I have lived abroad for the past 15 years and only see my elderly parents once a year, as they live a long way away (other side of the world) and are no longer well enough to visit us. My parents and I have a very close relationship and speak on the telephone at least 2-3 times a week.
This year, I will be visiting them with my dh and dc for a couple of weeks at Easter. My brother, who I have had a very strained relationship with throughout my life, and who rarely visits my dps, despite living in the same country, invariably decides to visit when he knows that we will be there. He dresses this up as wanting the cousins (ie his dc and my dc) to spend time together, but it always feels as though he is trying to hijack my time with my dp's, who I see so rarely.
My brother emailed me on the weekend to announce that he was planning to visit our dp's at Easter too, describing this development as 'good news'. I felt this immediate sense of dread and anxiety. Without going into detail, I simply don't want to see or spend time with my brother. I have another sibling with whom I have a good relationship, but I find this brother to be toxic. Whenever we see each other, I end up feeling stressed and anxious and uneasy.
I replied to his email, attempting to be as diplomatic as possible, and suggested that he visit our dps at a different time, as too many visitors could prove stressful for our dm in particular, who is in her 80's and was recently in hospital for a serious operation.
He did not reply to my email, but rang up my parents to complain about how difficult and unpleasant I was being. My parents also find my brother difficult, but obviously they want a quiet life and of course are keen to see their dgc whenever possible. They suggested to my brother that it would be better for him to visit at a different time, so that they can spend more quality time with the dgc and him, but admitted to me that short of telling him not to visit (which they were obviously not prepared to do) there was little else they could do.
I have tried to avoid upsetting my parents, but now I find that a visit that I had been very much looking forward to has become a source of dread and anxiety. DH, knowing the background to my relationship with this brother, is very supportive, but I find that when I talk to friends about it, they generally suggest just trying to get along with the brother for the duration of the visit.
This is my issue. I am an adult now - my brother has bullied me since I was a child and I feel that he is continuing to bully me now - by forcing me to spend time in his company when I do not want to. So: AIBU? Can I not decide, as an adult, to cut ties with my sibling? And how do I go about it if he refuses to respect my wishes?