Has anyone cut out family for selfish reasons? When they don't deserve it

[waitingforsuperman]

I've been trying to deal with relationship issues the last couple of months. (I don't need relationship advice. I attempted counselling unsuccessfully which I've had threads about and got advice).

I'm feeling incredibly bad about myself. I have no idea where my own issues re depression, self esteem, unhappy childhood etc end and relationship problems start. I feel like I hate who I am. Weirdly I have lived like a happy person for many years but now it all feels fake.

Today I feel like it would help if I could cut out my past, if I didn't have reminders of how I felt growing up. If I didn't speak to my family. I know it would be a terrible thing to do to people who have no idea there is even a problem. I feel like it would help me to create some distance but I feel guilty about it. Can I justify low contact. Is this just depression making me selfish?

Long term i probably need to find another counsellor but I don't feel strong enough just yet.

If you have a kind and supportive family, now is the time to draw them close. Not shut them out.

I hope you can find suitable treatment for your depression.

Guy on Desert Island Discs became disabled and cut off his previous life before the disability. Kirsty Young asked him if the people who had been cut off were hurt - he said he didn't speak to them. He'd clearly made his decision. Repeated tomorrow morning at 9am if you're interested to listen.

I can't help thinking this won't ultimately solve the issues you are facing. It is understandable to want a 'fresh start' though - can you effect that some other way eg new job, a move etc. You can anyway reduce contact.

They wouldn't be a source of support but are generally kind.

I might catch that DID thanks springy. Yes it might not help, I'd still be me.

I think you can reduce contact if you feel it will help you - possibly with the idea that you may increase it again once you're on the road to recovery or possibly not at all. If you had an unhappy childhood and now have depression and low self esteem (if I've read your OP right) then maybe your family are not the people you need around you to feel better and are impacting you negatively. There is no rule that you have to see your family a lot, happy or not. Were they dysfunctional while you were growing up? Did they model healthy relationships?

I have just this morning decided to go low contact with my mum. I am also having relationship problems and I resent never having had a healthy example to learn from. I have spoken to my mum and she is never going to change and is in total denial so I have the choice to see her less and take my dc there less too. While I'm struggling I want to surround myself with healthy people who model self respect and respect for others.

It is completely your choice and there is no need to feel guilty.

These people are good:

standalone.org.uk/

Are you sure that your reasons are selfish?

If as you say you suffer from depression and low self-esteem, you are likely to find any self-supporting action that privileges yourself over others to be "selfish", when in fact it may be healthy.

Maybe not selfish entirely as my children need me to get better. They matter more than anyone.

Maybe it could be temporary like you say Mamaka. I have read some of your posts, hope things get better.

Interesting website. I have a parent not in contact (not through my choice), hadn't ever stopped to think about it.

How much contact do you actually have at the moment?

Several phone calls a week. Several visits a year. Not much I guess.

But it's always an effort to keep peace. There's a lot of guilt that I don't do more. And right now I feel like my life growing up is affecting my adult family so I'm harbouring resentment. Makes it harder.

I'm being dramatic. I just need to manage it better.

If you think they are the source of your depression, then maybe I think not seeing them is the answer. I don't know but as far as I know when you don't have anyone, your family will always be there for you when you have problems.

OP

If your family is making you feel like crap, then why on earth would it be selfish to take a step back from them? You matter. A lot.

You could well find those issues of depression, poor self esteem etc, have very clear roots in how you were brought up. Please put yourself first for once.

Sounds tough. You're doing great.