Drug taking

[Drugsarebad]

Hello,

I think I know the answer to this.

My BF occasionally takes cocaine when I'm not around. He knows I don't like it, so it has caused him to tell lies about it.

I'm answering my own question here . . But if he doesn't change, when he knows I hate it . . .it's time to go isn't it?

He won't change you know.
This won't get better.
The weed will start take over his life.
You'll have no life.
Get out now and find someone who is NOT an addict.

You did not CAUSE it.
You cannot CONTROL it
You cannot CURE it

Maybe look into codependency and see it you with him due to this?

Thanks hellsbells . . . .I've just had a little read and I think I can safely say that im in a codependent relationship. I get anxious a lot, and we don't do much as individuals. he doesn't see his friends as much as he used to and neither do I. If we do socialise away from each other then I don't really feel like I enjoy myself, as im constantly worried about what he is doing.

I never used to be like this. feeling a bit sad that I have allowed this to happen.

I'm not sure you have 'allowed' this happen.
It just creeps up on you.
You have now recognised it though and that is probably the reason you posted this.
That's a good thing.
You can now do something about it.

The relationship really does tick nearly all the boxes of co-dependency.

He is out tonight, going bowling with friends, and I instantly thought it was weird and started questioning it in my head. one of the guys he is going with is a much more regular user, so my anxiety is through the roof.

yes, I need to do something about it.

My DH has given up Coke and weed after three years of intermittent (but sometimes heavier) use-but he had to come to the decision himself. My nagging and ultimatums caused him to stop for short periods but he always went back. This time..fingers crossed..it looks more permanent. Not sure how long you've been with him but may be worth one last chat before you walk away. And I understand how the lies can drive you mad. Mine was open about it until I made him clear how much I had grown to hate it and then it was all lies.

Thanks choc . . .yes that sounds exactly like my situation re: the lies.

I think I caused such a scene when he decided to do it in the past, that he then found it easier to lie. but (when it comes to him), I have a very strong gut instinct. I know instantly when something is up. I always know that if I was to ask him then he would lie, so I would then snoop . .which I HATE doing. my anxiety just goes crazy, as I know I'm going to find something, which then means confrontation.

How are you doing OP?

Not great to be honest. I don't seem to be able to get the strength to do anything about it. I'm coasting along and turning a blind eye to the weed smoking.

I'm still checking his phone too. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore.

Would it help to get some outside support? I used Al-Anon which is for family and friends of alcoholics. The drug equivalent is Nar-Anon - www.nar-anon.co.uk.

Sorry you are going through this.

The coke on a night out once a month away from me wouldn't bother me nearly as much someone smoking around me ever day.

slowdecrease - I know what you mean. I think the weed smoking has more of an effect on his personality. if he hasn't had a smoke by a certain point of the evening then he gets very irritable and has mood swings.

he can go without coke for weeks and weeks, but then will always go back to it at some point. he has said that he will never say that he wont ever do it again, as he can't promise that. It's the lies more than anything.

thanks coughed . . I think ever since I have realised that this seems to be a co dependant relationship, rather than feel positive and willing to change it - I have felt down and really sad.

xxxx

People who take drugs are so tedious, not to mention morally bankrupt when you consider the organised crime it supports. Where do you see your future? Would you have a child with this man?

That's why I'm so annoyed with myself for being so weak. I want children, but deep down I know that I don't want them with him.

So what am I doing?!

You're just avoiding the unpleasantness of ending a long term relationship - entirely normal and understandable.

There's no immediate rush. What do you need to disentangle you life from his? Finances? Living arrangements? Future planned holidays (I remember the thread from the woman who could never go abroad because her partner wouldn't go without weed)?

Start to detach and spend time imagining the good things about being apart from him.

There isn't much to disentangle, which is good. no financial ties, just living arrangements. nothing booked apart from a couple of gigs, weddings etc.

we have been abroad a few times. the 1st time he bought some when we were there. the 2nd time he took some with him, and the 3rd time he made friends with a waiter who gave him some.

As Choughed says,start to detatch.It is good advice.You have no future with this man.Things can only go one way.Downhill.And I speak from being in your situation.Thinking my love for him would change things.It never did.
Please put yourself first here.Give yourself a chance of a decent life with someone who respects your feelings.