Going round the bend at prospect of sharing a bed(room)

[brambly]

This is proving a hard one to solve. Some cyberspace exploration has confirmed my suspicion that I'm not alone and that many men and women the world over face similar issues, but have an inkling I might be at more of an impasse than many. This may end up being a bit of a ramble and am not expecting any directive advice that will magically solve the issue if deployed, but I'd be very grateful for any input or prior experiences!

Partner and I do not live together as yet, but plans are in motion to find a place within the next few months. No children - had to have a termination that went disastrously wrong in January and may be contributing in some indirect sense to some of my more negative feelings, but probably only slightly.

Long and short of it is: I hate sharing a bedroom. More so, I hate sharing a bed. Not just with the incumbent bloke, with anyone - friends, lovers, siblings, parents. Doesn't matter how much I love them, I don't want to sleep beside them.

Was house sharing until we were unceremoniously turfed out in January when the place was sold (on top of which, termination reffed above and death in the family, wasn't a chart-topping Christmas!), have been back home with family since, some way out of town (work two jobs and attend university so has been less than ideal in some ways). Only having sex twice a week or so is also probably contributing to my current levels of grouchiness. And am holed up in my elderly childhood single in a room the size of the Dursleys' understairs cupboard. But I have my own space again. It has been BLISS.

Until coming back to the homestead, did nominally have my own (much larger) room, but partner stayed over 60% of the time and was going out of my tree, doing a sterling, all-day impression of Victor Meldrew ever bloody day that followed a night that he'd stayed. I stay over in his double once or twice a week now, and presumably because the bed is smaller than my old King, it's worse.

Various tactics have been unsuccessfully deployed. It doesn't help that despite him being three times my size, he's constantly frozen and I'm always roasting. And the hip does make things extra uncomfortable. But this has been an issue long before I screwed up the hip (which hopefully will no longer be an issue soon as have major surgery planned imminently).

I just need my own cave. I don't want someone else's outfits and face potions and general regalia in my cupboards. I am indiscriminate in my dislike of cuddling after sex, before/during sleep etc. Have forked out the last vital dregs of more than one pay packet on enforced taxi fares for men who wanted to stay overnight post-shag in the past

The obvious answer of course is separate rooms. I love this idea. Trouble being firstly that his budget will definitely not stretch anywhere near that and mine would only at a push (cost of living is near London levels of extortionate here) and secondly that he was devastated, literally to the point of near tears, at the mere mention of the idea. As he puts it, "cuddle time" is even more important to him than sex, whereas for me, not only is sex more important, but cuddle time is of very little significance at all. The less the better, up to a point! I worry that he is struggling to come to terms with this reality - am pretty extroverted and fine with tactility in a less intimate scenario and mercifully none of this has presented an issue with our sex life, but I don't think he quite realised and though I do care for him very much, I'm foreseeing trouble. He has paid lip service to the fact that he will ultimately go along with what I want funds permitting, but I don't want to be captain of a ship that sails him into permanent misery.

Anybody else been in a similar boat? Clinging to the vain possibility that there may be some off the wall compromise we've failed to consider!

Thanks again, everybody!

lorelei9, I think I'll mention this. Thank you! There is no sense that I can detect that boyfriend is exercising any moral judgment on my position, IYSWIM, but I am detecting various signs that he considers it to be a bit of an oddity, and given his concerns about how he or we may be judged were anyone to "discover", this may put his mind at ease.

TattyCat, thank you again. Very good points that are certainly worth my mentioning to him :)

I think that until we compile a solid list of options, the least objectionable line I can take is to present my position with as little ambiguity as possible, and simply point out the ways as you suggest that non-sexual intimacy can be maintained outside the/a bedroom. Without trying to actively persuade. And then at least if we can reach some compromise, it will be without him feeling that I've launched some triumphant (or failed) military campaign!

I think there are two things going on here.

You should feel absolutely no shame or embarrassment about wanting a separate room (I don't think you do). I've two young children, I haven't slept in the same room as my DH for nearly a year. It's been bliss for us both (apart from the bit that started a few weeks ago where I now share with a newborn, but that's a different story). There are so many good reasons for wanting your own space, and none of them reflect at all on your sex life (which is what people automatically think of).

The other issue however is your attitude to moving in with your DP. It does sound like you're doing it for financial and practical reasons, which is really not fair on your DP if he thinks you're doing this to be with him more - in which case he would rightly be offended if you then said that actually you don't want to "live live" with him, just "live" with him. Like flat mates who have sex.

There's nothing wrong with any of what you want. What would be objectionable is foisting it on someone who wants something else/more in a way that's at all duplicitous. I think you need to be very honest about your inability to be comfortable or get enough sleep without having your own space, and let him decide if he can live with someone like that. This kind of thing can be a deal breaker, unless you make it very clear (if it's true) that this need for space is not a need for space from him but from everyone/for yourself (ie it's not personal).

Personally I think you'd have to work really hard to create the same level of intimacy that space-sharing automatically brings. It really could fall into 'friends with benefits' territory very easily, without either a firm understanding on both sides that the relationship will last forever, or a shared perspective on personal space.

I very vaguely remember being told years ago that once upon a time, one bed shared by a couple was usually only "done" if they were poor enough to need to settle for it, and in the grand scheme of things has only been an arrangement of choice in pretty recent times.

Boy could I deck whichever genius turned the tide against that fashion!

That's true, but now what's happening is people are opting for separate bathrooms !! It's only a matter of time before the bedroom idea kicks in again

So in the same way that a pantry is again fashionable. In fact, there's an idea - if we all start supporting separate bedrooms, it will become the latest 'fad'. Problem solved ...

SushiAndTheBanshees: I love your username, and thank you. Congratulations on the new family member!

You're quite right. I'm inevitably wishing my hatred of space invasion away now that it's a problem, but never had done before and still don't really consider it a problem in itself. Very grateful that so far, if there's one thing we are synced up on so far it is sex, although I accept this may alter or dwindle a bit as time goes on. He is quite a bit older than me and not less preoccupied with sex than I am currently, but inevitably less preoccupied than he was, which does lead me to wonder how much residual bromide he may have in his system from past flames!

I would say that I have been absolutely transparent as to my motivations to move in right from the off, as he has about his own. Instinctively, although i have stated my case very firmly, I would be inclined to go a step further and have a discussion about whether or not this might be a problem for him longer term. My concern based on comparable discussions in the past is that this would be misread, or interpreted as a signifier that I can take him or leave him altogether.

He seems unconcerned about the differences in themselves and what it might signify. He doesn't exhibit discomfort, for example, when I state a general lack of inclination to get married. My slight concern is that what's driving this isn't an incredibly philosophical take on the scope of compromise, but the idea that I'll come around eventually.

Thank you again. Lots of food for thought.

TattyCat: :D I'm behind you on this one already... signed!

Funnily enough, wouldn't have the slightest objection to sharing even a pokey little bathroom. Not at all funny about boundaries with nudity etc, half the county has probably seen me in anything between total nudity (in error, I'm sure) and tarty summer garb (I overheat!)

And as for the number of acquaintances that have seen me piddle on the side of the motorway...

But stay too long in my chamber or overegg the sweet nothings and I'm gone in a dust cloud.

Nowt as queer as folk, eh.

You're not a "live together" person. Simple as that.

I dont think that you and he are compatible in that way, so you would do better to find someone who wants be in an exclusive relationship without wanting to ever live together.

On the understanding that whichever of you is "staying over" is gone within an hour of the last orgasm (which sounds pefect to me!) :o

I do think that's a possibility.

Inevitably it's a worry, in the immediate sense because I do care for this man very much for all he can drive me round the bend, and in the longer term, I would like to have children, particularly after having been pregnant. I assume it would be harder to pull off smoothly if both parents are together but live separately.

Maybe a bell for one hour after the last orgasm, you might be onto something there!

Bogeyface I dont think that you and he are compatible in that way, so you would do better to find someone who wants be in an exclusive relationship without wanting to ever live together.

Hold your horses! Not necessarily true and I'd be very disappointed if my partner made that decision on my behalf without discussing the ins and outs first. I think it can work out very well as long as communication is a priority and is beneficial. Op, as long as you just talk to DP and set out your needs in advance and are open to compromise, he can take it or leave it as he sees fit. Horses for courses (hate that expression) and each to their own (hate that one too!) but if you work out a scenario that works for you two then it's a good thing!

Going to bed now - I've had enough of my own company and whisky

I can't get my head around why you are planning to live together. The obvious thing to do is live separately.

I like my own space too. Hence I will never be in a serious relationship again, certainly not living together or married.

I know a couple who have had separate rooms since marriage. My parents adopted separate rooms as soon as i moved out (there was no spare room before that) and my mum's parents had separate rooms from when their youngest moved out. I dont think at all that it means you are incompatible or shouldnt live together. I think its perfectly normal to want your own space and comfort for one of the most basic needs. Sleep is far too important. It affects every aspect of your life if you arent getting enough quality sleep.

OP could you and he afford to rent a two bed place for 6 months and see how you get on? I certainly would never buy a place with someone i hadnt lived with.

I feel similarly to you. I love living on my own, having my own bedroom, I struggle sharing a bed and don't sleep. I do know that I can get used to sharing my space and my own bed if I want to having lived with one man and been married once but I have no wish to again.

I do like cuddles though, just not for a long time and not sleeping together.

My advice would be to think hard about what you want/will not compromise on and then be straight up about it and let your BF decide if he can/can't cope with it.

The main thing is finding a relationship that is happily compatible. Mine currently is, though may not be in future as my BF of 3 years is a massive cuddler. Neither of us want to live together, though he may do in future and it is unlikely I will. I am happy to be big spoon a couple of times a week when we share a bed and miss out on sleep. I do not like being little spoon at all.

You need to decide what you can tolerate/want and see if it is acceptable to him. TBH you sound at opposite extreme ends and may not be compatible.

What society does as normal is completely irrelevant to you two as a couple. What you seem to have is someone who loves and wants to share space and cuddle and someone who hates the idea and experience of that - not really any way to compromise...

I partly got BF a puppy because it will make living together difficult for the dog's lifespan. He loves having the dog for company and cuddles but he'd be sad if he knew that was partly the reason I bought him!

Offred, sorry, how does buying a puppy avoid living together? Stroke of genius if it works, don't live together and have access to a puppy you don't have to look after

Because we are plebs and will never be able to afford to buy, I have 4 children and renting with a dog is difficult! Renting with a dog, 4 kids and HB top ups is nigh on impossible...

If you be big spoon you can cuddle them on their side of the bed till they go to sleep and then roll away to yours... That's what I do but I still don't sleep well and need to catch up on nights I'm alone.

I'm not sure if anyone else has suggested this, and you might not want to, but it might be worth trying to think about why you have such strong reaction against this kind of intimacy. Not that it's "wrong" and that you "shouldn't" feel this way, just that understanding why you feel like this (in therapy or something similar) might be a more profound solution than avoiding the situation.

Thanks for all the responses, everyone. Will read and respond properly as soon as I get the chance.

Just wanted to clarify to someone who mentioned trying renting that we'd be renting anyway. I'm 24 and unlikely to be in a position to buy a house/flat (in this city) for several decades!

goodenoughai - I think this is a really pertinent point, and one I have been exploring on and off for a while. In terms of originating factors I guess it would simplistic to suppose there was "just one" but to be honest take your pick. We were in many respects a very close family growing up - with some complicating factors and poor individual relationships - but very loved, although maybe relevant that neither parent, in their hugely different ways, was very cuddly or touchy feely when I come to think of it (Gods, I am the person who didn't get enough cuddles growing up, it seems. How embarrassingly trite)

I have also in not so many years (barely out of gym knickers now as another member on here so beautifully put it elsewhere!) managed to accumulate a fairly colourful history with regard to lovers/boyfriends/admirers/complex friendships with men that went sour. I was also quite seriously stalked (should really have pushed for the law to get involved but was told they wouldn't do anything unless "something bad happened"... helpful, and of course in the end it did) for a couple of years until fairly recently by a man who ended up leaving his wife and young family, needlessly IYSWIM, over the whole thing. I don't think it helps that I have a lot of friends in a tangled collection of social and work groups but hardly any female friends, which I am feeling the lack of more as I get older and currently working on.

There we go, all coming out now! Not much of a one for "feelings" chit chats and even a guy I've been seeing psychotherapeutically for a short while has said that I can do a gold standard job of saying what seems like an awful lot but that he realises later on revealed virtually nothing and am apparently diverting energy into macho displays of emotionlessness and compartmentalisation, so perhaps I needed an anonymous vent. It has been quite a rough few years - to the extent that if I started threads about even a fifth of it I'd for sure get written off as some kind of loony fantasist who'd been watching too much Netflix!

I'm really grateful for all the responses, though. There are some very practical and ideas and kernels of ideas here. Thank you all so much.

Just to add - am not suggesting recent unplatonic history is really the crux of it here as I had a thing about sharing sleeping space even as a child of 5 or 6, but it may be contributory in some way I suppose. Don't know enough about "minds" to take a stab really.

You are not the problem and you need to stop saying it's your problem and your onus to solve. MANY people have separate beds / separate rooms and to imply that it's abnormal or something to apologize for is nonsense.

Your boyfriend is within his rights to need cuddling for emotional reasons and you are within your rights to need solitary quarters for good sleep hygiene. Neither is wrong. But you may be incompatible and I would not brush this off as a minor detail - sleep and rest are 30+ percent of our lives after all. If someone denied me my conditions for sleep needs, it would be a relationship dealbreaker.

A friend, now in her early 50s, has for 15 years suffered acute sleep deprivation due to her husband's thrashing, snoring and playing of loud music in their room all night long. They share a double bed at his insistence. It is DESTROYING her health, mentally and physically, and the resulting exhaustion is having a destructive effect on her career, her friendships, her hobbies and her emotional health. Yet every time she broaches the idea (suggested via THREE expensive overnight hospital sleep studies) of separate rooms, her insecure jackass of a husband goes berserk, literally slamming and throwing and screaming and cursing that she doesn't love him, etc. etc.

Obviously this is extreme and their marriage has other issues too but the point is that he feels his emotional gratification is more important than her rest and physical health. She keeps bowing to his desires and considers it "her" problem to solve. I would have kicked him to the curb 15 years ago. She would be a different person now, if she had. Don't minimize the problem and make it seems like an eccentric quirk of yours, OP, or something you need to apologize for.

I have to say if I had a bf who never wanted to share a room, or even a night with me and didnt want to cuddle me after sex....I would feel unwanted and rejected.

Even if you know it's a matter of necessity for your partner's good night's sleep and physical health? Seriously?

Been seeing my BF for 18 months. We love spending time together but love time apart. I stay at his 2/3 nights every week and have gradually moved into the spare room supposedly for his daughter's visits. She was expected to stay over regularly but has too great a social life to stay with him now as he lives out of town with no nearby friends etc! I love spending the evening in bed with him, takeaways, wine and sex. Then when I'm tired I go to my room. I sleep better, he knows it's my quirk and not about him. It works for us. It's not a symptom of intimacy issues, rejection, intolerance or anything other than I just feel happier and sleep better on my own.

Horses for courses. Hope you can work it out. People know I have my own room at his and some find it a curiosity but we're happy with it so it works.