must have great sex lives. Good on you is all I can say !!!
Where am I going wrong.???

bree, have 2 ds's and both times I was preggers my dh hated sex. He just couldn't get his head around it. All I can say is that after the 1st born our sex life wesn't great, but since having the 2nd (quite close together), I feel more confident about my body and so does dh. I think you both need to make an effort and maybe talk about it?

I think some men get quite freaked out by how much your body changes during and after pregnancy. Also most of your attention is going on your baby right now (which is perfectly normal), so he might feel like he's missing out?

I can totally relate to your situation - the thing about being a bit shy with each other, in particular. In my first pg I was violently sick for months and felt so rotten that sex was the last thing on my mind, by the time that stopped I was vast and the technicalities were offputting.....

We got over it - some time after DS arrival - by:
having some dates
getting a bit tiddly and talking about it
going on holiday and deciding tonight was the night

We are now expecting number 2, but haven't had the same issues this pg, fortunately.

So I would say, you need to find time to properly relax together, and yes, I would speak directly about it.

Good luck

I think it's normal to feel "shy" in this situation. Is there anyone who can take dc for night to give you some space.

Once read an article about this sort of thing written by a sex therapist. Her advice was like "Nike"-"just do it"

Have you talked to dh about it. Have been in this "shy" situation myself, and the best way over it for me was to talk about it, and then "just do it". When we talked about it, dp also felt "shy" as well!

My dh went off sex every time I was pg - it's not unusual. I find the longer you go without the less you miss it and then it becomes hard to get back on the saddle - so to speak. You know that when you do you will both wonder why it took so long so you really have just got to take a deep breath and go for it. It's just a cycle that needs to be broken, you'll be fine once you've done that.

Someone said on another thread recently that they'd never heard of anyone say their sex life had got better since having children, but i would say that ours has. Although part of that is that they've got a bit older now (youngest is 4).

You may feel shy, silly, embarassed etc but you can bet your life that your dh will be pleased if you make the first move.

I think you sort of get 'out of practice' and lose the 'habit' of having sex (I know it sounds a bit odd...).

The logistics of life with a baby - especially a young baby needing frequent feeds/attention can be pretty daunting and you can end up stifling any nooky-type feelings because you know the baby will wake up/be hungry/need changing half way through etc etc and then you forget to 'unstifle' those feelings

If you want to be having sex with your DH...then just do it! Get a baby sitter or grab him 5 minutes after ds has gone to sleep, for an impromptu session - doesn't have to be in bed, at night after all!

Thanks all, I feel a bit better about this now and even feeling like I might pluck up the courage and take the plunge now....mmmmm.

Funny isn't it - if my dh had gone off sex for the first 6 months after ds was born I would have been delighted. Babyshock and a bad sleeper left me knackered - the only thing I wanted to do in bed was sleep. Luckily the feeling wore off!

My little one is 10mnths old, and its taken till know to get the spark back into our sex life, though it's not fully lighted but it's better than before, i did admit a few months ago during a conversation with him about it, that if i dont feel good about myself and my body then i would not be showing it off, even to my partner. He does understand this and has always gave me compliments, but he has a fairly sex drive and i know it must be frustrating for him, as before we had the little one, we were like rabbits. The best nights are after us being out, im more relaxed and can go with the flow (thats the drink for you!!!). Mental how having a baby can upset your body....

Just wanted to say best of luck, and I hope you manage to overcome the hurdle. I'm sure it'll get easier once you start back up again (as it were).

I think I am sealing back up again, it's been so long....

I always think that sex for the first time after having a baby is almost like being a virgin again. I know that sounds daft but I think you feel so nervous and anxious about it, but like when you lost your virginity once you have done it, its easier and much less of an issue.

It could be that your dh is as worried and shy about it as you are. It would be nice if you and your dh could go away for a night or two on your own a local hotel would be good use room service and take a few bottles of wine and just relax....

good luck