Still having to share house with Ex-H... Now he's inviting his GF round...

[twelveyeargap]

It's been YEARS since I've posted on MN, but I really have no idea how to handle this, so hopefully my extended absence will be forgiven.

Ex and I are divorced, but do not have finances sorted out (he pushed the decree absolute through despite not having arrangements made) and therefore we are still living in the same house. This situation is as awesome as it sounds.

He has been with his girlfriend for a year (since before we split up, but I'm rising above it). As he intends to live with/ marry and have more kids with this woman, I said it was important for our children to build a relationship with her before that happened. They've had days out, stayed at girlfriend's flat, which I'd me more ok with if I'd met her, but anyway...

Girlfriend has been told by my ex-h that I am moving out (happy to if he buys me out and provides for the kids, but this is a bone of contention). She has even moved her business to 300m from my house, basically waiting for me to leave.

We are now 10 months into this ridiculous divorce saga. Ex-h getting more and more annoyed that I don't want to sign up to his deranged financial schemes and don't want to remain on the mortgage the house he wants to live in with someone else. (He can't afford to remortgage it as sole mortgage holder, needs a reality check).

So now he's decided his next brilliant move is to invite the girlfriend round for dinner when I'm not here. Got a text last night saying "What time will you be back? GF coming for dinner with the kids".

Obviously I said, "I don't agree to this. It's not appropriate for her to be in my home." (I know she's been there when kids and I were away, but not openly). He's saying he has a right to have whichever visitors he choses in his home. Am I living in some sort of altered reality? What do I do here? She was gone when I got home, but wouldn't be at all surprised if she starts spending the night. What kind of message is this sending the kids?

Yes, that's what I'm worried about elegantlygrey1.

Had a surveyor value house in Nov, bit on the low side in my opinion, but I'm picking my battles. A house a few doors down just sold for quite a bit more. Also had a structural assessment so he could lower the value by the cost of repairs, on the assumption he was staying and I was going. Currently waiting to hear if insurance will over the subsidence that was uncovered. (Joy.)

Any suggestion of selling invokes the response, "Over my dead body. I can't believe you would want to sell the children's home from under them."

VioletVaccine, I also think my daughter needs to see me stand up to the bullying. She's really smart. I don't believe she hasn't noticed it.

The decree absolute, if indeed it exists, sounds like it many have been obtained fraudulently. If you had reconciled for longer than ( a specific amount of time, think its 6 months but not sure) .Date of decree nisi also relevant.
And how could a decree nisi have been issued without the arrangements for the children being stated AND the finances being disclosed? Sounds very fishy. I would look into this, and contact the court directly - they are usually very helpful.
It really sounds like he is doing his best to cheat and manipulate you.

Posted too soon.
You need more legal advice, but first check whether the decree absolute was actually issued, and then you can sort out the rest.

What sort of timescale are we talking about in terms of the date you instituted divorce proceedings, the date the Nisi was granted, and the date when he told you that he had obtained the Absolute?

Tell you what you sound so switched on and savvy it's bound to turn out in the end good for you, keep strong, you're doing great!

OK, the long term plan needs to be sorting this out via solicitors and not listening to or believing a word this man says. He thinks he can just take what he wants and that you will have to put up with it - and he is completely wrong about this.

In the short term, invite your friends and family round whenever you like without any reference to XH. The house is still your home and he has no say over whoever you invite to visit you. It wouldn't be such a bad thing to start dating, blatantly, either. (You do not have to have sex with other men unless you want to, nor do you have to invite them round. You don't actually have to have any RL contact with new men, but you do need to demonstrate that you are moving on, by leaving your laptop open to OKCupid or some such...)

Proceedings started Jan 2012, decree nisi issued July 2012, reconciled Jan 2013, resumed living together April 2013, decree absolute granted to him (the petitioner) December 2014.

There's no requirement to sort children and finances before getting the decree absolute, but it is of course the norm. My solicitor said it was 'bad form' for him to request it, but wasn't overly concerned about it having been issued on old proceedings.

Our mediator (a solicitor) said it wasn't in the court's power to issue a decree absolute if we had been reconciled for longer than 6 months. Maybe the court didn't get that piece of information. I will write and ask, just to check everything is as it should be.

Sorry, decree absolute December 2015. I have no idea what year it is

You poor thing, this is horrendous!
I would definitely like to see the Absolute overturned. For the fun of imagining him having to tell the OW he's still married 😈

Ha! I found a quote for a diamond ring on my dining table last week. I'd quite like to see him get married and then find out he's a bigamist.

You need good legal advice, quickly.
Be wary of him trying to set up as primary carer.

"Be wary of him trying to set up as primary carer."

Yes I agree about this. He may have received advice on this and the picking them up after school may be part of this.

Bad enough if just you but with children involved it is selfish, insane, unjustifiable and just bonkers. What an arse.

He can't believe you want to sell the children's house from under them BUT HE SCREWED THEM OVER BY CHEATING ON THEIR MUM AND THAT ISNT WORSE??

Hi OP,

Did you have a consent order that you both signed? I can't understand how a decree absolute was granted without a consent order. If you didn't sign one, how could he have got a divorce finalised. Something fishy here.

www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/apply-for-consent-order

I feel for you, he is manipulating and bullying you to get what he wants. There is no possibility of him honouring any agreement between you. He is trying to replace you in your home with his GF

Time to get tough. Get lawyered up, even if it costs you. Make sure you split childcare 50:50 so he cant represent himself as primary carer. Get the house re valued by 2 or 3 estate agents and then make sure you are in and sitting at the dining room table (preferably with a glass of wine and a friend present), when his GF comes round!

Then tell her to leave, You need to make it impossible for him to play happy families in your home. Good luck

Hello, no consent order - that's the agreement we're trying to reach. You don't have to have one to finalise a divorce. It's just so unusual not to have one that everyone thinks they're mandatory!

You make provision in the application for divorce to be able to apply for a financial order (and child arrangements order) at any time later.

On the cheating... It is what it is. The marriage has been "over" before. We've both been in other relationships in between. I left him, came back, it was still crap, then he ended it again. I think the selfish thing is to start a new relationship and leave me hanging waiting for a resolution. He keeps claiming I haven't "moved on" the narcissistic prick. I've even been dating! (Though explaining that I still share an abode with my ex is rather a hindrance).

Thank you for that. I offered mediation in conjunction with proceedings if he chose to go ahead with those, so I feel pleased that I was on the right track. I guess I can send the application to court myself and everything?

I googled "divorcing a narcissist" once. Terrifying. EVERYONE on every support forum said "go straight to court". I should have listened!
That said, without all the therapy I've had, I don't think I'd have been ready to stand up to him, or even realise he was manipulating me. So in some ways, it's all been a process.

So he wants to keep the house and to do that he has to keep the kids, or convince you to let him keep it. I don't think he has a decree absolute...he wants you to think he has one so he can get the house and then get you to sign off after you have agreed to the financial arrangement. He is trying to con you. You need to apply to find out if he has got a decree absolut. If he has you must contest it....way too much time has passed between decrees. And get another solicitor and explain you have not seen the decree absolut and that anyway too much time passed. And explain how he is trying to con you out of the house.

Wow op what a cunt.

He really is trying a number on you isn't he. It sounds like he is bullying you out of your home, going for residency so will be entitled to CS.

Don't let him win op

To everyone saying, "You can't get a decree absolute without the finances being sorted," I'm afraid you can. My XH did precisely this, having assured me that he wouldn't apply for the absolute until the finances were arranged. The decree just slid through the door one afternoon with the post . I did, at that point, ring up XMIL and demand whether she knew what herfuckingson had done.

Twelveyear, I really feel for you as my XH stonewalled and prevaricated all the way to FDR a year later. Having self-repped until then (because he is a Master of the Universe) he turned up with a barrister who was so posh he said "hice". Luckily, XH couldn't stay in the marital home as he had moved 3hrs away for a new job. He did, however expect to come back most weekends and have me cook and wash for him soon put him straight. All I can say is, prepare for a long fight and don't back down. PM me if you would like to.

Really FLS? That's an eye opener about the witness statement to obtain the decree. I will get onto the court on Monday and ask for copies of everything. Thank you!

We've had one mediation session already back in Nov so I think we're covered for the MIAM and I have the financial statement forms already.