I want to learn a way of not letting my mother get to me.

[BloodyPlantagenets]

Long history of her being disapproving and snide about everything from my housekeeping skills to my parenting.

We went out for dinner last night with my sister, it was my sister's birthday. DSis had an affair and left her husband last year and is now dating and about to start a new job. After a couple of glasses of wine our mother went for her quite viciously about how she should never have left her ex, she's selfish and will never be happy and she doesn't put her children first, she should be thinking of them not her career or love life. It was horrible and really awkward. My sister defended herself and it all got a bit heated.

When we'd finished the meal we'd arranged for our Dad to pick us up, so said we'd call him and then wait in the cocktail bar. Mum said she'd had enough and walked home alone. Dad then sent us a text saying he was tired and we'd have to get a taxi home.

Fast forward to this morning and I went to my parents as I do every morning so we can all walk to preschool, Mum likes to come with us for the walk. When I got there she was in the shower and my Dad came down and started laying into me because Mum had come in in a terrible state because I was drunk and DSis is a married mother and shouldn't be dating. I bit back and said we'd all had exactly the same amount to drink (two bottles of wine between the three of us). Mum has painted me as some drunkard and DSis as a floozy. Mum completely blanked me and I walked Ds to preschool on my own.

I've been crying on and off about it all day. She completely ruined what should have been a nice meal out by being judgy and disapproving of the both of us for different reasons. All the while going on about how our younger sister is so wonderful and works so hard and is such a good mother. It really fucking hurts. I've never been good enough for her and she makes stuff up about me to justify being awful about me.

I have MH issues and I'm not in the best place at the moment. She seems to have decided that me and DSis are the bad ones and nothing we ever do will be good enough. She did similar at my birthday meal a few months ago but not to the same extent, I don't know why we even invited her.

I need to learn some way of getting her out of my head. Her lack of approval is making me ill, she comments negatively on everything, my house, my husband, my parenting, my children, my drinking (which I don't think is excessive and certainly wasn't last night).

Please help me. I feel stuck.

OP sorry I wasn't clear in my previous post about PDs. Lack of empathy is associated with Narcisscism. She seems very narcisscistic because she is so concerned with image. You are all supposed to have lives and houses that look a certain way as she believes it reflects upon her. She is clearly very self-centred.

My MIL has Borderline traits and as you mention the name of this condition is not helpful and vague and is being renamed. My MIL is definitely empathetic. Have you asked whoever diagonised you if your mother's behavior could be a cause? Borderline is a lack of self-image and if your m. was so self-absorbed she may have prevented you from understanding yourself and perhaps you were very fearful of having a seperate identity.

Oh I'm sure my upbringing and beyond has had a huge effect, therapy is helping to unpick it all. I look for my mothers approval for everything and never get it. That's the very definition of insane really.

Stop spending so much time with her. Don't invite her out with you for meals. Don't call at her house every day to walk to preschool. Put some distance between you & stop seeking her approval, you are an adult not a child & you don't need it.

The minute you stop seeking her approval you will feel so much more free.
I recently got to the point with my mother where I honestly didn't care anymore what she thought, I never thought I would get to that point.
Look up Narcissistic mothers, mine was text book.
When she had no control over me anymore she then tried to control what others thought of me and was phoning anyone who would listen to slag me off.
And about 80% of the people knew there was more to it than she was letting on.
Distance yourself for a while, take away her control. If you do continue a relationship with her then be it on your terms.
I went NC with mine and I have never felt better, like people have said just because they are family doesn't mean you have to stay around for people who make you feel this bad, you wouldn't put up with it from anyone else.

Agree with PPs who mention the approval thing. If it's good enough in your eyes it's good enough. It doesn't matter what your mum thinks or says she thinks. Is she really so perfect and high achieving herself that you don't reach her standards?

Well done for seeking therapy for yourself, you recognised your challenges and rose to them 👏 I do not know how old you are but your mother is probably the generation that thinks therapy is for losers, which is sad because as we all know our parent's were often in desperate need of help from their own childhoods. What was her role model emotionally with her family? I do not ask because it will change anything, but more importantly because if it's negative, be assured she will not change so you may have to. I had a narcissistic personality disorder mother (passed away) and married one, if I'd had the help up front I could have avoided that. Your younger sister may be (in narcissistic terms) the Golden Child and do not presume she enjoys that, it all comes at a price. You might be the scapegoat? As other OP said look it up, see if it fits? Know this though, with realisation comes the opportunity for change, you are on your way, be strong 💓

She sounds very much like my mum! I just try to ignore or change the subject as soon as she gets nasty however when I retaliate I'm the nasty one and she's the poor victim. Idiot. They seem to have read and swallowed the emotional abuse book at times

Look at the out of the fog web site and see what you think.