Having a bit of a wobble

[MooningIntoTheAbyss]

not a wobble as such but a moment.

am separating from h. and am finding it hard. its actually being surprisingly nice.
But all that does is makes me feel like the bad guy. the asshole.
dc don't know what is going on yet and so at home it is life as normal oil they go to bed. which is really fucking hard. cooking a family dinner, sitting down altogether and eating and talking. then the kids want us to play with them together. this might mean holding his hand while we dance around the living room.
but once the kids are in bed its me in the kitchen and him on the sofa.
he gets up very early for work so he wants to sleep around 8pm, so he is on the sofa.
ds still sleeps in his cot in my room and is a crappy sleeper so i have no where else to go once everyone is in bed but into the kitchen and sit on a dining chair with the iPad.

i am almost past the anger stage and into the grief stage. this has been such a long time coming that i think i have accepted it can't work and now i am grieving for the loss. and not just the loss of the marriage or relationship but the actual loss of him. i genuinely love him. i so so want to be with him. which doesn't make any sense as he is a jekyll and hyde wanker. your treading on eggshells and never knowing what mood he will be in when he gets home. but still.
he is my husband. my children father. he is still attractive to me and i just don't this to happen,

it has to happen. it needs to happen. we can't keep going the way we were. we have destroyed each other and all that is left to destroy is the kids.
I'm just so very very sad and angry and hurt and devastated.
and i can't help but endlessly think 'what if we try this, what if we try that, what if what if what if' but nothing will ever change. we aren't right for each other.

can't even see the screen anymore cos fucking waterfall is happening on my face, genuinely heart broken.

don't know what i expect to come from this. but I'm working my ridiculous stupid arse off all day long to just not let it happen in from of dd. i can not let her see me cry. she is 3.8 and this isn't her fault.

fuck.
im a mess.

i am geting counselling. i am on a waiting list but seeing my gp each week as she doesn't want me to wait without some support and my mum is close and she knows.

i haven't told anyone else though cos i can't keep talking about it to people IRL. does the make sense? when you tell people they are nice. they ask how can they help and how are you doing and they come to see you to support you but i can't cope with that.
if people keep asking me how i am I'm going to crumble.

The only solution is to try really hard to speed up the separation. Living a lie will do your mental health no good at all

Hi there ... I read your post OP and remembered that when I was going through the same thing, at the same time of the year, I posted too with the same title as I felt just like you do now. Whilst I don't want to hijack your thread I just want to say that it will get better. It may not seem that way now. This is a crappy time of year to go through this and I felt so desperate as you do now. There is a whole lot of sense in trying to speed up the separation if you can as the living together in a lie to spare the DC does not help with your mental health at all. I had counselling too and it helped me immensely. Once the weather improved I got outside more. I basically just walked and walked and listened to music, as time wore on this turned into running which helped such a lot. It might not work for everyone or be easy for everyone but for me exercise was a godsend. I had a few songs that when I was dwelling and feeling sad distracted me. They were uplifting songs, nothing sad and maudlin. It was simple things that I came to rely on like this and taking each day at a time. I also started visualising a new happy life rather than dwelling on how unhappy I felt right at that moment. You are grieving and you have to go through this but you have to look forward too. You've made a decision and one day you will feel better. I am so happy now and never imagined I would ever feel this level of happiness. Be brave and believe you are strong. Even when I didn't feel it, I told myself to believe it and trust the decision I'd made. For me it was the fear of the unknown. I am so glad I stayed strong though otherwise I wouldn't have the life I have now.

Thanks you for your replies.

Don't know if the reality is sinking in or if it's cos right now it would b so easy to just 'get over it' and let life go back to normal.
But I can't. I mustn't.

Need to hold on. It's such hard work not to lose it all day in front of Dd. I'm so shattered by the time bedtime comes but yet I can't sleep

It's totally understandable to think 'shall I just get over it'. I did that myself several times. In the end I stayed 12 years too long because I kept doing that and eventually it made me ill. Keep going. Be strong.

Thank you.

I've already stayed 2 years too long and it is having a quite noticeable effect on me.
But I don't feel quite ready for it to end, and that makes me feel stupid. I feel like I'm being manipulated.

When I told him 2 weeks or so ago that it was done and he had to move out etc he almost hasn't fought against it.
He is just 'doing what you want Mooning'
And is quietly asking questions, have I thought about this or that.
I feel like he doesn't believe me really.
Yet he sent some txt messages yesterday that are clear its over.

I'm just confused.
I'm waiting for him to leave so I can relax and breathe again. But part of me wishes I could just have some space.
Maybe it will be different after a while?
Is this jut fear of the Unknown?

I'm afraid to be single forever
I'm afraid to love him forever and not be able to have him but have to see him

It is early days, and all you can do is take it one day at a time.

Don't worry if you burst into tears in front of DC - it's OK for them to know Mummys can be sad sometimes. If you say you are sad (but not why), then you'll probably find it easier to stop, and then can reassure DC you feel better now.

(When mine were little I had depression (actually marriage was crap, but I didn't realise) and had to adopt this strategy a few times. They are lovely adults now, and I'm divorced btw)

I think you are grieving for who you think he could be. The person he is when he's nice. Except he isn't that nice.

Agree with Marchate you need to get him out of the house. He's undermining you and manipulating you and messing with your head - which is sounding like something he's done throughout your relationship.

But as SilveryPussycat says, it's early days. be kind to yourself. Be less kind and accommodating to him .

What is the timescale for the first step? Is he moving out? If so when? Is he resisting moving out? When do you plan to tell your children? Sooner rather than later might be best for everyone - makes it real and relieves you of the pressure of the secret.

Forgot to reply to this the other night and have been sort of floating through life the last couple days.

Nothing has progressed. It feels like he is waiting for me to get over it. And it's more or less taking all my energy to not give in.
Cos I desperately want to. Which is the hard part.
It would be so wrong if I do. I would be a shitty excuse of a mother if I did. And that is all that keeps me going.

There isn't really a time frame. He is looking for somewhere to live and I can't really put a time frame on that, takes as long as it takes doesn't it?

Dd is 3.8 and I don't think she will understand entirely. Tbh I want to tell her when it's done as that way I can deal with it by myself instead of with him there taking over and trying to placate her. She is a different child when he is out/working. She has a different relationship with me and she trusts me and believes me. She is never entirely sure if she is coming or going with him or when he is telling the truth or not.